I feel so sickly lonely

[Wings]

It sounds like your abuser was really good at “emotional blackmail.” I’m reminded of B movie villains saying something like, “see what you made me do?” Another way of putting it is that he was holding you responsible for his emotions and actions. There’s no possible way to remain emotionally intact while in that kind of situation.

Regarding your fantasies, I believe everyone has them, and the variations and extremes of them is virtually infinite. The important thing is how you respond to them. As long as you’re not becoming a cannibal or something like that, I think you’ll be okay. There’s certainly no reason to feel guilt over impulses that aren’t acted upon. If anything, you deserve credit for keeping such feelings under control.

It’s also good that you’re acknowledging the impulses. When one is in self-denial, such feelings manifest in other forms, and none of them positive.

This may seem to be coming out of the blue, but do you like cats? I just think they’re really good at helping folks feel calm and comfortable, unless you have a feral knucklehead like mine, but even he’s getting better at it.

[Wings]

@wren_wyn

That’s why I can’t accept “you did nothing wrong” when it was me.

Yes, it is wise to take responsibility for your own actions, in fact, you have to. “Someone else made me do it,” isn’t a legal defense. With that said, I would ask the court to consider the toxic manipulation and abuse your subjected to, and how it affected your judgment. If evidence is present, the judge will find you guilty. A decent judge would likely put you on some kind of short-term probation and require you to get the help that you need. Because the judge ordered it, odds are the state would have to pay for it.

That’s not to say that I believe you did something against the law, but the above rationale, to some extent, is analogous to the decisions involved when we judge ourselves.

In some areas, the criminal justice system is in lockstep with the for profit prison industry. Hence, the court systems are oriented towards guilt, punishment, and maximum sentences. In an attempt to maximize recidivism, terms for probation are nearly impossible to meet.

In other places, the criminal justice system focuses on rehabilitation, and in many cases, offering education that offenders would never have had opportunities to receive outside of the system, due to poverty. These more progressive systems also offer mental health services and other forms of counseling.

One might feel it to be counterintuitive, but the more progressive and compassionate criminal justice systems are far more efficient, and in the long run, costs their communities less than half as much as the more draconian systems first described.

Within our own mind, we have a justice system. We can judge ourselves harshly, beat ourselves up, debilitate ourselves with guilt, remove both confidence and hope for positive change, not unlike the harsh criminal justice system described above. We can even apply our own form of probation, complete with impossible expectations, ultimately leading to future offenses and harsh self judgments.

If your minds justice system is more compassionate, taking responsibility is still necessary, but when the consistent focus is on healing, and nurturing positive change, even if it takes a while, odds are you will be successful in making such changes.

I love dogs too. Were not in a very good position to have a dog, but I do get to pet a lot of neighbors dogs and give them treats when we go for a walk.

It’s unfortunate that you have cat allergies. As a child, my son did too. He owns two cats now. He pets them occasionally, then washes his hands. I guess there are different kinds of cat allergies. One is dander, the other has to do with some kind of protein and cat saliva, that ends up all over them as they groom.

Human’s relationship to pain can be really complex. I will say, based on a lot of discussions and reading, attraction to pain is not that unusual. There are a lot of theories as to why so many people want pain of one kind or another, and I suspect there is at least some validity to most of them. I would like to think that talking to a therapist about it would be helpful.

You have a lot of self understanding. Consider how you were thinking and feeling six months ago. I imagine that you can recognize that you have undergone a lot of change and evolution of insight. Six months from now, you will have changed even more. For that reason, I’m confident that your life will improve.

I’m glad you’re not a cannibal!

[wren_wyn]

To be honest, if I went to jail, I’d probably die. I’ll admit it: I’m not a muscular person. It’s very shocking, I know.

Jokes aside, my mind’s justice system is brutal. I get so focused on fitting the image I want for myself that I cut away the excess “unneeded” pieces. Or I beat myself up and force myself to get the result I want. Especially with school, I’ll bicker with myself even if I only got one question wrong. “How could you do that?” “It was only one question-.” “You’re an idiot, were you even thinking?” “Well, in the end I tried my best.” “How intelluctually inept are you?” I think it’ll get better with time, but I’m not the most optimistic.

You’ve mentioned it in the past that I have a lot of self understanding, if I remember correctly. I think my writing has something to do with this. Also, discussions help for me to expand my ideas about causes or results. Thank you again for that possibility. I can’t explain it well, though. But I believe my writing really helps me, my characters, too. I’m able to self-project onto them and analyze them. I suppose it’s similar to a scientific model, for example.

I don’t want to tell my therapist because then I’d have to tell them that I cut myself. Then my parents would find out and it’d be stressful for me. So I’d rather not, at least for right now. Besides, I like it. Mh. That sounds bad actually, ahah.

When I was younger, I went to my cousin’s house on occasion. I’d pet the cat, touch my face, then have to sit with a wet washcloth on my eye because I became itchy. Currently, my friend has cats and I can’t breathe whenever I go over to their house. I’m fine for a bit and then I start sneezing and wheezing. I have really delicate lungs. It’s unbearable to sound like an accordion and not be able to breathe.

I usually let my writing age for a few hours before coming back and rereading or editing. My attitude is lighter here. A bit more awkward but more carefree and playful in a way. I try to not let that side come out often.

[Wings]

I agree, that writing can lead to challenging our own thinking, or at the very least, getting in touch with it. Good writers do edit and re-edit their work. Even with my compulsion to make my first attempt my final draft, I’ll still look over what I’ve written and realize I’ve left something out or could’ve made something I’ve written more clear.

I’m glad you’re aware of your brutal justice system. Would you be similarly brutal to a friend who was dealing with issues similar to yours? Have you noticed that sometimes, when an athlete fumbles, they often fumble a couple more times? It’s because the first fumble shook their confidence and their subsequent activities felt more awkward, or like Elvis would say, “all shook up.” One could say, the first fumble triggered the self-talk, “you’re an idiot.”

Regarding harsh self-judgment, as Doctor Phil would say, “how’s that working for you?”

If you have a nice vehicle with a dent, do you consider it a wreck? If you take a test, and get one or two wrong, is it like a dent in the test, or is it a failure? Negative self-talk tends to program the subconscious to do whatever it can to fulfil the negative expectations. That’s why when parents try to shame their children into better behavior, it either doesn’t work, or it has the opposite effect. Then the children get into the habit of shaming themselves, and too often such self-shame becomes a life long habit.

Consider treating yourself as you would a friend, even when making mistakes, and especially when you’re dealing with difficult emotions.

I wish schools could teach something like “life 101,” so students could learn about managing anxiety, gaining wisdom from mistakes, self-nurturing, empathy, you know, stuff like that.

I have some writings you might find interesting, if I can find them.

Talk to ya later.

[wren_wyn]

I can relate to the “fumble,” though. In band if I missed a note, I’d lose all my confidence and play quietly or join back in after a few measures. I’d lose all my confidence and become self conscious of multiple things- Am I playing the right note? Do I sound okay? Am I on time? Did anyone hear my mistake? It usually takes a few minutes of playing before I start feeling comfortable again.

To me, missing 1-2 questions on a test is like a failure since I failed to meet my expectations. Academics is a way I can get praise and attention. If I do well, then I get positive things. If I don’t do well, I still get praise but I disregard it because I didn’t please myself or make myself proud. I can’t accept praise or more for something I know I could’ve done better on. My family always tells me how smart I am, but I’m really not. I was given an opportunity and I exceeded it which is why I’m ahead now. I’ve rambled.

Regardless, I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. But when it comes to things like school, when I am hard on myself, I achieve what I want. This reinforces my behavior. As for whether it’s actually effective, I don’t know. It’s similar to an instance of correlation vs. causation in that sense.

I suppose I would treat a friend more kindly than myself. Er. I shouldn’t say it like that, it makes me sound heartless. I most certainly would, though. I have trouble accepting kindness and treating myself with kindness, too.

I agree. I wish schools better prepared students. It really is just achieving the credits required with classes that have no practicality (math), though I may be biased. I’m just unsure of where to implement imaginary numbers in my day to day life. Schools should teach students the core classes as well as practical learnings they could utilize in everyday life, too. Or actually teaching APA format instead of only doing MLA.

Regarding your writing, sure. But what type is it? Fiction or non-fiction and genre is what I’m referring to. I must admit, if it’s like a scientific article, I may have trouble. My brain is so fried from having to read that type for class and then write a report. Please, anything but the scientific articles.

[Wings]

@wren_wyn

Please, anything but the scientific articles.

It’s generally philosophy as it relates to my personal experience, but I think we’re already covering that.

Speaking of science and theories based on correlation, I like to tell the story about Wendy’s dog, Nana. She had gotten it into her head that in order for the sun to rise, the moon must be gone. On moonless nights, there wasn’t a problem, and the sun would rise on schedule. However, if the moon was out, it was up to Nana to bark at the moon until it decided to leave. Poor Nana! Such responsibility! That story came to mind when one of my teachers was doing a terrible job of explaining the "scientific method."His contention was that when studies are replicated and the same results occur, the theory must be valid. Indeed, such scientific tunnel vision is surprisingly common. Regardless, Nana gets an A for effort.

It sounds to me as though the instrument of motivation is fear of self disappointment. Yes, that can work, but in order for it to do so, the only way to avoid self disappointment is to be perfect. Lack of perfection triggers negative self talk and shaken confidence, which can produce a greatly increased risk of being even less perfect.

When it comes to long-term learning retention and developing the ability to synthesize additional understanding from the information presented, wouldn’t the process be optimized through finding enjoyment in the process? How enjoyable can the process be while working under the cloud of a self-directed mandate to be perfect? Is perfection attainable or sustainable?

One thing about making mistakes is that once aware of them, they aren’t likely to be repeated. I got really good grades in college, but I wasn’t perfect. Some students crammed for tests, got perfect scores, then shortly afterwards, forgot a lot of the material they studied. With ADD and dyslexia, for me, cramming was counterproductive. Instead, I took on a little bit of material at time, usually visualizing how the information could be useful to me.

Towards the end of my junior year, the school administered something like a GRE, but nursing specific. My GPA was 3.8, but in those tests, I got the highest scores, much to the chagrin of the 4.0 GPA students. It’s one of those correlation/causation myths. One would assume that a person with a 4.0 GPA would know more than someone with a 3.8. For the most part, I enjoyed learning the material, so I remembered it even after semester finals. The 4.0 students crammed for finals, then because it was such a stressful experience, they detached from it and a significant amount of the associated learning.

The bottom line is, stress a bit less, enjoy a bit more, accept and embrace your humanity.

One correlation that seems quite persistent is that self-care and acceptance is associated with an enhanced ability to accept and care for others.

[wren_wyn]

I hope I didn’t come off as rude. I’ll be fine regardless. Thanks for offering to share, though (:

@Wings

It sounds to me as though the instrument of motivation is fear of self disappointment. Yes, that can work, but in order for it to do so, the only way to avoid self disappointment is to be perfect. Lack of perfection triggers negative self talk and shaken confidence, which can produce a greatly increased risk of being even less perfect.

My mental state is the continuation of an already started toxic cycle. By that I mean my abuser began it and, in a way, I’m continuing it.

I have multiple motivations: (1)trying to prove society wrong, (2)trying to prove my abuser wrong, (3)dissatisfaction with myself (self esteem, etc), and (4)wanting to pay back my parents for my burden.

(1)By “society” I’m referring to the school. I suppose it’s not entirely society. I want to show that I’m more than a fruity homosexual or however else they view me. (2)Trying to prove my abuser wrong is because he used to tell me how stupid I was. (3)Getting good grades makes me feel a sense of achievement. (4)Wanting to pay my parents back is to make them proud of me since I’ve put them through so much stress (my abuse, school, mental health, etc.).

This sounds stupid, but I don’t know how to stress less. I’m trying to fit a label I’ve given to myself and it’s more than difficult. Others label me as well, but that seems to be a societal thing.

What it all comes down to is me wanting to do well. But I’m attempting to reach that goal with the wrong methods.

[Wings]

During my formative years, I felt like such a hopeless misfit and loner, I didn’t give much thought to proving anyone wrong about me. My primary abusers had opposite approaches, one used shame and was offensive and insulting, the other using manipulative flattery.

I did horribly in school until I dropped out at the age of 15. At that time, conforming to teachers expectations in relation to class participation and assignment completion, was given priority over the actual learning process. With the exception of math, I would get A’s in my tests, but still fail the classes because I didn’t do my assignments. Although I have a decent IQ, I was also dealing with ADD, PTSD, and dyslexia. Therefore, I had an absolute mental block when it came to functioning according to expectations in a traditional daytime school environment. On my last day at school, the counselor promised me that I would never succeed at anything.

As I mentioned earlier, I did enjoy learning, but not if it meant doing so in school, that is until after dropping out, then going back and taking adult classes. The atmosphere was different enough in adult classes, that it did not trigger the absolute resistance and loathing that I had previously connected with school. That’s when I started enjoying it, and getting really good grades. That’s when it occurred to me, that I had proven that shitty counselor wrong, along with all the others that viewed me as a pathetic, underachieving outcast.

You have proven to me that you are quite intelligent. No doubt, you have done so with others as well. What is to be gained by proving that you are not stupid to a person (your abuser) who is clearly incapable of seeing your intelligence? The fact is, it’s impossible to prove one’s intelligence to a stupid person. Your abuser may have been clever, but not genuinely intelligent. Trying to make you feel stupid was an attempt to prevent you from seeing who he really was. Such behavior is a demonstration of his stupidity.

Yes, you are the author of your own label. Humans evolve. You are evolving, gaining both wisdom and experience. It’s okay to change your label, or to decide its definition needs refinement.

Yes, you have attempted to reach goals in less than ideal, and at times problematic ways. You have also put a great deal of thought and effort into introspection, and it has been very productive. If you are like me, you will find that changing habits or acquiring new ones, needs to be done incrementally, gradually, and gently enough to be sustainable. Consider also, the entirety of your future can only be accomplished through achievable daily goals, and those are managed through a series of present moment decisions.

[wren_wyn]

I was very tired yesterday and didn’t have the energy to respond. And my health is declining, I have a sore scratchy throat.

I don’t mind school in all honesty. When I understand the content, then any subject is fine. I used to not study and still get A’s. I’d finish my homework in class and only play video games when I got home. Grades used to not bother me when I was in middle school. But all my teachers made high school out to be this gigantic challenge and it’s going to be a hard transition. For me, it wasn’t. If anything, when I went back to physical school (recently), I was so damn bored. I often got sick or I didn’t want to go to school because it wasn’t engaging and because of the bullying. I missed almost a month of school, 26-28 days I believe. I find school fun, everything except math and English.

I don’t find myself that intelligent. Average, I would say. By “proving my abuser wrong,” I mostly meant proving myself that what he said about me is wrong. I don’t like losing, especially to other people. Well, he’s more like scum. I saw what he was when I slowly woke up, when his stories didn’t line up with logic and reality. I played along with him and danced his dance out of fear. If anything, he was the idiot. But I always shift it to myself.

I heard that habits take 30 days to make. I have a difficult time with habits. I usually give up after a while. Probably doesn’t help that I try to brute force it. Or by trying to achieve the impossible. Everything is so connected with each other that it’s hard to dissect- one thread leads me back to the beginning.

[Wings]

I think most people are so used to existing within their own skin, it’s hard to notice anything about themselves to be outstanding or above average. So, while you see yourself to have average intelligence, I believe you are well above average in intelligence.

I am glad that you are detached from whatever your abuser may think about you.

I hope you feel better. Don’t worry about not responding to me. Actually, I hope you don’t feel compelled to answer me. I’d rather you just do it when you feel like it.

It sounds like you have a far better relationship with school and study than I did prior to college. I also had extreme difficulty with math, and had to take a couple semesters of remedial math before I could even enter a degree program. My relationship to English is kind of comical. I never really got a handle on sentence diagrams, the descriptors of grammar, etc. At the same time, I was exempted from a lot of work in college because I was so good at writing. In Florida, and perhaps elsewhere, there’s this thing called the “Gordon rule” which requires students to write so many thousands of words in essays before they can advance to their junior year. I found myself exempted from that requirement in my freshman year.

Regarding habits, it really does seem that the harder you fight a habit, the harder it fights back. In fact, I’m pretty sure that even using the term “fighting” a habit informs and directs the subconscious to struggle with it and remain uncertain as to the outcome of that struggle. These days, when I find myself about to be engaged in a habit I wish to change, I may either redirect my thoughts, or simply clear my mind for a minute, then ask myself “what do I really want to do in this moment?” For example, I crave chocolate. In the past, I just fed the habit, often without thinking about or enjoying it very much. I got around to stopping momentarily before reaching for it, then taking a deep breath and calming my mind, that asking myself, “is this really what I need right now?”

I still do a bit of chocolate at times, but it no longer feels like it’s compulsory to down 300 cal worth.

Something else I figured out is, stopping a long-term habit leaves a void, or a sense that something is missing. When that feeling is present, it’s ridiculously easy to fall back into the habit that you’re trying to avoid. Therefore, when it comes to tenacious habits, I think it’s better to consider alternative activities, to lessen that feeling that a part of life is missing. I smoked between one and two packs of cigarettes daily for 23 years. When I quit, I filled the void by taking up cross-country skiing. It worked out really well. A lot of people complain about gaining weight when they quit smoking. For me, it was the opposite because of all the exercise. I think it took about three months before I felt confident that I wouldn’t start smoking again.

I agree, creating habits can usually be accomplished in around 30 days. It may take more or less time, but persistence pays off. You mentioned that “everything is so connected.” Indeed, that is true. On the positive side, with such interconnectedness, favorable changes may also affect “everything.”

[wren_wyn]

Thank you. It’s not too painful, but it hurts to swallow. I’m not sure if it’s seasonal allergies or if I am sick. I don’t actually mind responding, it’s nice to have someone to talk to. It makes me quite happy. But I also hope that you don’t feel obligated, either.

I utterly despise math. I don’t hate it when I actually understand what I’m doing (polynomials), but when I’m attempting to teach myself concepts I don’t understand, it’s more than frustratingly difficult.

As for English, I’ve never gotten a grasp on things like verbs, adverbs, adjectives, etc. Maybe my sentences are incorrect in that sense, but I think for the most part if it sounds off then it probably is. I hate writing essays. I think they’re so boring. Why not encourage creativity? Or self expression through writing. I once submitted an essay on why creative writing is better than essay writing.

Enough of my petty and flawed arguments.

When it comes to myself, I struggle to find what I truly want or crave. I don’t know how to explain it. I know right from wrong, I know what the general answer for things is but I can’t apply them to myself. For example, my therapist gave me a worksheet about trust and the types of trust I place onto others. I haven’t put anything down, really, because I don’t know. What does trust feel like? I don’t know. They had asked me, for instance, if I would trust someone who physically hurt me. I don’t know.

That also applies to habits. I know why I do some of the things I do, but I don’t know how to change them or what to substitute them with. My cheek and lip chewing, for example. I tried gum and stress balls and it worked until I dropped them. I probably need to slowly ween myself off of doing things like my cheek chewing and give myself something else to do like you had mentioned.

[wren_wyn]

I actually had a decent day today. So much so that I’m actually writing about it. I don’t feel as stressed. I finished a big assignment and have 1 more assignments for that class before it’s finished (it was a 6 week class). I also got to play my various video games for a while which made me quite happy. I got cheesecake (my favorite cake since I was little).

I think the best thing is that my parent said they were going to try to ween off addiction. They’ve been struggling with it for as long as I can remember. So it made me kind of happy to hear that they were going to try and quit.

[Wings]

We are starting to get layers of pollen all over here, so that could very well be the issue for you as well. I felt it in my throat when I was out walking today, but I do a pretty good job avoiding irritation by sucking on sugar-free mints.

It sounds like we have a very similar relationship to English. I use the same approach when writing as you. If it’s clear, and expresses what I want, I feel as though it must be acceptable. As it turns out, based on my college experience and beyond, it really does work that way. Differences in writing style usually involve variations in sentence structure, punctuation, and even paragraph format, among other things. Along with that, there is no shortage of English “experts,” who insist that their way is the only way that is correct, while at the same time contradict each other. There are some basic rules and parameters, such as when to use commas and periods, or avoiding the use of paragraphs that take up an entire page.

I think the main purpose of essays is to share information, or in school, to demonstrate knowledge. That’s why they tend to be dry and boring. That didn’t stop me from trying to be entertaining when writing them. That’s when you find out whether or not your instructor has a sense of humor.

Regarding your therapist’s worksheet, if you’re like me, you might spend hours or days trying to figure out the answer to some of those questions. Besides that, I have noticed that having taken such assessments in the past, then looking at them a few days later, I’d be wondering why I didn’t answer some of the questions differently. Even if coming up with answers is difficult, there is insight to be gained in how we think about things. Also, thinking about a question, regardless of how it’s answered, invites the mind to give the question further consideration in the days that follow.

It might also be worth trying to answer the questions quickly, with the first thing that comes to mind, even if it seems absurd. Then you can work on connecting the dots, to figure out what thoughts and feelings triggered the answer. I think when it comes to trust related questions, the feeling of not knowing the answer may be because your mind resists revisiting the reasons for the answers you would provide. In other words, considering such questions might be both unpleasant and triggering.

Consider telling your therapist that you are not prepared to deal with that kind of questionnaire yet.

From as far back as I can remember, I’ve chewed my cheeks. When I was a kid, I lived where the winters were cold, and my lips would chap. Then I would keep peeling the skin off my lips with my teeth. As I got older, I started using Chapstick, then the urge to do that went away. I still chew my cheeks occasionally, but can go for a month or more without doing it. Then if I notice myself doing it, it’s easier to stop. For some reason, if I use mouthwash and/or brush my teeth and my cheeks, the urge to bite them diminishes to the extent that I can forget about it.

I think when it comes to ending any habit, extending the amount of time between its occurrence, is tangible evidence of moving towards success. If you can go seven days without doing something, then the end up “falling off the wagon,” you still have seven successful days to look back on. Then, if you make it to the eighth day, that’s evidence of progress. Making incremental changes like that is how I managed to go from being barely able to run a block to being able to run 10 miles. In the beginning, I probably would’ve killed myself if I tried to run two blocks. My early gains were no more than 20 feet at a time. I don’t run like that anymore. I just had to prove to myself that I could do it, but I have arthritis, and I want my knees to last. These days, I walk about 20 miles a week.

[wren_wyn]

I think I am sick. My throat is more sore today than yesterday.

I think for the most part, the English language and sentence structure is based off of “what sounds fine.” Like how we instinctually know when to put commas or when to place periods.

I still haven’t put much on the worksheet because I don’t have an answer currently. That sounds sad, ahah. I’m unsure of what to put.

I feel a little lonely. My friends traveled for school so I’m the only one back home. I have a hard time considering this place my home, though. I’m happy to be homeschooled again, but it’s pretty isolating. But I also don’t want to go out anywhere because it’s cold (it snowed again) and I don’t like social situations.

I’m nervous for the weekend. I invited my friends to the bookstore since they hadn’t texted me for about a month and they all agreed. Since I haven’t talked to them and a lot of new information has come my way, I feel there will be a disconnect between them and me. Er what I mean is that I don’t know what has happened in their lives recently. It’ll be awkward. But, I’m usually good at acting like nothing happened.

Admittedly, I want to go to the bookstore to look at the manga. There’s a few that I’ve wanted to buy for a while but I don’t know if the store will have them. I have a habit of collecting things. Well, collecting then purging. I collected things like trash for the longest time- m&m boxes, candy wrappers, bandaids, lollipop wrappers, etc., all of which were mine. And then I go through phases of purging where I throw everything away and strip everything of any substance.

[Wings]

@wren_wyn

My throat is more sore today than yesterday.

I hope you get better soon. On Wednesday night, I woke up three times with my throat so scratchy it brought tears to my eyes, not that it was painful, I just had a hard time getting rid of the tickle. I would take a cough drop, then feel better, only to wake up a little while later as soon as the cough drop wore off. My throat’s okay now though.

Yes, there may be a feeling of disconnect when you first get together with your friends, however as you get caught up on the events in your lives, odds are you will feel connected again. Also, people usually love to talk about what’s going on with them and what they’ve been doing. Being a good listener is very endearing.

We don’t have room for a lot of books, but we do have thousands on Kindle.

As long as you purge your collected stuff on a regular basis, I don’t think it’s a big deal that you let it accumulate for a while. I collect stuff too. My wife gives me a hard time about some of it. I have a stack of bed frames, with the thought that someday I will convert them into yard art. I have a lot of vinyl records. I have a bunch of old, but still working computers. I just can’t bring myself to sending them to a landfill. Still, I go through my stuff every six months or so, to see what I really can get rid of.

[wren_wyn]

Thank you again. I still plan on going (not sure if I mentioned that already). I think it’s just a simple cold. I get sick often, unfortunately.

People do like to talk about themselves. But before when I first entered the school, it was difficult since they would mention people who I had no clue of. Or talk about events in the past. I feel as though a lot of the time, I end up third wheeling. I stay silent with a blank mind. Anyways, I think it’ll be fine, but maybe a bit awkward. Doesn’t help that my throat hurts.

My morbid jokes have increased lately because I’ve become more suicidal again. I don’t know why. I feel so helpless at times or so saddened that I want to cry. I’m just tired. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t explain it well since it’s only a feeling. But I keep having thoughts along the lines of “I want to kill myself” “I’m going to kill myself” “I deserve to die” etc. I’m of no danger to myself as of right now.

I like having a large quantity of things so I collect and hoard them until I complain about having no room. Then I purge and regain a bunch of stuff once again.

[Wings]

Yeah, talk of death, especially of someone nearby, tends to freak out a lot of people, especially if they are young. Losing a friend does hurt, yet how worthwhile is a friendship if you cannot be yourself?

Because of poverty and evictions, I attended 13 schools in nine years, so I rarely fit in, even as third wheel. Still, I can relate to that awkward feeling. These days, I no longer feel awkward about feeling awkward

After years in the medical field, I believe I can handle any and all morbid jokes.

I don’t believe you deserve to die or any misfortune for that matter. I believe you very much deserve happiness and fulfillment.

[wren_wyn]

The good thing about me being sick is that I’ll be wearing a mask. I think that will aid in alleviating my nerves. But conversation should come naturally, I believe. I’m sure they have lots to tell me which will be easy on my throat, too. I’m anxiously excited.

I’ve become more suicidal lately. It always seems to come in waves or phases. It doesn’t feel the best, though. Especially when my chest aches and I feel twisted. Or when I can’t describe what I’m feeling because I have no idea. It doesn’t matter now, they’re fine now. I don’t have a good feeling, though, for some reason.

I do have some positive news that I’d like to cover a small bit. I finished one of my classes but I haven’t received a final grade yet. I did the math and I should finish with an A even if I get a low grade on the big final project. And I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay if I don’t perform perfectly in academics. I kind of started to realize this when my therapist said “you’re already so far ahead.” And I’ve been told before by someone else that “C’s get degrees.” I suppose no one is going to ask what grades I got in high school. But I’d like to get into a good college somewhere. I think I’ll be alright regarding school.

I’m considering getting a job so I can sustain my manga addiction. And it’d be a good learning experience anyways. I just worry about my safety. Oftentimes I get nervous if I’m surrounded and alone with adults. I don’t want to be touched again. But I want the money from working. It’s something to consider.

[Wings]

@wren_wyn

It doesn’t feel the best, though. Especially when my chest aches and I feel twisted.

Does your therapist associate your suicidal feelings with anxiety? Actually, I suspect that your anxiety exists in layers, as you have experienced trauma, but there may also be a layer of a more generalized anxiety, or a more specific kind that’s not associated with the trauma itself. I am mentioning this because you seem to be anxious in social situations that are fairly far removed from the circumstances of your trauma.

I am quite an introvert, and perhaps you are too. I can find myself uncomfortable, even small groups. Larger groups make my skin crawl. If I work at it, I can desensitize myself and tolerate being around people to a greater extent. Most of the time however, I don’t spend a lot of time around people, so my anxiety around other people is higher. So, I guess you could say, as long as I am not required to be around a lot of people, I’m okay with myself as I am.

I think having a job would be very beneficial to you. It could help you become more comfortable and confident around others. Of course the money is nice too. I would like to think that if you are working with adults in a reasonably public setting, no one would try touching you in inappropriate ways. Fortunately, for the most part, I either worked alone, or in a setting that included several women.

[wren_wyn]

I haven’t talked about my suicidal thoughts and feelings. I’m scared of my parents knowing.

I also believe my anxiety has layers. I’m heavily introverted and prefer to stay by myself. One part of my anxiety is a social aspect. I have trouble asking store workers for help and rather have my friends do it for me. Or order food for me because I’m too nervous to do it myself. It’s pathetic, really. I don’t know why I get so nervous to talk to people but I do.

The other part is my fear of being around people. I hate when people stand too close behind me or next to me. I feel like my personal space is being invaded. It’s about 3/4 of an arm’s length away that bothers me. I feel unsafe when that happens. I’m so scared of someone touching me. Or grabbing me. Or worse.

The way I’ve found to cope with it is to hide myself. I wear masks in public along with baggy, ambiguous clothes. I don’t need glasses but I wear fake ones to further cover my face, or at least give myself a different look. I’ve been thinking about a hat to wear, too, since that’d hide me more. I feel safe when I’m unrecognizable. When no one can determine who or what I am based off of appearance. Because maybe that way no one will choose to hurt me. If I’m not what they’re looking for, then why would they? Ahah. That’s a lie. I’ve been hurt even when I was in hiding. Let myself get too comfortable and ended up in the bathroom crying. That bastard. Damnit. I want to cry but my throat hurts too much.

The job is around multiple people I believe. I’m still deciding what the best thing to do would be. Although it would be beneficial for multiple sides of my health, I’m terrified. It’s minimum wage but if I work a week, I’ll have enough money for multiple mangas or maybe something else. Even if something happens, the tradeoff is worth it, in my opinion, since the manga will make me happy again. One of my favorites characters shares the same birthday as me so it makes it even greater, although he’s a bit special.
I don’t know how a job will work with my school schedule, either. I have to get settled first, especially as one of them just ended. I don’t want to throw myself into something else new without first feeling the area. Become sturdy before I add on more weight.

Edit:
I’m seriously unwell. I know this but I don’t want help anymore. At this point I feel as though no one can help me. I’m a bit nauseous right now from nerves. On Google maps, I was looking around where I live to find any places to kill myself. I don’t have a license so I’m giving myself until spring when the snow melts since I don’t want to walk in the cold. I’m giving myself until spring. When there comes a day where I’m left alone, I’ll leave my note and walk to the area. Until spring- I wonder if my birthday will have come or not, what a pitiful age. I could get a license but there’s no practical reason to currently, I don’t go anywhere. It won’t matter if I’m dead.

I don’t mean to be gloomy but I cannot think about anything else.