I feel strange

[Sky-Trev]

Hey everyone, it’s likely no one really cared about my disappearing act but after seeing that one post where someone may have unfortunately left us I backed out of the forum and signed off. I felt… sick, it was a rather unnerving feeling really. I felt like I was hopeless, I couldn’t do anything, deep regret deep in me because I felt as though I didn’t to enough, if I caught it on time, but I sat back and didn’t do anything and did a lazy response.

I felt, off, after all of that, I needed time to myself because I personally have never seen this sort of thing before, even then it doesn’t excuse me in negating my help.

Although I was able to get out of that phase but still have problems in the real world and new thinks came up since I took a break.

I found I use multiple pronouns that I feel happy or comfortable with which I will have in my about me

Trevar has told me more about themselves.

I found groups where I don’t feel unsafe in being who I am and such.
But that’s about it for positives

My suicidal thoughts have skyrocketed and are now appearing out of nowhere for no reason.

Deep itching urges to do bad things.

Inability to work on the new semester because I know inside I failed junior year.

My family’s transphobia burying me alive in dysphoria.

Feeling like I can never be normal and not have ADHD, not have all of this stuff that constantly fuck me over.

Having a hard time leaving the bed and a fucked up sleeping schedule ontop of that.

The riots of the US capital made me find another trigger (protesting and rioting)

Constant fear and paranoia that I can die if I was every fully out as who I am or even still being closeted and someone tracking me down to hurt me.

It’s all been a mess but what I am glad is I have my boyfriend who is supportive of who I really am and helps me get though so much. I feel safe around him. I feel safer than I am in my own room. Crazy but true. He helps me feel better and work through my problems at my own pace. But even then I just want all of this over, I really do, I constantly suffer and I just want all this weight off me.

That’s all really sorry again for disappearing if anyone noticed that is.

[Wings]

I’m sorry you’re experiencing so many negative emotions. It’s good that you have a significant other whom you appreciate. It sounds like you’re in difficult circumstances, and your anxiety may be based on things that really should be avoided if possible.

This may sound like a silly question, but are you thinking too much? In other words, are your thoughts overwhelming you? When that happens, every problem seems impossible to resolve. What would happen if you decided you didn’t have to fix yourself and all your problems at practically the same time?

Maybe you don’t need to fix yourself as much as you need to organize your day to focus on one issue at a time. Sometimes it’s good to set all issues aside, and notice the birds, clouds and trees, or similar peace inducing scenes.

The issues you are dealing with are helping you grow in wisdom and empathy, and through this growth, you will become stronger.

Forget about being normal! It’s abnormal to be normal. Fortunately, it’s impossible to be “normal.”

Here’s a quick secret about ADHD. It’s often said, “a picture is worth a thousand words.” I also have the ADHD diagnosis. I figured out that my focus shifts rapidly because I am thinking through use of images and intuitive flashes. I suspect that’s a common trait in those with ADHD. Therefore, I believe that ADHD is more of an asset than a liability. It’s a problem in school if your mind holds a chapter’s worth if information, complete with associated imagery, in a single instant, while the rest of the class is plodding along, struggling to absorb information a little at a time. It’s hard for a mind to stand still or advance slowly through inner dialogue, if you’ve already covered the present information, and are ready to think about something else.

I was a terrible student because I was bored shitless, always ready to think about something else! Is boredom allowing your thoughts to drift in a negative direction?

Rather than think of all the stuff that’s weighing you down, ask yourself, “how can I manage this present moment in the most beneficial way?” You can only act on one thing at a time, so don’t try to hold an inventory of all of your difficulties in mind at the same time.

This is a new day, and you’re a new person. You are more equipped today to manage challenges than you were yesterday. Don’t live according to a story you’ve told yourself about yourself yesterday, or any time in the past. It’s common for people to maintain unshakable belief in the story they invented about themselves in early childhood. YOU are not your story, yet you are free to create one that motivates you, rather than cling to one that debilitates.

[Micro]

Hey @Sky-Trev,

It’s always good to see you, and your absence is not unnoticed. I’m not saying that to pressure you though, only to convey the fact that you are seen, but also genuinely loved and cared for. It’s a pleasure to learn to know you and do life with you. Really.

I hear what you say about not being able to respond to that person and feeling like you did a “lazy” response. I know you said you are now out of this phase, but I still want to share what follows with you, just as a reminder to keep with you whenever you need it.

If there is something that we have all at heart here, as a community, it’s that we all do as we can, and having boundaries for yourself is always important, and healthy. You are not lazy for caring and having at heart to help. It is absolutely okay to step back when you need it. We all do that from time to time. Some situations and topics we see here can be heavy and we may not be always in a good place to spend time around here, which is 100% okay. I feel that too sometimes. I look at some topics and can’t find any word because I’m not doing well or am just tired. It’s kind of my personal red flag that says: okay, now is a time to step back and focus on myself. And I listen to it.

The last thing we want for anyone here is to push themselves beyond their limits. It’s a place for love, always, and caring should never be a burden. I am proud of you for knowing your limits and when you need to step away a little. It’s not always easy to detect, beforehand, an emotional fatigue. That’s definitely a strength that you have, not only for yourself, but also for all the people you interact with. It means you can be very thoughtful in the way you spend your energy, both with yourself and others. <3

We’re going through a rough time at the world scale. Covid, news in general… you mentioned the riots in your country (hell, even from the other side of the world our news were invaded by this), all of this is very stressful and overwhelming. When you add personal obstacles and struggles, it can feel like it’s a lot to deal with. I think that, maybe even we don’t necessarily share the same personal difficulties, we can certainly all relate to this feeling of being overwhelm, especially after 2020 that broke down so many of the things we took for granted.

In such circumstances, it is tempting to make a list of all the things that are not functioning in our life, just like you did. It’s not a bad thing though. Sometimes we need this kind of moment when we just sit down and clear our mind. It helps to reduce this sensation that we’re running after our own life, as events and difficulties keep piling up.

You are facing a lot of challenges right now. And I don’t have all the answers, but you will be okay, @Sky-Trev. You just took a picture of your life in the present moment, and I really, really admire and respect your willingness to not just make it a dark picture, but something grey, with sparks of light here and there. It’s a honest representation of how you feel, of what you’re going through, but also what you are grateful for. You’re aware of what is positive, what is synonym of progress, but also the love and support that’s available for you. It’s so important to feel safe with people we share our life with. I am so glad you can count on your boyfriend through all of this, friend. And you know you have a safety net right here as well. With no condition, no requirement. Only you… being you. <3

You never have to apologize for not being around if it requires too much energy. The door is always open, unconditionally. What matters is that you take care of yourself before anything else. That’s what we collectively want for you. You are loved. You are cared for. Those are difficult times, it’s a process, a work in progress somehow. But you will be okay. There is so much strength within you. But you also deserve to rest when you need it, without feeling guilty for that. <3

PS - I’d love to know the pronouns you feel comfortable with, if you’d like to share it here. It’s yet another way to do life with you - it’s an important part of you.
*Edit: I just noticed you added them on your profile. Thanks for sharing it!

[Sky-Trev]

Thank you both for this @Wings and @Micro , it’s been a tough end of 2020 and fought beginning of the year. I appreciate it. Sorry I’m having a hard time finding words haha.