I feel like I’m going insane
I’m in treatment, taking my medication like I’m supposed to, talking to a therapist…but my mood and mental state have been exceedingly awful these past couple months
I have had my hours severely cut and haven’t worked in two weeks, so I have no money. My college classes are stressing me out like nothing else and we’re only now reaching midterms. A relative just passed away, and it was only after they did that I realized how much they helped and supported me and i never got to truly thank them even as I had the knowledge of their cancer. The world itself is cruel in a way that is never ending
I have frequent thoughts about hurting myself in various ways, I have a plan to not kill but severely harm myself enough to just get away and focus only on the physical pain instead of the mental pain
I’m struggling with alcohol abuse too; admittedly the lack of funds has made me cut back, but when i do, i always have too much just so i can numb the pain
The worst part is i have nobody to talk to. Before anyone says “friends, family, therapist”, my mom is incredibly busy with two jobs and going to college and my father has a lack of empathy that isn’t his fault, his brain works different like mine does, but it means he doesn’t really help much whenever i try to go to him. My sister is a christian who believes my gender identity is some horrible mistake so if I go to her I know she’ll just misgender me and try to convince me that has something to do with it and/or preach about god or whatever. I tried religion, trust me. it didnt help
If I try to go to my friends, it only makes me feel worse. I’ve tried talking to them but it ALWAYS just makes me so guilty I instantly regret doing it and it doesn’t help me at all.
I can only afford to see my therapist once a week for 45 minutes. And I definitely talk to her honestly. It just doesn’t feel like it’s actually helping me feel better
I’m post physical transition for gender dysphoria- I’ve had two surgeries and now im on hormones. Something tells me the hormones might have something to do with my sudden drastic drop in mood. but i’ve wanted them and look forward to the changes. And these surgeries, without them, I think I would have actually killed myself by now. But it’s the stigma against transitioning that makes me apprehensive to say im still struggling even after these treatments. like, I got what I needed, I have no right to be sad when there’s other transgender people who would kill to get what I got.
I feel so trapped with nowhere to go. Nobody I can talk to. I’m on the verge of tears in my classes most of the time. Ironically Im sometimes inclined to talk to two of my professors since ive had them more than once and they know me well and i know them well. but they’re just trying to do their jobs and it would feel very inappropriate
I feel claustrophobic all the time.
It’s like i need to scream but i cant