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I feel sorry

I feel sorry for myself because I have nowhere to go and ask for help.
I feel sorry for myself because I was forced to leave.
I feel sorry for myself because I am a big piece of garbage no one wants to help anymore.
I feel sorry for myself because people will always choose others over me.
I feel sorry for myself because I never dare talk about the wrong people do to me.
I feel sorry for myself because I’m too worthless to stand up for myself.
I feel sorry for myself because I’m too worthless for anyone to stand up for me.
I feel sorry for myself because I believed that this place was a good place.
I feel sorry for myself because I’ve been hurt.
I feel sorry for myself because I’m too worthless for my pain to even be acknowledged.
I feel sorry for myself because it is one of the things that is ruining my life.
I feel sorry for myself because people think I’m crazy when I am not.
I feel sorry for myself because God decided to create me without my consent.
I feel sorry for myself because I’m too worthless to be able to kill myself.
I feel sorry for myself because I will have to live in pain until I finally gather my courage and do it.
I feel sorry for myself because no one will read this.
I feel sorry for myself because this topic and my account will be deleted ASAP because the truth bothers everyone.
I don’t feel sorry for the people who won’t be able to read this and will be hurt because they don’t exist as I am the only piece of trash here.

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I feel good for you because you found this place to go and to post.
I feel good for you because you came here
I feel good for you because you have the same right for help and love as anyone else
I feel good for you because not only me but others will decide to choose to support you
I feel good for you because you will once will be able to talk about what happend to you
I feel good for you because you are worth to stand up for yourself, and you did by coming here
I feel good for you because you are worth that I am and others will stand up for you and your right to get support and help
I feel good for you because you acknowledge your pain and will be able to talk about it
I feel good for you because you will do the right steps to get your life in order.
I feel good for you because noone here thinks you are crazy.
I feel good for you because God created you for a purpose.
I feel good for you because I am glad that you chose living over death
I feel good for you because I read it, and others will.
I feel good for you because I see no reason why your account or this topic shall be deleted
I feel good for you because you are not trash, you are a living human being, worth being loved and supported.

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No, all this is not true otherwise I wouldn’t have been treated like garbage here, in this very place that is apparently “heaven in this hellish place that is the internet” or something along those lines.

I don’t deserve help anyway. When my cat dies, there’s no one to tell me “I’m sorry for your loss” (even if they don’t mean it) or to tell me it’s not my fault and that what happened is not normal (so I concluded that it was mine and that it was normal). Someone got a reply in the next 12 hours, but as far as I’m concerned, it had been days and still nothing. I’m not saying that their pain doesn’t matter, but that my case mattered at least at much as theirs, if not more given the circumstances of the events (I’ve also lost other animals to both old age and disease so I know what I’m talking about). There was no one to tell me that hiding things from my sister was not a good idea (cuz yeah, I thought it was, but that was because I’m so stupid that I had forgotten that no one would ever do anything for me (but they would for other people, of course)).

Just like there was no one to tell me that the way my sister treated me was wrong (so I concluded that I was a whiner for sacrificing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING because of someone). Another example that happened this morning: she said that I would be able to go to pee only AFTER bringing her food. Let me tell you what I heard a few days ago on TV: people who complained about being asked to take their parent home for a few days/weeks until there were no more covid cases among the retirement home residents and saying that it was impossible as their parent was completely dependent on others and even needed to be fed. But that was only a bogus excuse because you could immediately tell by the look on their face and the tone of their voice that the real reason was not that they couldn’t, but that they didn’t want to. Because technically, they could have. They’re just weak selfish pieces of shit. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the hell I’ve been living for years, and everyone finds it normal. I understood why. That’s because everyone thinks that I’m their idiot they can do anything to.

That’s why I’ve been treated like a shit here and don’t deserve the help other people deserve. There’s no one to help me anymore here anyway. Everyone thinks I’m crazy or a troll or whatever they were told. Because of other people, I have no one to talk to and ask for help to anymore. I don’t know how some people can treat others like garbage and still be able to sleep at night. Sometimes I wish I killed myself so people had blood on their hands. I’ve had enough of always being the one who has to pay for other people’s actions. I’m fed up with other people always destroying my life. I hate everything and everyone.

Now hurry up and delete my posts and account because I dared come back again and “”"“lacked you respect”"""" and it “”"“hurt”""" you. Let me tell you that I’d change places with you anytime. I don’t know why I should be careful about respecting you when no one cares about respecting me in the first place. Well, actually, I know why. It is because I’m everyone’s piece of garbage they can do anything to.

Before you start thinking again that this girl is crazy, let me remind you again that I wasn’t this way before I was treated like garbage. No one had any issue with me when I was going by “9 something” at the beginning of the year or by “CottonCandy” over a year ago either. Let me also tell you that now that the harm’s been done, it doesn’t matter whether I’m away from here or not. But I understand that I’m a bother. You should really hurry up and implement that censorship feature so that you won’t have to deal with this kind of messages ever again. Not that I’d come back a second time. What would I for? There’s no one to help me and no one cares.

Everyone deserves help. That includes you.

I’m sorry you’re cat passed. You’re parents should’ve put the tarp over the pool, but they didn’t.

I don’t believe that the things that have happened to you are your fault. I believe that some of us are unfortunate in the hands we are dealt and it’s not fair, and no, it’s not normal. It also saddens me that you require someone to tell you that something isn’t your fault or that something isn’t normal for you to believe it. It saddens me because I was that way once.

Your pain is valid, but nobody’s pain is any less valid or important than yours. Everyone at some point in time is going through things that we don’t know about. We only know what people decide to tell us, and some people don’t like to share as much. Maybe they have been hurt and don’t trust enough to tell the whole story, or they are so used to being strong that they don’t want to appear weak. I think it’s important to never take things at face value. Your pain is valid. You did nothing wrong. But these sentiments apply to everyone.

People can tell you all day whether something is a good or bad idea, but at the end of the day, it comes down to you and the decisions you choose to make. Like I said before, I don’t take things at face value and it would be foolish of me to assume that I know everything about you and therefore am capable of making that decision for you. Yes, keeping secrets is generally a bad idea, but again, I don’t know your circumstances. I don’t know if keeping a secret will keep you safe and that is why you kept the secret. I don’t know if, by telling your sister what happened, you will be exposing yourself to potential abuse by your family. I don’t know, and I won’t pretend I do.

I’m sorry nobody was there to tell you that the way you were treated was wrong. But I feel that deep down you know it’s wrong because you know how it makes you feel when people take advantage of you. You know how it feels to give your all to everyone, thanklessly. Nobody likes to be treated that way, and it should frustrate you. It is totally unfair. And I can say it all day, but you have to believe me or not, that is up to you.

What would’ve happened otherwise? It takes just a minute to go to the bathroom.

I think it would be hard for anyone to say that they’ve never done something selfish in their lives. Most people are decent though. Perhaps they don’t have the space to take in their parents. Maybe they are having trouble making rent as it is. Maybe they can’t quit their job to care for their parents otherwise they will lose their homes. Or maybe not. I don’t know the circumstances of those people and so I won’t assume. I know stuff like this isn’t usually black and white, unfortunately.

My mom was in the same boat a handful of years ago. She stayed home and cared for my grandma who had brain cancer and was not able to do much for herself. And it was hard. It was exhausting. I can only imagine that being in that situation against your will is even worse.

As far as your last statement - if this is the case, then you should show them otherwise. Tell them that you won’t just be their robot that does everything. That you want to feel appreciated for all the hard work you do, because you deserve it. Tell them that you’re frustrated and fed up, because I can tell you one thing. Nobody in this world can read minds, and coming from my own experience, they will continue to take advantage of you until you put your foot down and tell them you’re done.

You deserve help, definitely.

Everyone here is willing to help you. I’ve seen it in many threads. Everyone is welcome here in their time of need. So you /do/ have someone to talk to, here. I can’t speak for your personal life obviously, but I think everyone here does their best.

I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself because every life has value. But any decision you make is your responsibility and nobody here can be blamed for someone else’s actions. I understand that you are frustrated and angry and you need to vent. I understand that sometimes that causes people to say hurtful things that they may not mean. I’m sorry you are hurting, but you are your own responsibility.

Yes! Brilliant. I know you are fed up, as you should be. You have been treated in such a way, and for so long, that you believe that you are just worthless garbage, even though that’s not true. I’m glad you’re sharing that you’re fed up. I’m glad you’re letting your anger out, because that is the first step to changing. We are all in control of our own destinies. It may seem hopeless or hard, but if you never try to change your life, it won’t change. For me, it took leaving literally everything behind to go live on the streets because I work rather die on the streets than be treated like garbage when I knew I wasn’t. For a time it was hard, but I can guarantee you I would’ve killed myself if they didn’t kill me first. So I left.

I won’t deny the lack of respect, but as I said earlier, I understand how pain and frustration can lead people to act that way. I don’t take any of this behavior or words personally because I’ve been in pain. I’ve been without appreciation. I’ve been frustrated and cornered to the extent that I hated everyone and everything too. And so I am not offended and I am not mad at you. I feel for you, and I hope that in time you are able to find the strength to change your life for the better.

I believe you. I really do.

If you believe you are not being respected, that’s unfortunate. By no means do you have to continue submitting yourself to that. And no, you are not garbage.

I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re hurting. I think you’re angry and lashing out, because that’s what people do. You’ve been abused, neglected and damaged, just like so many others here, and it’s not fair, but it is the unfortunate reality. Do what you need to do to get that stuff out so that it doesn’t continue to cause you pain. We feel that you are unhappy. We know you’re not crazy.

All this goes without saying you don’t have to believe a word I just said. You can assume I lied the whole time or that I don’t really care. You can believe those things, or you can decide to trust me. I leave that up to you.

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Had I known that you would waste your time writing such a long reply, I would never have written that last post or even created this topic. It’s not gonna change anything anyway. I’m just stupid. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me that I’m making a fuss over something that is not that bad and that I should grow up. I just didn’t come here for this. But nothing happened anyway so.

I’ll believe you though and thank you for your reply. I am sorry you wasted your time.

I’ve wasted people’s time again because I’m a stupid piece of garbage. But I’m talking in circles. I just don’t know what to say anymore. All I do is make myself look like a bad person because no one understands what I’m talking about and like I said, I’m just a piece of garbage and should grow up. I don’t have anything to do here anymore anyway. I’m fed up with feeling as if I were gonna have a heart attack because I don’t know if I should expect something bad to happen to me again. All is ruined anyway. All I’m left to do is kill myself anyway because I can’t change anything to anything but I won’t do it because I’m a stupid piece of garbage. Maybe it’s my fault anyway in which case I deserved having to leave and not being able to ask for help in case someone would help me. Maybe it is some kind of ““self-sabotage”” and I’m making a fuss when I didn’t have to. I don’t know anymore. I always mess everything up at some point anyway. Maybe it’s my fault that I’ve felt treated like garbage and that it has affected me the way it has.

You can delete or do whatever you want with my account and topic, it doesn’t matter anymore. Just let them rot on your server. I don’t think they take up that much space and I’m so invisible that they won’t be a bother anyway.

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I know that I won’t have amazing words of wisdom in this moment, for that I apologize. I just want to say I see you, I hear your pain, I care. Please keep reaching out for help. Please don’t compare or allow others to minimize your experiences. I just ended up here tonight searching for something, too. I know I’m a complete stranger to you, but I truly want you to be ok.

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No time wasted. It has the potential to change something if you believe what I said about how you do deserve help, acknowledgement and appreciation. I understand that when you’re in the depths of being crushed by abuse it can be hard to believe or imagine that things can be different, but they can, it just takes work.

This here is something you can change. If you keep telling yourself you’re stupid, you’re gonna keep believing it. Perhaps try, “I am enough.” I don’t expect that you will believe it at first, but eventually you will. And then you can try, “I am a good person.” and, “I matter.” It is harder than it sounds to do this, although at the same time it could be the best way for your situation to get better now, and with no outside cost or intervention.

When I read this I imagined that this is probably what your inner voice sounds like. You’re doing the same thing I used to do, when I would tell myself cruel things before anyone else had a chance to so that it wouldn’t hurt as bad. The thing is, nobody here has a desire to tell you any of those things. You are doing what you can with what you have, and that’s all anyone can ask of you. You are enough.

You’re welcome. And I didn’t waste my time. You matter.

Try saying this instead, “I’ve reached out for help because I hurt.” We are happy to help. You are important.

There is no need to defend what you said, because everything you said was genuine and you felt that it needed to be said. We do understand what you’re saying, we just don’t believe your inner voice. We know that underneath the harsh words is a good person who lives life to help others, who is simply in pain and looking for a way out. You are important.

I know this feeling all too well. The expectation of something terrible to come because life has conditioned you this way. Hard times will always continue to come, but you can see your way through those times. This too shall pass. You are strong.

I’m sorry your inner voice is so mean to you. The beautiful thing about life is, even if today is done, tomorrow is yet to come with new possibilities to change your life for the better. You have that strength in you, because you’ve made it this far. You can do this. You are strong.

I find that searching for fault is generally a waste of time. At the end of the day you left the forum. Which is fine. That is your decision to make, not ours. There must be some kind of hope for you here though, because as much as your inner voice tells you lies about this place, you keep coming back and reaching out for help. You are important.

It absolutely is self sabotage, but guess what? That’s what people do when they grow up with a life of abuse. And that second part? That’s your inner voice lying to you again. Nobody is perfect. You can do this. You are enough.

Nah, you don’t. You are important.

It is not your fault. It is the way you were brought up that causes you to think the way you do. You just need to reprogram all of those bad things. You are making some powerful realizations. You matter.

I see hope in this. When, despite saying to delete your post, you say they don’t take up much space, which means you are acknowledging, somewhere deep down, that your words are worth the space, and they are. You are enough.

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@Sapphire No, I really have wasted your time as I didn’t come back to seek help. I just didn’t know that people would reply. I am really, deeply sorry about that. I’m still thankful for the things you told me, even though some made me feel a bit bad, so to me, it wasn’t really a waste of time in the end.

It’s not really that I keep coming back. It’s just that I had no reason to feel bad here so I would create a topic, talk a bit with whoever had replied to me, and then delete everything and leave. I left the other day because I have been what I consider treated like garbage and this place makes me anxious and have denied the help I was kindly offered because I’m a stupid piece of garbage (hence what I wrote in my first post but it doesn’t make what Sapphire took the time to write irrelevant) but people don’t and will never know what I’m talking about and it is probably better this way. No one cares anymore about what happened so it is useless I stay this time. It’s not like anything could have been done anyway and that’s why I left in the first place. If there are people who hate me here then I am not welcome here anymore anyway.

Like I said, everything always ends up being ruined because of other people. Or rather, because of me because I’m a stupid piece of garbage who makes a fuss about nothing instead of growing up and ““getting over it””. It’s my fault that I’ve felt the way I felt. Maybe I even deserved the way I’ve been treated. I deserved to feel like shit. I deserved to be abandoned. I don’t deserve help. So I won’t ask for help. I don’t have anyone to ask for help anymore as I had to leave another place that made me anxious, and that’s why this place meant so much to me. But if I can’t ask, then I won’t. Why do I want to ask for help anyway? I already know I should expect the worst, so why waste people’s time asking for help in a desperate attempt at doing things the right way? There’s no right way, only shit everywhere.

Had I known that this place would make me feel like shit and heartbroken, I would never have come back. But the pain became unbearable and that’s why I came back and created my first topic about love and that kind of stuff. And then I ended up staying because something happened. And then I created a third topic because something had happened again. And I came back again to create the last one about my cat. I’ve kept coming back because I’m a stupid whiner who can’t do anything by herself. But I won’t ask for help anymore. I had spent 26 years of my life never asking for help or talking to anyone about anything and I was still alive anyway, so I guess I don’t need help. You sure don’t need help anyway when you play all day long on the computer because there’s nothing else you can do and talk with absolutely no one and are too stupid to realize that your parents are not good parents (if they truly are and am not exaggerating).

Please do not reply as I won’t come back to read.

You can delete or do whatever you want with my things. What I meant about the space thing is that a few kb’s, or at worst, mb’s, won’t prevent other people from creating new accounts and posts.

I forgot to say thank you and sorry to all those who took the time to try to help me. I never wanted any shit to happen or cause trouble or anything like that.

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