I relapsed in my self harm on Saturday and let everyone I love down. I feel like I’ve driven everyone I had in my corner away and now I’m just left with no one to go too. I’ve been trying so hard to get out of this rut, including opening up 100% to my group therapy, it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. This is a whole new level of rock bottom since I got clean. I mean, I made a fucking suicide plan for the first time in years. I was told to rip it up pretty much straight away, which I did, however it felt like in that moment, the only safety net I had to fall back on had been taken away.
I’m giving up trying to express how much I’m truly hurting at this point, no one seems to understand. I try and reach out for help, but most of the time I don’t get a response. I understand some of those people have families and commitments, but to see others getting replies from even 1 of the 5 or 6 people I reached out too hurts so much. Everyone said at the start of this downward spiral “pray around it, God will hear you, He wants to help you”. I am praying. Everyday, multiple times a day, more than ever… Yet each day keeps getting worse and I have no more hope.
I don’t know what to do anymore. The only way I can describe this pain is that of losing someone you love. Remember back to a point where you had the news someone you loved very much had died… Remember when that new hit you and the pain you felt was so extreme, it felt like it would never get better. THAT is how much pain I’m in, every single day. I’m exhausted, alone and desperate.
I’m listening, and I know how bad it sucks to feel like you’re the only person in the world and that nobody cares about you or wants to know the real you. Almost like it’s impossible to know who you are or what your purpose is, but through these insanely dark times, there’s always a hope for change. And one day all these thoughts and feelings you have now can be clouded by happiness. I feel like it’s always so easy to remember being in emotional pain because our minds tend to focus on the negative, but it won’t always be this bad. You will get through this
I’m someone that used to self harm a long time ago. Recovering from self harm is hard and has many similarities with overcoming an addiction. Don’t hate yourself for relapsing, hating yourself for it will only make you want to do it more.
I don’t know where you are in the world but I personally found this leaflet very helpful.
It’s okay. Show yourself grace, mercy, forgive yourself and love yourself also. You will overcome this. I believe in you. So does HeartSupport. Don’t give up. We do listen to you. You have to give your loved ones a chance to listen to you. I hope you will feel better. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you.
Hi Kayla, I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting in such a way and thank you for being honest.
Please know that you have not let anyone down. No one who cares about you is going to abandon you because of a relapse, and I’m sorry that it happened but you know that these will occur in your recovery. You need to give yourself some grace here, it sounds like you’re putting an exorbitant amount of pressure on yourself to do something quickly that takes a long amount of time. Look at how much you’ve grown over the past year! And now you’re opening up in your group therapy, you’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
One thing that I’ve had to learn over the past year is that it’s important to remind ourselves that even though our loved ones and support system may not always be available, that doesn’t mean they don’t care that you are hurting. I’m glad that you reached out on the Support Wall when you weren’t able to get a response from others, please remember that this is always a place to be seen and heard.
You have every tool and resource you need to make it through this. Hang in there Kayla, I believe in you. Hold fast!
Who have you lost that you love? I lost my dad to cancer when I was 15, its a hard thing to go through. I noticed in what you said, you said how sad and upset you were but never said why. Whats going on? You said no one listens, that’s why we’re here. Whats going wrong?
I love you very much, Kayla. I think anything I could say now I’ve told you a lot of times. You know. I’m here if you need a space to talk down from when you get stuck in a bad place. I care for you. You mean a lot to me. I hear you. I see you. I listen and I will listen.
