I get it, I’m ugly

[fiji]

What do I have to do for anybody to say that I’m beautiful?

I get it, I’m ugly.

I’m taller than most people, I’m fat, I look like a dude, I’m a mess, my skin is far from being smooth, my arm is covered in scars, and so much more.

I started to kind of like myself…
I started to accept my hight (I’m not even THAT tall). I started to like my never ending red hair and my weirdly colored, undefinable eyes.

But all of that doesn’t matter when you know nobody sees you as beautiful or will ever find you attractive.

I really love my sister, but I hate her for being beautiful.
Everyone tells her non stop how beautiful she is that it doesn’t matter what she wears or how she cuts your hair, she’ll always be told she’s pretty.

It hurts the most when my mom keeps telling her all that stuff and I’m sitting next to them, and no one even sees me.
Or the time my grandma came up to me to tell me how stunning my sister is and how awesome she looks and kept asking me if I think she’s beautiful.

I already have incredibly low self esteem and I hate myself I’m pretty much every way possible. I’ve been working hard on loving myself, and every time I start feeling a bit better about myself, someone comes and knocks it all down.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never lose the weight, and I’m really trying. I’ve accepted that no one will ever love and that I’ll be invisible forever.
I mean, not even my own family sees me or notices when I’m there or not.

I guess that just shows how unnecessary I am and how much of a visual pollution I am.

If I weren’t here, it wouldn’t even make a difference. Just leaving this planet would be the only solution.
I don’t want to live here anymore.
Scratch that, I don’t want to live anymore.
I don’t want to be alive in a world where I’ll never fit in and where I’ll always be not good enough.
I really fucking hate myself. I should just die.

[william]

@fiji we see you. We see you right here, right now. And we are happy that you are here. No matter what, you will always belong, always be loved, and will always fit in here. I understand that I may just be somebody online, but I truly mean it when I say that you are noticed, and you are heard. Perhaps not by your family, or your colleagues, but you are here right now. You being here makes a difference, for the better. There is no better solution than you being here in this world, no matter what you may endure, you will be thankful for every day that you have. Live for the small things… if you cannot see beauty in yourself, look outwards. Seek out natural beauty. Adventure and explore, and find what beauty truly means. Once you do that, you will find the beauty that has been inside of you the entire time.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Nothing lasts forever, no matter how beautiful you perceive yourself to be. These feelings that push you down, that consume you, that darken your life… they are temporary. You are stronger than them. You have made it this far, and have gone through so much pain. Please do not give up. You can do this.

Stay strong
-William Pedersen

[LiveResponse]

From: Ash (Discord)

I am so sorry that not only does your family make you feel less than because your sister is beautiful but they compare you. I have always struggled with my family doing something similar to this. My own parents would say that hey this sibling is better at this or that. It would tear me dcwn and each time it felt like a bandage was ripping off of me. I had to learn that what others say and do doesnt deminish the value I have. Your value is based on what you see not others. I know that is hard because you constantly hear words of negative and that you mind is telling you other wise. But I want to say this find people from here that are able and willing to remind you each and every day that you are valueless no matter how you look or what you can or cant do. You are super important and loved. There is someone out there for you. There is someone that will love you as you are. I have held for the longest time that no one would love me because I am broken due to disabilities. But in reality I have found someone and they accept me as I am all of me. It took years but it worked out. I know that scars suck and that people choose to define what should be considered beautiful but there are many out there that it isnt about what is on the outside but what is in the heart. Continue to remember that your definition of yourself is what defines you. Perhaps join a group or so on line or in person of others that are into stuff you are. Another idea is a board or a specific place that you can do a daily affermation for yourself. My friend once did it where she had everyday to write one thing she loved about herself. So consider those things. Considering finding people who will help with that.

[HSYouTubeTeam]

Hey fiji,
AmandaRuthArt responded to your topic live on YouTube!

"I'm Really Trying"

[LiveResponse]

From: Ashley- (Discord)

It takes A LOT to feel comfortable in your own skin especially when the entire world is telling you how you should be or what you should be like. It wasn’t my family but a lot of my classmates and “friends” said some of the same things to me when I was in middle school because i “looked like a boy” and while everyone was out going on first dates, I was at home by myself living in my head because I hated living in the world where I was. One thing that’s helped me is trying every day to name at least one thing I love about myself. My therapist made me do it shortly after I started seeing her because my own self image was in the trash. And it was hard at first, I absolutely hated it because I was so used to sticking and staying in what everyone else had said about me that I couldn’t imagine me being anything else. So I started off small. “I really like my eyes,” or “I really like how I look in this dress.” and those are things no one can take away from me. No matter what anyone says, when i look in the mirror I KNOW I look good in the dress or I KNOW my eyes are really pretty. People’s words hurt so you have to use your own words to make a shield against theirs. I hope this was helpful to you. You’re loved.

[fiji]

Thank you.
There are many more things for why I don’t want to exist, but this is one.
I accepted that I won’t her compliments, and that’s okay, I guess.

(My perfect sister also has pcos)