I was struggling with this decision for weeks. I was a member in this discord/twitch community since I discovered twitch for me in april this year. In the beginning it was a great place, wonderful helpful supportive people, which I soon considered close friends and family.
Over time the realtionship with the different people got worse. Center of this was another user, to whom I also was close. As soon he became mod though, everything started to change. The dynamics to the group to which I was close changed. Another guy got mod, and I felt soon separated, as they and the channel owners seemed to hang out more alone, and the newly mod changed his behavior towards me, he made clear that he is something better now, and the way he adressed me changed drastically.
This led to some conflicts, in the first he also made clear, that he knows how he triggered me and made clear he will do that again.
And so he did. He knew exactly what is giving me a hard time, and continued to do those small things, that isn’t recognized much by others, but sometimes triggered me into a suicidal mood.
The owners (people I also considered friends) made clear that they unconditionally support his actions, as they said it was a privat conflict between me and him, even forbid me to contact them about that issue again.
I tried to get along with that situation, just to learn to ignore him as good as possible. But the situation with the others got worse from week to week, until they seemed to ignore me too. The friendly contact slowly vanished over time, and it supported my general feelings of being disturbive, unwanted.
I was just another member of a growing community, not a friend to anyone anymore, just someone who posted food and pet pictures now and then, but there was no support on any level any more.
I tried to talk to other users about it, and they said to me that everything was fine, but they didn’t wanted to be pulled into the situation (which was never my intention, I just wanted to understand what was going wrong, and just some emotional support)
I became afraid to participate anywhere. The VC meetings became horrible, after I was mostly just ignored, the “mod” even put me locally on mute, which led to the situation that he always talked when I was trying to talk.
The mod is everywhere, there is no community interaction which is not under his surveillance, and no chat in the discord, which he doesn’t pull to gain attention away from me, when I was trying to participate.
I tried to talk to him to solve the situation, but he ignored me, until an owner even forbid me to contact him, calling it “an unfortunate but privat situation”.
I have talked with others, many people from HS about the situation, and they all eventually gave me the same advice, to leave the community for my own best, as there is no way to resolve this.
I struggled for weeks with this decision, hoping it would get better over time, but it got worse.
Last night there was another situation where I felt ignored, pushed aside, feeling disturbing, without a chance to talk to anyone about that. So I left a message in the main channel, saying good bye and thank you for all, and eventually clicked that “Leave channel” button.
I instally fell into a deep depression, having massive suicidal thoughts, feeling I have failed. I have given up what I considered family, and I hoped one or the other would just have DM’d me saying good bye, or how are u. But that of course didn’t happen.
I have a feeling that everybody is reliefed that I left, as I was the one not fitting in, not accepting the “authority” of the mod and his over-the-edge actions. I tried to, but it made clear to me, that I am just a nothing there, not worthy of that friendship.
I had a crying breakdown after that. I know by logic that it was the right thing to do, after I was suffering there more, as it would have given me support, like it was in the beginning. I know that nobody there was caring about me, caring if I was there or not (in the community and in general)
I have survived the night, even if I think I was never that close to suicide as before. I managed to sleep, having many weird dreams about the peope I left behind, always waking up, sweating.
I got up, got a coffee, still with the wish that only one of that group would reach out for me, just acknowledging that I am real, existing, but knowing better, that this will not happen. I ended to exist for them with the moment I clicked that “leave” button.
It would be similar the moment I finally end it all. I just have to give up that wish that I would count, that I am important for someone, that really someone wants to make sure, I am ok, or is at least worrying a bit about me. I always have to remind others of my existance, and I do not have that energy any more. I just have to accept the facts. And the conclusion that fighting makes no sense for me.