I feel unclean and unlovable

I am in a somewhat new relationship and it has been such a positive thing in my life. We have become closer than any relationship I have had before but I feel like recently I have ruined it all. We had a very serious talk recently about our life’s and the possibility of a future together and I wanted to be completely honest with her so I admitted to her about some of my problems. Including some past depression and recovering mentally from a past porn problem. At first I felt like the conversation had gone well and that we had become so much closer but I can feel that she is more distant from me now. We had a talk the next day and things feel different. I feel like she thinks much less of me now. There are new walls between us. We are both Christian and have had a difficult time finding church involvement since the start of the pandemic but when I asked her if she wanted to look for a church together she said no. She said that she doesn’t want us to build a connection to a church together because if we don’t work out it would be awkward or painful for us. But she has never even mentioned the idea of us not working out until I opened up to her about my problems. I want to respect her boundaries and not over dramatize but it feels like she has an escape plan. My whole life I felt like these problems made me un lovable and I avoided relationships b cause if that but I feel like that made all my problems worse but now it just feels like my worst fears are coming true. It just feels like I am to difficult and dirty to be loved.


hello there,
Of course I don’t know for sure what’s going on in her head, but I’d like to propose a few different alternatives to her behaviour:

  • If this was one of the first serious conversation you’ve had, there is a reasonable period of time for her to digest all the new info, and resolve her feelings on it;
  • while it’s not romantic, it is practical to to find a church connection separately, this would allow you both to be able to develop your own relationship with the church, and not have everything connected and wrapped in your partner. Not even in terms of breaking up, but in terms of being able to have individual one on ones with elders, etc, if you need support.
  • could it be that you’re the one who’s acting different because you’re being a big defensive and because you still sort of expect her to reject you after being told the truth?
  • if she never spoke about the idea of you not working out, it also makes sense if this was the first serious conversation. it would not make so much sense to mention if before unless you were both having a serious talk about the future.
  • logically, it is always good to have an escape plan, we have to protect ourselves too, and having a plan if things go disastrous is a logical step. who would you call, where would you live/stay, etc. Again, it’s not romantic like the movies, but it is practical and wise to consider these things.

Also, even if the truth has changed things between you, you can’t be sad that you were open and honest. That is a HUGE sign of Maturity for you to share those things with her. If she doesnt stay, then she wasn’t the right person for you.

You are worthy of love and support. We’re here for you, whatever happens. You are not dirty or difficult to love.
Go forward with confidence. Treat her like you did before, and I hope everything will settle down for you both!

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Hey @1993

You did the right thing by talking to her, you did. It’s up to her to accept it and move forward, it has nothing to do with you. She is probably working things out in her head and just needs some space. Give her some time to realize that you’re a different person now. Let her see the goodness in you and show her that by example. If she chooses this isn’t something she can handle then you’ll know she wasn’t your person. She needs to support this, not condemn it.

You’re not unclean and unlovable, trust me, you’re not at all. You’ve over come your struggle of addiction, that’s FREAKING AWESOME!!! Celebrate that and be proud of yourself.

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Hey @1993 Thank you for writing, I am sorry that you are having these problems, I am genuinely sad for you. When you feel close to someone and all of a sudden you notice distances develop its a scary thing.
You most defiantly did the right thing talking to your partner and explain your past, I think its always better to be upfront and honest especially with something like mental health because you never know if or when it could rear its head in your future and it gives your partner a bit of a heads up as to what is going on. Not only that, it doesn’t define you but it is part of your past and we all talk about our past with our significant others so there is nothing wrong with that.
Saying all that. The two topics you spoke of take a bit of absorbing if you don’t really know much about them or were not expecting to hear about them so she could be in a little bit of shock so like @Mystrose says, she is probably still trying to get her head around it.
I wonder if you asked her if you could both have another sit down at another time to discuss how she is feeling and where you both see your future heading? It may be that she cannot accept your past? that does not make you unclean or unlovable, it just means you are just not suited for one another and its time to move on.
That is not your future though, having had these problems in the past should no way prevent you from having very successful relationships whether its this one or any other one.
You are worth as happy a life as anyone else.
Good Luck and please keep in touch with us here.
Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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Hey 1993!

EsRivs responded to your post on our livestream today with some wonderful words of encouragement!

Here is a link to a video of her reply so you can hear it!


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