Im lost, cause I don’t really know who i am. I been struggling with my emotions so much that i keep banging my head on the wall. I slept all day cause i couldn’t stand to be awake. I’ve been cutting recently and i been hiding my arm from my family, I’ve been wearing a jacket cause im scared for them to see my arm. I been feeling so depressed lately that i been taking depression test online and idk why i been. When i do be happy for a little i get this feeling that i don’t deserve to be happy so my mood switches back. I cry a lot when im alone, sometimes i feel like my mind is talking to me, but i can’t make out what its saying and it gets loud sometimes so i play music or i clean for hours until in not a lone anymore in my house.
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I don’t know how old you are, but I can tell you that my Major Depressive Disorder started because I lost my identity in college and had no idea who I was. In the worst of my depression, I passed the time by sleeping all day. As long as I was unconscious, I wasn’t feeling depressed. I can’t relate to cutting, but I did play sad music that triggered the harshest of my emotions just so I could feel something. I didn’t have the energy to sustain happiness, so happy moments were quick and muted.
You don’t have to know why you’re depressed. Major Depressive Disorder is a chemical imbalance. Maybe something triggered it, but then it spun out of control, so you may be depressed for no external reason now. It’s not your fault.
You took a big step coming here and admitting that you’re not okay. That’s hard to do because we like to be in control of ourselves. The next step would be to talk to a counselor if you’re able, someone who will listen, not judge, and help you find the tools to start identifying your triggers and shifting your way of thinking.