I do not know how I can put my feelings and thoughts probably, but right now I am just so emotionally overwhelmed and distraught.
I have been dealing with so much hopelessness regarding my future, and loneliness related to my social life. I feel that I have no one to talk to, and I cannot trust anybody to help me to pull out of this misery of mine.
I am from Singapore, but now I am currently in Australia studying Music and Sound Design in a university. My dream is to become a successful musician and “visionary” (I do not know how to describe my future job), and I really want to not only make metal music, but also representing my country to other parts of the world. I want to combine my music with anime aesthetics, and also want to make movies / tv shows along with my music. I have so many goals I want to achieve. However, I have ADHD, and I find it extremely hard to concentrate and feel calm when I am trying to learn every single skill in my uni. I have very low self-esteem, I do not think that I am capable of making a compelling piece of work that will be recognized by the mass public, whether it is music or anime. I cannot draw, my writing is extremely surpar, and my music skills are mediocre. Every day, I have been slowly losing motivation and procrastinating a lot. I almost see no hope that I will become successful in the future, especially since Singapore does not have a strong musical scene that is recognized by other countries. Additionally, I am so afraid of rejection of other people, especially in Metal and hardcore, where I would be criticized or even deserted by the scene for “selling out” or trying to make a career out of it by attempting to share my music to a relatively larger audience or speaking the wrong ideas that might offend people. I get very anxious about it, and because of this, I have a difficult time trying to create a piece of work as I keep telling myself I am not good enough. Also, I am also afraid that I will not earn a proper living while making music and will be mistreated by the music industry, I do not think I need to elaborate anymore.
Secondly, I have been dealing with so much loneliness and social anxiety. I do not have much friends, and even the friends I have do not feel like the best support group. Being in Australia has been extremely tough, I barely am able to talk to other people, and I just got more isolated than before. I almost feel as if all of the other students do not want me to be around them. I might be a nuisance or a weirdo to them. It is so difficult to find people that I can rely on and feel supported or even be acknowledged, instead I feel everyone are selfish, as they only care about themselves and lack empathy for others
My dog, PJ, has passed away yesterday in the morning. It was so sudden. He had a tumor that was secretly growing, and my family and I did not know. According to my mum, PJ just collapsed and was in severe pain. By the time my family sent him to the vet, it was too late. He is gone. Forever. The worst thing about this is that I cannot see him. I am far away from home in another country. I am in overseas studying, trying to achieve my dreams. It hurts so much. I did not cry, but I never felt this much regret, guilt, grief and loneliness before. While I am in another country tryin to chase my dreams of becoming a successful musician, my dog is dead and I cannot even say goodbye to him in person.
To make matters worse, I posted an Instagram story to express my feelings about this, because I could not handle it. While some of my friends and followers were understanding and supportive for me, another person who I known in army, he was a true fucker, he replied back and said “Where were you? He needed you so badly”. I never felt so furious in my entire life. I instantly gave him the middle finger and told him I was overseas studying, and just blocked him. That did not help though, to prevent myself feeling more lonely and regretful about not being by my dog’s side. I called my friends yesterday hoping to find some solitude, but because they did not have a pet before, they did not know how to help me and what to say or do. I did not feel better after calling them, as again, I feel a lack of connection between me and them, even though I have known them for a long while.
All I can say right now is that while I am feeling very overwhelmed with emotions right now, and I feel extremely regretful for not being by my dog’s side on his deathbed, I will always remember how happy he was when he became part of my family. PJ was a stray dog who had to survive terrible living conditions in factories and was physically abused by people. But my mum’s friend rescued him and asked my mum whether we wanted to take PJ as a pet. We happily obliged, and from then, PJ became a family member.
There were a lot of ups-and-downs when he was with us. But it did not stop us from loving him very much. PJ was a strong boy. He survived death many times. I remembered the time when he was on the brink of death due to a failed kidney. At the time, the doctor told us that he may not survive at all. But PJ managed to push through it, and he survived. Even the doctor was surprised about this.
Although I feel that I failed as an owner, and I could have done more, I am just so happy to have PJ as a pet. No, he was more of a pet, he was a family member. We are so glad to have him. Goodbye PJ, I will miss you very dearly. You survived death many times, now it is time for you to rest.
But overall, because of my dog’s death, my depression has gotten worse, and I really feel I cannot do this anymore. I just want to talk to someone that I feel that they care. I just want to feel like I belong to something.