I relapsed in my self harm on Saturday and let everyone I love down. I feel like I’ve driven everyone I had in my corner away and now I’m just left with no one to go too. I’ve been trying so hard to get out of this rut, including opening up 100% to my group therapy, it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. This is a whole new level of rock bottom since I got clean. I mean, I made a fucking suicide plan for the first time in years. I was told to rip it up pretty much straight away, which I did, however it felt like in that moment, the only safety net I had to fall back on had been taken away.
I’m giving up trying to express how much I’m truly hurting at this point, no one seems to understand. I try and reach out for help, but most of the time I don’t get a response. I understand some of those people have families and commitments, but to see others getting replies from even 1 of the 5 or 6 people I reached out too hurts so much. Everyone said at the start of this downward spiral “pray around it, God will hear you, He wants to help you”. I am praying. Everyday, multiple times a day, more than ever… Yet each day keeps getting worse and I have no more hope.
I don’t know what to do anymore. The only way I can describe this pain is that of losing someone you love. Remember back to a point where you had the news someone you loved very much had died… Remember when that new hit you and the pain you felt was so extreme, it felt like it would never get better. THAT is how much pain I’m in, every single day. I’m exhausted, alone and desperate.
Someone please help me. ANYONE.