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I feel worthless and I think I deserve it


#1

How do I delete a post please?


#2

Anytime I express myself, I feel like I’m being manipulative in one way or another. Not a lot of people process information the way I do, and I constantly feel like I need people to be able to see things like I donto understand me - which in a sense, is persuasion/manipulation. I often feel like a terrible person for it, but those who love me understand, and are often fascinated with the perceptions of my reality. At times, I’ve felt like a monster too. I’ve held onto details I’ve “deciphered” between the lines to the point of anger. The good news is you’re probably more in your head then you think you are. I highly recommend counseling for these types of things. Sometimes, just the awareness and understanding of what you have turning is all the foundation you need to build up from there. It can also help work out the concerns you have with jealousy and internetbstalking. You have the awareness to change. Take some time to love yourself, then watch the love that flows into your life.

You’re not a monster. You’re not alone.

You will always make mistakes in a relationship. No one is perfect. It is important to remember what’s at stake. The emotional value of a relationship is far too great to risk on insecurity. There is a beautiful freedom in trust. Love yourself, and the rest will come.


#3

Thank you so much for your reply.
The problem is that, some months ago, I was in a very dark place and I started cutting myself. This girl noticed and thought that I did it because she had rejected me (we were friends but I had already asked her out). It was not because of her, yet I initially did not tell her what they were about because it would have been a stupid way to try to get close to her. A few months later we had an “argument” after which we haven’t spoken for about a month and a half. After that, she contacted me again, saying that she was feeling crap because she had lost another friend and she didn’t know what to do. Basically she is a very caring and friendly girl, and she was scared that guys were only misinterpreting those attentions for sexual interest. I am not sure as to why she asked me, but I felt a responsibility so I told her the whole truth about the cuts and about my suicidal thoughts, which were the result of insecurities with girls (plus other things) which had led me to never having a girlfriend nor sex which led me to misinterpreting her signals. After that we got closer again, but then another trouble about involving my jealousy and the internet stalking happened and we had another argument. I am 100% sure now that she thinks I manipulated her into having mercy for me by telling my story about suicide. I am devastated because I tell myself that I didn’t do it for that reason, but I have the feeling that there is a dark side of me that is so twisted that made me do that just to get close to her. That’s why I am scared of myself, I feel like a monster wearing a nice guy’s clothes.


#4

Your relationship with her was best when your communication was at its strongest. Honesty is revealing. When you offer someone a deeper connection with your soul, it’s scary and intoxicating. That’s the chemical reaction in your brain bonding with someone. It can be so intense and out of control that we start to channel fear - and that’s where the jealousy, misinformation, and the deception can show its ugly face. Again, this doesn’t make you a broken monster or even a bad person, this just makes you human.

I don’t mean to get preachy. I’ve been where you are and my intentions are purely to try to share my experiences so you know that you’re not alone.

You don’t grow out of self injury. The first time I cut myself, I was 14. I overheard my mom tell her best friend about it. The advice she received was that this was just a phase I was going through. Years later in counseling, I told gave the same excuse. I hadn’t done it in awhile, maybe I’d grown out of it? My sessions stopped shortly after when the counselor told my mom I didn’t need them, that I was a happy, normal child with normal issues. By the time I was 21, I’d shredded my leg to the point where I could no longer walk without ripping open the scabs on my legs and soaking my pants with blood. Please seek help for cutting. I can’t beg you enough. I don’t wish that sort of torture on anyone. In that sense, you are entirely right about being harder on yourself than you should. Your stories don’t have to be kept as scars. My inbox is always open for help in those situations. You can have my discord and line of you want immediate contact.


#5

Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. Right now I am not physically harming myself again, but my head is an absolute nightmare. I am very confused because the psychologist had told me that for some reason I was a “perfectionist” when it comes to human relationships, and so that I should have not dwelled too much on mistakes. That’s exactly what I tried to do, and this only led me to squander all the hard work I had done to get my friend back (at that point all my hopes of having something more with her had vanished). My brain is doing what the blades aren’t doing yet. I have panic attacks every hour where my brain is first filled with shame and guilt, which is then followed by anger and restlessness, and I don’t seem to find a way to stop this cycle. I can’t sleep and I cry all the time. I haven’t eaten in two days and I don’t have appetite at all.
The truth is that right now she is scared of me and possibly for me as well. The first time I asked her out, she said no and then yes after a few hours. After some time I revealed her that when she initially said no I had thrown my phone against the wall in anger. I somehow thought it was a funny detail to share, I didn’t know I was laying the foundations for a toxic relationship. The relationship with this girl turned into a friendship where we were telling each other everything, the thing is that I had feelings and she didn’t. The second time I asked her out, she obviously said no again and when I came back home I started shouting in my room. Someone heard me and got worried and somehow she got to know about it. Now she clearly thinks that I have anger issues (which I would never direct towards anyone else let’s be clear), and she is obviously trying to protect herself. I am so devastated because she was a great confidant, but anytime I saw her my feelings overcame my reason and I started making stupid mistakes. That’s another reason why I don’t trust myself anymore, I get fixated on things and people and become obsessive and over protective without having any right to do so. I somehow start thinking that I can and have to control the lives of other people, which partially explains the obsession I had wirh social media.


#6

Hi, Belo

I think it’s incredibly brave that you are able to admit, recognize and share what you just did. You are able to face the fact that maybe your jealousy and actions are hurtful for not just you but others. I also think it’s great that you at least seem to have friends that are supportive of you.

It seems that even with that support that you are aware that jealousy is an issue. That’s a major start my friend. To a step towards healing and improvement.

It seems that you also care for how your actions and jealousy effects those around you and that’s another major step. Knowing that you care and feel bad is good.

Jealousy can be a powerful emotion. It can be a dangerous one. Should we allow for it to spiral out of control.

The important thing is that you continue to try to be aware of it and work on it. You know? When you feel jealous emotions coming on, not to feed them and act on it. To try to pull back and bring yourself down from it. Ask yourself what will this accomplish if I say or do X thing. If the answer isn’t a good one. Try to find an alternate way of response. It’ll really help you grow as a person and your relationships, friendship or romantic will thank you for it.

Now, the girl you are currently talking about may need space and may not want to talk to you anymore. Which is understandable in her part. And this is okay. This truly sucks. However, now you know where you can work to improve so the next time you like someone you can maybe handle it differently.

You are human. Like all of us, you make mistakes. Mistakes can be forgiven. They can’t be undone once done but they can be worked on to be better in the future. You don’t deserve to feel worthless. You deserve to help yourself improve so you can be happy! Try to think of it more like that. You deserve improvement. You deserve self care. You deserve self love. So what can you do to improve that and make that happen?

You’re well on the way down the right path already. As I said you recognize where you are struggling.

Just try to remind yourself of how you are going with your thoughts and try to get ahold of them before they spiral to deeply into these negative thoughts. Jealousy doesn’t have to own you.

You got this my friend. I believe in you. And I’m proud of you for sharing something so private and difficult

  • Kitty

#7

Thank you so much for your answer. I’ll reveal what happened so you can assess how toxic of a person I had become. After the girl contacted me again because of the problem she had with the other friend, I got scared and worried for her. She was telling me that she had been crying all day and that she was feeling shame, guilt and self pity. I had just gone through the same for feelings for other reasons, so I got seriously scared. The problem is that once I had mentioned her that I thought she was interested in me because she was being very friendly and caring, I was obviously mistaken but at the time I didn’t know. So, when she told me that she didn’t have any confidence because she felt that she was unwillingly leading guys on, I felt a huge responsibility because I thought I put that thought into her mind. That’s why I shared my story with her. The problem arose when I realised that another friend of ours from our class was interested in her, he had told me and it was obvious. I just warned him that what happened with me had happened with another guy as well, so I thought I was protecting both my friend and her. We are doing a uni course which is going to end in 2 weeks, she is going to fly back on the other side of the planet and she had told me once that she didn’t want to do anything with guys from the course (I knew and I kept asking her out, I know I was absolutely fixated). The guy told me that he wasn’t interested, yet the next day (through stupid Instagram which I just deleted) I found out that they had been together, and same for the next day. That’s where the jealousy came in. I texted the guy asking whether he had lied to me, and this happened when the girl was present, so she clearly got offended. Now she thinks that I have been spreading bad words about her with this other guy which is not true, but there is no way I can prove it now. To conclude, by doing all of this I thought I was going to protect the whole group, it turns out that I was just trying to control her life without any right to do so because of my over protective and possessive nature.
I really appreciate the nice words about self improvement and spotting mistakes, but I just really can’t seem to forgive myself for any of the things I did. The more I go forward, the worse of a person I seem to become. I just feel I entered a spiral where that doesn’t lead me to improvement, it just turns me into a worse and worse person who is only led by feelings rather than reason. i just don’t see why I should deserve a chance at happiness after what I did.


#8

I can definitely see your intentions and why you wanted to speak to him. But I can also see why maybe that might have been over stepping the line and maybe left alone, and why she’d be upset.

However. Like I said. We are all human and we all make mistakes. And we will through out our entire lives. I too in my life have made a lot of hurtful mistakes. And some of those I felt like I didn’t deserve to be forgiven and dwelled in it for many years. It’s easy to feel like we are worthless and undeserving when we do things we are ashamed of.

But, it’s never too late to improve ourselves and how we handle things. That’s where self forgiveness comes in my friend. If you are willing to change and willing to make an effort then you deserve to be forgiven.

It’s in the moment where you are not willing to change how you are. If you are not willing to change and stay stuck in hurtful ways, then forgiveness is harder to be handed out and may be less deserving. I guess it’s something sort of to be earned. We earn it by making efforts. By being sorry. By changing. We can’t change our past but we can control what’s in our future

You are deserving my friend. Just keep focusing on the areas you need to work on and you will over time learn to love and forgive yourself. And maybe later you can help someone else through self forgiveness and share your story in how you came through yours.

We’re all on a journey my friend. Be gentle with yourself


#9

Thanks a lot. I really hope you mean your words. Not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that it is what people have been telling me throughout this whole experience and I just don’t seem to improve, I always fall back on my same mistakes. Everytime I tell myself “I learnt” but then I instantly prove myself wrong. I can’t forgive myself because I brought so much negativity to this person, I feel like I have affected her life for ever. The cuts (which where not about her but they affected her life nonetheless), the screams, the thing about sending signals, I am responsible for everything. She wanted to enjoy a year as a masters student and I turned her experience into a nightmare. I just don’t see why I should deserve the love and the respect of anyone else at this point


#10

Plus this girl is 26, I feel like at this age these kind of things hurt even more


#11

I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it my friend. But as we are strangers I can understand the struggle to trust. It’s fair.

I mean my words. And I genuinely care. Of course what I say is merely just love and care. It’s still on you to do something good with it. It’s on you to make those changes.

I’m just here to offer you support, kindness and compassion. As sometimes we all just need a non judgmental person and friend to help us through our difficult times


#12

I know and I appreciate it. Sometimes though I just feel like I would need someone who does actually judge me otherwise I feel like I am just playing the victim to get people’s affection to then let myself get away with it and not learn anything. I somehow feel the need of a proper punishment, that’s why I constantly think about suicide and self harm.


#13

It’s not judgement you need my friend. You just need to take that awareness you have and put the effort in changing. You don’t need someone else’s opinion in order to make that happen. You can do that.

It’s never easy. You are equipped, as you’ve shown with the knowledge that you need to step forward.

Though, knowing and doing are two different things, so I can understand if you struggle to execute the changes.

So the next question is, what would help you make that change? Therapy maybe? A support group possibly? Maybe some small realistic goals for you to work through to be able to reach the forgiveness and changes that need to be made?

Attitude, perspective and an open mind are all helpful tools to help yourself moving forward. All things that can be hard to master. But it is possible. And you don’t need someone’s judgement first to take them. Just somehow the will power to take them and apply them to yourself and your life

<3


#14

Thank you so much for the support, I really appreciate your words. I will look into therapy again, and see what the way forward is.


#15

Good luck to you my friend. I wish you all of the peace and healing.