I don’t know where to begin, I’ve never done something like this before. I feel so genuinely useless. Nothing I do is ever right. I disappoint everyone And I’m a huge mistake.
Taking care of myself or cleaning my room or doing my homework just seems so hard to do. No matter how many people say that they are there for me, no one truly likes me. Everyone just uses me. My two friends from school always say that they care about me but they constantly leave me out and tell me how little I’m worth. They don’t care about my anxiety or how I feel and when I confront them about it, they tell me I’m selfish. My school is tiny and I don’t belong with anyone else.
My family always tells me how much of a failure I am and how I crushed their dreams by being born. Not to mention all the times my dad has tried to give me away. I’m always reminded of the fact that I am a mistake. But yet I still love them because they’re my parents and they still do good for me. But we always fight and I know that if I was never around, they would’ve been happier. Plus they always dismiss my anxiety as me being “a little bitch who’s getting on my nerves”
Recently I’ve lost my passion for my martial arts because I’m a lazy fuck now and I’m not good enough to succeed. I keep telling myself that I’ll workout but I never do. I have been taking culinary classes where I met my boyfriend but I know that I’m not good enough for him or the class and that everyone can see I’m a failure.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, everytime I look at my body all I can see are my hip dips and fat arms or my big forehead or big feet, I am just ugly and worthless. I don’t know if there’s anyway to fix myself tbh
Hey I just want to say that you matter! Don’t let anyone make you feel like your worthless, especially your family. It is okay to cut toxic people out of your life and sometimes that might include your current friends and even your family. I’m not saying it is going to be easy to do but it is doable and I promise you’ll feel better once you are able to distance yourself from the toxicity. Lean on anyone who is willing to listen, this includes the boyfriend (no you’re not going to be a burden on anyone… See I know how anxiety brain thinks I do battle with an anxiety mistress too 
), or even here just like you already did! Which by the way props for taking a step and reaching out for help, never stop asking for help!
I hope the universe guides you onto your journey of life and you find some peace from the toxicity 
Hey @OpalA,
First of all, thank you so much for sharing.
Anxiety can occupy a lot of space on your daily life and it can take some time to learn how to manage it effectively, on a daily basis. It’s perfectly legitimate that you want to share your difficulties with your friends or family. And sometimes we don’t receive the support we hoped in return, and our loved ones can do us more harm than good.
As @MoDarkLadySith pointed out, relationships can become toxic and it’s possible that you haven’t met the right people yet, concerning your friends. A relationship becomes toxic when what others tell you or do to you results in altering your self-esteem.
I’m also sorry about what your family said to you. These are particularly violent words and, if it’s something you are used to hear, it’s quite normal that you end up considering it as being true. I would therefore like to contradict their words:
You are not a mistake. You are not worthless. You are not useless. You are not a burden.
The context in which you are right now doesn’t help you to see this clearly and to feel it.
You matter. You are worthy. You have value.
I am glad you exist and I am glad to be allowed to read you, even if I would prefer it to be in better circumstances for you. I am glad you suceeded in posting this despite your doubts and all the negative things you think about yourself right now.
Sometimes you have to try to take a step back with some people when they become particularly hurtful. And it’s okay to do that. You don’t choose your family, but you can always decide the kind of relationship you want to have with them. It’s sometimes tricky, but it’s never too late to set boundaries and have a healthier environnement.
Much Love. 