Hey everyone, it’s likely no one really cared about my disappearing act but after seeing that one post where someone may have unfortunately left us I backed out of the forum and signed off. I felt… sick, it was a rather unnerving feeling really. I felt like I was hopeless, I couldn’t do anything, deep regret deep in me because I felt as though I didn’t to enough, if I caught it on time, but I sat back and didn’t do anything and did a lazy response.
I felt, off, after all of that, I needed time to myself because I personally have never seen this sort of thing before, even then it doesn’t excuse me in negating my help.
Although I was able to get out of that phase but still have problems in the real world and new thinks came up since I took a break.
I found I use multiple pronouns that I feel happy or comfortable with which I will have in my about me
Trevar has told me more about themselves.
I found groups where I don’t feel unsafe in being who I am and such.
But that’s about it for positives
My suicidal thoughts have skyrocketed and are now appearing out of nowhere for no reason.
Deep itching urges to do bad things.
Inability to work on the new semester because I know inside I failed junior year.
My family’s transphobia burying me alive in dysphoria.
Feeling like I can never be normal and not have ADHD, not have all of this stuff that constantly fuck me over.
Having a hard time leaving the bed and a fucked up sleeping schedule ontop of that.
The riots of the US capital made me find another trigger (protesting and rioting)
Constant fear and paranoia that I can die if I was every fully out as who I am or even still being closeted and someone tracking me down to hurt me.
It’s all been a mess but what I am glad is I have my boyfriend who is supportive of who I really am and helps me get though so much. I feel safe around him. I feel safer than I am in my own room. Crazy but true. He helps me feel better and work through my problems at my own pace. But even then I just want all of this over, I really do, I constantly suffer and I just want all this weight off me.
That’s all really sorry again for disappearing if anyone noticed that is.