I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here. I guess I’m looking for reasons to live.
I have for a long time felt this pressure on my heart that I never really could describe and I got help for it, or I’m currently getting help for it. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t hate myself or was actually feeling “okay” in any way.
In my school years I got teased a lot for being bigger than other kids and got very insecure like everyone has at least one time in their lives experienced.
So I got more and more teased and the other students didn’t wanna be around me and was often left out. My teachers didn’t do anything, I told my parents I was getting picked on at school but they didn’t care either and just told me to get over it.
As the years go I went to a psychologist and got diagnosed with severe depression at the age of 11. As time went by I got introduced to self-harming that developed into an addiction. And I keep doing it til’ this day. I never showed or told anyone about it.
I still go to a psychologist at the age of 15 and got diagnosed with social anxiety, ADD, Aspergers and severe depression and got antidepressants. As I had not learned to control my emotions or express them I just sat in the room with my mother and the psychologist and they ask me if I’m okay after I’ve got to know that I have these diagnoses, and I straight up said yes, I’m fine, and we went home.
I was definitely not fine, at all. I wanted to cry my eyes out but couldn’t, and never did.
I got friends over internet that I chatted with everyday and eventually met up and they were the most kind and awesome people that I’ve ever met and they’re still my best friends to this day.
But, even though I got my friends who I can tell everything too, who am I to them? have I recently started to ask myself. They got other friends in real life and of course they’d wanna be with them too. I’m not jealous, I’m glad for them.
But it also reminds me of how useless I am to them, to everyone I know.
I’ve tried a couple times to take my own life but it’s now that I really feel like my existence isn’t worth anything. Not only because I don’t have any friends, but that I really hate myself for being me, for being born. I hate my body, I hate the way I speak, I hate myself so much that I cannot bear it anymore. I hate myself so damn much I just wanna cry the life out of me. I don’t live for anything, there’s nothing holding me back really.
I’m sorry for my terrible english as I’m not a native speaker.
I’m sorry to everyone whose life I made miserable for being alive and breathing.
I’m sorry for wasting your time if there’s anyone reading this and I wish you a happy life as mine end here.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry for taking up whoever read this time