I got hurt again

Okay so, I haven’t updated in a long while. Me and Coconut stopped being friends, and no matter how dear she is to me, I’m not going to force her to take me back. Last time, that completely ruined me. School hasn’t started yet of course, but I don’t think she matters to me as much as she did before. She would exhaust me. I felt like I was constantly hurting her, so I suppose it was toxic. But it’s alright, she’ll get better, and we’ll forget about each other. And, Pineapple and I also broke up. She was keeping things from me, claimed I was keeping things from her, and the breakup was rough. But I’ve learned that she’s just going through a rough patch, so I’ll be there if she wants me to be. She’s not a priority to me, of course. But if she needs help, she needs help. And… I found someone I love more intensely. Let’s call him Dahlia, his favorite flower. He’s so pretty to me. He makes me really happy. And I got this comforting feeling when I spoke with him. I just… instantly fell in love with him. Deeply, too. He said, “I love you,” first. I asked him out though. It was only… two weeks. I thought everything was fine. He was planning to move nearby me so we could go to the same school. I got so happy then. I was looking forward to it ever since he’d told me. Then… he started acting a little off. He would be dry sometimes. And I know at times I’m paranoid, but he didn’t mind reassuring me before. He started to seem more irritated with me. So, I stopped asking what was wrong. I simply asked if he was okay. He would always ask if I was okay after I asked him. He stopped doing that too. I would tell him I loved him. He’d usually repeat after me, but he stopped doing that too. He became more invested in a game than conversing with me. Sometimes he’d even tune me out while we called and I talked to him. I felt… lonely. Unloved. I was gonna talk it out with him. But I chickened out. I was just waiting for the right time, since it all felt weird. But then one night, Pineapple and my online friend Bennie got in an argument. Pineapple had vented about it and I saw it. I told Bennie about it, and he told me that he wasn’t mad at her, neither was he blaming her for anything. I communicated that with Pineapple, and got her to calm down. She told me she’d been having romantic dreams about Bennie, but they didn’t mean anything. So I got her to write a paragraph to Bennie about it. I ended up venting to her a little about Dahlia not being able to move near me, and how disappointed I was. The following morning, Dahlia texted me about it. He asked why Pineapple had texting him, telling him to make me have a wonderful day. Then he also asked about me unblocking Pineapple. I explained the situation to him, and was willing to provide evidence in case he didn’t completely trust me. I guess I sort of explained it in a weird way? He didn’t seem to understand. Our last texts were this.

(him) “You said, “I told her that he wasn’t mad” You said you did an action which was telling her he wasn’t mad”
(me) “Sorry I was doing my hair rq. Yea I asked him last night, he said he wasn’t mad.”
(him) “But you said you told her that he wasn’t, and she said that she doesn’t know. Which says you didn’t tell her.”
(me) “I did… :skull:

Then, I didn’t get a response. I figured he was busy playing his game or sleeping. Later, I got a text from my friend. Let’s call her Milk. Milk told me to check all the group chats. Turns out, Dahlia had left all of them. I tried texting him about it, but he’d blocked me on everything. I waited for our mutual friend, Pipi, to call or text him. Dahlia didn’t answer. Pipi ended up making a group chat with him and I and herself. Turns out, he just didn’t wanna confront me about the breakup. He phrased it so insensitively though. I thought I’d broken his trust by talking to Pineapple, but apparently not. He just… grew tired of me I guess? Even though it was only a couple weeks. And it really sucks, because I was starting to open up more to him. I still love him so much. We only broke up yesterday, but it hurts so much not being able to text him my usual good morning and goodnight texts. Not being able to call and say whatever I want to him without fear of my parents hearing when we’re both home alone. Not being able to look at his pretty face. Not being able to fantasize about actually being able to hold him and be with him physically. Not being able to see him acting all sleepy. Not being able to hear his voice. I miss him so much. I relapsed last night. I feel like it’s too much for me. But I know I have the school year to look forward to. The schoolwork will distract me. So will my friends. I can make new friends. Maybe, once I’m over him, I might find another love interest. I doubt it though, he’s so perfect. Maybe I’m just blinded because I love him so much. But he told me something that really hurt me. He never believed a thing I said. Not a single ‘I love you’, since it wasn’t “proven”. Not proven? Me risking my ass getting in trouble every night wasn’t enough. Me allowing myself to be vulnerable with him and wanting to listen to whatever he wants to open up or talk about wasn’t enough. Me staying up so late just so I can sleep at the same time as him wasn’t enough. My constant check-ups on him weren’t enough. The playlist I made him wasn’t enough. The gift I was making him, although he didn’t know what it was, wasn’t enough. Nothing I did proved it to him, because his main love language is physical affection. I understand that. Mine is too. I would write him paragraphs to try and give him a glimpse of how much I loved him since we were somewhat long distance. I still love him, but I shouldn’t. He wants to stay friends. But I don’t know if I can stay friends with someone like him.

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I’m really sorry to hear about everything you’ve been going through. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of emotional upheaval lately, and that can be incredibly challenging to navigate. I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel hurt, confused, and even overwhelmed by all of this. The first thing I thought when I read your comment “I got hurt again” was “Wow that means you’re resilient and risked again” which is awesome. So many people don’t risk in love or affection after they have been hurt. I think it’s ok to keep going but also learn along the way. I have learned that risking without knowing my boundaries is where I tend to keep getting hurt more but having boundaries without being willing to risk just leaves me sad and lonely.

Ending a friendship with someone who was dear to you, like Coconut, is tough. It’s understandable that you don’t want to force her to take you back, especially after how it affected you last time. Relationships can sometimes become toxic without either person intending for them to be, and it sounds like you’re recognizing that and making choices to protect your well-being. That’s a strong and mature decision.

Then there’s Pineapple. Breakups are never easy, especially when there’s a sense of betrayal or misunderstanding involved. It’s kind of you to still want to be there for her even though she’s not a priority in your life right now. It shows that you care about her well-being despite everything that happened between you two. It’s also a testament to your empathy and kindness.

Finding someone new, like Dahlia, can feel like a fresh start, especially when you fall deeply in love so quickly. It’s clear how much he means to you and how happy he made you. When someone starts to change, becoming distant and less communicative, it’s natural to feel lonely and confused. Your instincts to ask if he was okay were good, but it’s also understandable why you felt hesitant to push further.

The incident with Pineapple and Bennie added another layer of complexity. Trying to mediate between friends while dealing with your own relationship issues is a heavy burden. When Dahlia began to question your explanations, it seems like things quickly spiraled out of control. The way he ended things—by blocking you without a direct conversation—was incredibly hurtful and unfair. You deserved a proper conversation and closure.

It’s heartbreaking to hear how much you miss him and all the little things that made your relationship special. Losing that connection, especially so abruptly, can feel like a part of your life is missing. The pain of not being able to send those good morning and goodnight texts, of not hearing his voice or seeing his face, is very real. It’s normal to grieve these losses and feel the way you do.

Despite everything, it’s promising to hear you’re looking ahead to the school year. Distractions like schoolwork and friends can help, but it’s important to allow yourself time to heal too. It’s okay to feel this pain and to take time to get over him. Loving someone intensely and then losing them is a big deal, and your feelings reflect that.

Remember, you don’t have to rush into finding someone new or force yourself to move on before you’re ready. It’s okay to miss him and to feel hurt by his actions. Over time, you’ll find clarity and healing. Whether or not you decide to remain friends with him is up to you and what feels right for your emotional health.

You’re strong for sharing your story and for continuing to push forward despite the pain. Take things one day at a time, and know that it’s okay to seek support from those around you. You deserve kindness and understanding, especially from yourself. Hang in there, you’ve got this.