I forgot my purpose

A while ago a broke my finger and dislocated it at the same time. But that’s past the point. I mean, after heart surgery, calf surgery, foot surgery, cracking my head open like an egg, bladder surgery, no one needs to know about this part surgery, yet another heart surgery (in no particular order) I don’t understand. If life keeps throwing injuries at me, that I somehow enjoy, why don’t I get to cause some to? Why should I be clean if I never end up clean as the world around me injures me too? Maybe it’s this place… Every time I come back here, crawling back like my idiot self would, I always get that trigger. So do you understand it? I feel worse coming to the place that is supposed to make me feel better. At least I’m clean (major stuff at least…) but who knows how long until I strike?

Okay sure, I’ll undelete that last post. What’s the worst I can get publicly shamed for?

3 Likes

I’m sorry you’re having such difficulties, and experiencing such pain.

The trigger is telling you that whatever happened in the past will keep on happening from now on. Stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “is that really true?” “Does it have to be true?” What caused it? What can change it? Who can help you?

If you’re an idiot, so am I. I haven’t had the kind of experiences you’ve had, but I’ve had to work myself out of thought and behavior patterns that were really bad for me.

Public shaming? Here? You’ve demonstrated courage, sharing your feelings. That’s admirable. Don’t worry about shaming. Those who would shame you have the credibility of a cockroach.

You forgot your purpose? If it’s that forgettable, maybe it’s time to choose another one. Purpose is always a choice, even if your purpose is to find your purpose. There is no cosmic mandate that you do a particular thing.

There is an overarching purpose, the reason existence exists. The reason: Love seeks to share itself. You might be laying bricks, shoveling shit, be a talented musician, train elephants, or whatever. You might be stuck doing something you’re not particularly good at, but a great deal of growth can come from that.

All human activity, all of the environment, facilitate, call for, or offer a way to share love. If you do a good job of cleaning a toilet, that little bit of integrity is a means, of caring, hence sharing of love. Now you no longer need to feel as though you’re without purpose.

I suspect what I’m saying sounds a bit corny or over the top, but just give the thoughts time to settle. They might revisit you at a time when they can help you.

2 Likes

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I can’t fully imagine your situation or relate to it, and I don’t think there’s anything I can say that would make you feel better or inspire you. But I can say that I sympathize with your frustration, anger, and confusion. It makes complete sense. I hope you find comfort in posting on here and feel like you are understood. You’re cared about and loved, and I am hopeful you can find peace, understanding or understanding in your situation. Even if you don’t, im glad you posted and am glad you’re here

3 Likes

Hey @Swix – thinking of you and sending friendly energy your way. I hope you are well and stay safe. Thank you for your presence and for trying despite the amount of difficulty it represents for you. I know how reaching out can be a struggle in itself and make us spiral into more frustration towards ourselves, I’d not hatred. You will never be shamed for being vulnerable here. You will never be guilted for being you. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes