I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m so lost, I honestly want to die, but I can’t/won’t will myself to do it. One week I will feel happy, and the next my mood just sprays downhill and I have to fake everything. When I get home, everything just unravels. Help plz if you wish to.
Hi there,
First of all, thank you for posting to the community and sharing your thoughts.
Second of all, do you notice any triggers that make your mood go downhill, or anything you might do differently? Identifying triggers goes a long way to identifying root problems and maybe working on them.
Second of all, have you considered letting people know how you feel sometimes? Faking everything is exhausting. If it’s an option and you feel it would help, maybe reach out, or show your true emotions.
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Your post describes the first 40 years of my life and I completely understand the struggle of riding the emotional rollercoaster. After a while, it became difficult to truly let myself enjoy the “up” days because I knew the “down” would eventually follow; leaving me in a persistent state of either being anxious about the darkness. approaching or experiencing the darkness. I, too, felt there was no escape from this cycle and sometimes wished I could exit my own existence somehow in order to escape the pain of being “me.”
I’m an “old lady” now 
and while others my age are lamenting how old we’ve become, I’m grateful for the perspective that comes along with having survived my own life. I would never want to hand someone false hope or careless encouragement and now, having found my “light,” maybe I can encourage you to believe the rollercoaster doesn’t have to be yours to ride alone and it doesn’t have to be yours to ride forever.
I’m so glad to read that, while you have wanted death, you aren’t actively pursuing it - that’s a very big victory in itself, isn’t it? Keep refusing to will yourself to pursue death as an exit from your pain. Believe me, someday you’ll be so grateful that you did. No matter what, life is always the answer.
There are psychological conditions that can cause someone to have the up and down rollercoaster existence; the most obvious being manic depression or bipolar disorder. Without knowing more of your story, I won’t assume you have already ruled this out as the potential cause of your up-and-down feeling. If you haven’t considered this possibility, it might help to talk to a professional and see if what their thoughts are about treatment.
But whether you have already tried the professional route or not, I know that, in the meantime, what you’re feeling is very real and cannot be helped with the suggestion of professional help or the idea there “might” be a medical intervention that could help someday. Because you are feeling this pain now, in the present, and in a way that is very real to you.
I offer to you what I’ve learned about myself in the hope you might find in this something that may help you today.
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One of the best ways for me to get off the rollercoaster is to do something new that breaks the normal pattern or everyday monotony. It doesn’t have to be anything grand - sometimes just going for a drive, treating myself to a long shower, browing a small independent bookstore or visiting someone I haven’t seen in a while will give my day a little more variance and a little more strength to get through.
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I carefully filter my inputs by unplugging. Our lives are so inundated with a constant information and other mood influencing things from “the world.” The news, music, television, social media and so many other things bring external thoughts and feelings into our lives. We aren’t design to handle this kind of overload in interpreting our lives, our environment and ourselves and, for at least myself personally, I have found that turning off and avoiding all social media and anything with commercials, lyrics, or news gives me breathing space in which to find my own frequency without the influence of anyone or anything else. Sometimes the darkness we feel is actually the negative vibes of others; blocking out our light with their shade (intentionally and unintentionally).
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Finding a creative way to express how I feel when I’m down has been one of the biggest unexpected “helpers” on my journey. I had many times heard this was true and had never really considered a possibility for myself because I never considered myself artistic or creative. Now, having found a creative outlet for my pain through writing and painting, I cannot imagine navigating this life without them. Creative outlets can be anything you truly enjoy - cooking, painting, working on cars - that you don’t usually make time for in your day. Think of things you enjoy doing, or have enjoyed in the past, and give yourself permission to make time to do those things.
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Get physical. There is some real truth to the whole endorphin thing and just adding half an hour of yoga, walking, or just dancing wildly in my living room brings me a chemical boost to help me sustain while I’m feeling down.
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Becoming intentionally grateful is one I’m still working on. I have found, when I manage to remember to do so, that just reminding myself of what is good in my life can sometimes lift some of the clouds. It is easy, in the rush of life and in the midst of feeling depressed or overwhelmed, to forget about the people and the things we have to be ecstatic about every day. I’m stubborn and have had to really work at finding this perspective sometimes, so there are days I have to just be thankful for the breath I’m taking and the lungs that are allowing me to take them or for the sun that warms my skin when I’m outside.
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Finally, I watch the sunrise and sunset every chance I can get. There is so much beauty to be seen in the sky every morning and every night. Just taking the time to watch it unfold can bring a little peace and, if I remember to look for it, gratitude for being alive to see it.
I didn’t intend to write so much here and apologize for getting carried away, but I do want to share the things I have discovered so late in life - that it does and will get better, the rollercoaster can be exited and, often, what I need to feel happier is usually something that is within my power to do for myself, one little small change at a time.
I wish you light.
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I’m sorry you are feeling so lost. I’ve been there I’m not gonna say smile or cheer up. I always hate when people say that when I’m in that same place you are.
Instead I’ll sit beside you in the darkness and be your friend. You dont have to wear a mask or pretend. Cry with me yell at me whatever you want. Tell me what’s going on inside. Did someone say something do something? Or do you have internal dialogue that’s beating you down inside your head?
Take a few deep slow breaths and describe where the pain is felt in your body. Example does your stomach feel in knots. Tell me what you’re saying to yourself inside and maybe we can fact check them and find a more compassionate way to talk to yourself inside because you deserve to live… you are a gift… every life is precious … I want you in this world… you matter … so talk with me in the darkness share with me what hurts what angers you where the turn happened where you feel this is the only option… and maybe I can help you out of this dark place
You have this forum… we care… you matter … call someone and talk to them if you have to. I use an app called wysa but theres lots of apps out there… they have guided breathing and meditations to help in a moment of pain or panic… break the day down to 5 mins at a time if you have to just know you matter