This is stupid… Well it is… I think i should start from the beginning. Recently I have gotten better. My depression has gotten much better thanks to the higher dosage of antidepressants. Everything seems to be going fine. Well, things are more or less going fine. I am more stable then I used to. I am more confident. By all means I got better and i am grateful for that… But… Why does it feel so empty. I feel empty. I am still unmotivated. I am studying and it is interesting but my motivation to do so is… not the best. I try to do meaningful stuff like replying here and be active in a swat team but after that I still dont feel like I have any meaning. I am passive. When i want to do something I imagine myself doing it and then I am like ok now I dont have to try that, I can imagine what it is like.
I am trying to prepare for the entrance exams and I force myself to do it… but it feels off. It feels like I am living a life behind an invisible window. Is this what getting better means? I no longer desire to die but that does not mean I desire to live per say. Why did I suffer in the past? Is this it? Did I get better? Sometimes I feel like hurting myself to feel something or quiting antidepressants. I know those are stupid ideas but they are in my mind. Sometimes I dont feel like this is the real me but some impostor in my place. Life feels very empty and I dont even feel like doing something exciting because most things seem kind of meh. It is this almost prmanent slight depersonalization. Like you are in the first stage of it but it never progresses. It is weird. I know this post is a mess but it is like that sometimes.
glad to hear there’s been progress.
After feeling meh and even bad for so long, it must be a shock to your whole psyche to be feeling this new state of bettering. Bettering I say because it’s always a process going somewhere isn’t it, either up or down. We’re rarely ever in the exact place. Maybe this could just be you getting your training wheels off, and not sure if you really like the new sensation. The old ones? Sure, you’re a champ at those, because you’ve been battling and surviving those for so long.
maybe you’re rediscovering who you could be? As an aside, and a bit of a laugh, motivation and finding the will to study are difficult for many of us too
Not sure what the point of my reply is, except to say I hear you, I see you, and we all love you And we’re here with you as you navigate through these new experiences with ya! good to see your post, as always!
Thank you Sita for the response. I think you made some valid points.
Yep maybe you are right. It certainly is new. And… I don’t know. It is like something has numbed out most of the negativity but didnt leave positivity to replace the negative so you are just kind of there…
I guess that’s a bit of the perks of medications? It brings all these philosophical questions regarding who we are and what are “normal” emotions somehow. When I started my antidepressant, I was full of these questions made of “is this going to unfold who I’ve always been supposed to be?”, “or is it going to make me less myself?”, “is that what “normal” is? Is that what others feel on a daily basis?”. It constantly challenges our perception of what an emotional balance is. And when our own experiences where mostly negative and long-term ones, then it gets hard to not look back and compare to what was before. But was that standard right already? Ugh! Too many questions. So much uncertainty.
What is sure though through all of this, is that you are being proactive and taking great steps there because you allow yourself to experiment and see. You don’t just take meds. You observe how you react and how your emotions are. You regularly check in with yourself.
It would be hard to say what is normal or not. Though two things remain for sure: the need for time to happen and see how things evolve in the long run. What is observed today might be different tomorrow, etc. The second thing is what you want and feel comfortable with compared to what is. All of this takes time. For now, it is completely fine to feel like opening more doors than closing ones. It is, in itself, a good sign. Even an absence of change would be significant and say something.
Keep checking in with yourself (without doing it too obsessively). The more you accumulate these experiences and observations, the more you will find your way. As for now, the way is only forward, even when it is confusing.
You’re doing great. So freaking proud of you and honored to call you my friend. You are a strong inspiration to so many of us here, but without any pressure or specific expectation, of course.
It’s not stupid. Or rather, it feels stupid, but you’re not the only one. When I got on meds that stabilized me last year, I didn’t know who I was without depression. It had been the basis of my identity for so long, it left a vacuum when it was gone. I felt weird. Empty, but not like I was swimming in sludge like I had been so used to. Neutral emotion, but not numb. I kept trying to think of things that made me depressed, and it didn’t work anymore.
I think this is an important conversation. We have this idea that recovering from depression will make everything better all of a sudden, but no one tells you that it takes time. It’s like waking up from a long sleep, or getting moving after a bad car wreck that left you all bruised up. What now? No one tells you how to function when you’re not depressed, and it’s not something you just know.
I’d say, instead of filling your life with “meaningful” things immediately, seek things that bring you healthy joy, and really enjoy them. Learn what it is to be happy, content, appreciative, and grateful. Get used to your newfound stability, and stretch it out slowly. It’s okay that it feels weird, it’s different than you’ve known in a long time.
What I’ve found a year or so into my stability is that life is still hard, but I can handle it. Things didn’t just get easier, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning in daily living. I’m not different, I don’t go meditate in sunny fields of flowers for all of Instagram to see, I still like my downtime and my quiet and going to bed early. What’s different is that things don’t suck quite as much. When it’s time for me to take a break or shed some responsibility, I don’t feel bad about it anymore. The things I mess up aren’t monumental failures, they’re just things I’ll fix later or get right next time. There are still times I get overwhelmed, but I now know it’s not a fundamental character flaw.
Major depression comes and goes. You will get the right meds and feel better for a while, then the meds will need adjusting but you won’t realize until you’re down in that dark hole again. It’s an endless cycle in my opinion. I go thru times in my life where it’s hard to even function and times where I’m on top of the world.
Chronic emptiness is something I deal with pretty much 24/7 and I use my maladaptive coping skills like binge eating, self harm, drugs, sex, and spending just to feel something… anything. I try to “fill” myself with other people or things to distract myself from this horrible empty black hole inside my soul. Deep down, I know these ways of coping are not good and they won’t work.
Chronic emptiness (actual bpd trait) doesn’t just go away with meds, it takes lots of therapy and work. You can try Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which was developed for people with borderline personality disorder, but is being used now to treat other disorders. DBT focuses on helping you find a sense of purpose and accomplishment. I haven’t started this yet.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy and other types of talk therapy are also good for figuring out the cause of the emptiness. That could take a very long time.
So, yeah meds aren’t going to cure emptiness. Diagnosed major depression doesn’t go away as far as my life can tell. I hope it does for you and I hope you find a solution for emptiness.
Yes that is the question I have been asking myself quite a lot. Is this me or am I under the influence of the meds? Its hard to say. I guess i might never really find out who was i supposed to be if i didnt have depression. It is ether depressed me or iills me I guess but that is fine. I am ok with that more or less. Its more of a question which one of those two is closer to the real me and which one sees the reality more clearly.
I think I have been doing that for some time now. Probably the last few years. Its just the way I am i guess. I have talked about this with my therapist and they have said that the change might be seasonal. That I have good and bad seasons and it is not just the meds. There might be some truth to it.
Thank you so much. I am very honored to call you my friend too .
I agree. It is very weird. Like when you cut yor finger and you dont feel the pain. On one hand you are glad on the other it feels weird.
It certainly is new. It does not feel like my depression is gone, it feels like it is surpressed. One would expect that I would be grateful for that and I am bit i am also not at the same time. It is weird. It is like remembering that life without depression is not a happy life, it is just a life without depression.
That is the problem. The anhedonic part of depression stays. I still have problem enjoying things. That is why I like to do the things that have some sort of meaning behind them.
Yep sometimes it is like that. It can also be seasonal.
I am sorry to hear that, I know how that feels. I have felt similarly many times before. Sometimes I just want to hurt myself to feel. I contain myself though.
I know it always takes time. After a while you get sick of hearing that phrase. It just so… ahhhh
Nope it is ok. I have thought of many of the things you mentioned