I guess no more mom

[Verona2900]

Just trying to make sense of things. Maybe even feeling like I need to justify myself… and I took a pill and I might get foggy in my thoughts soon.

I spent my whole life without her while she stood beside me. If that makes any sense. Out of everyone I ever met, my mother has insulted me the most. In every way. Personality, life choices, physique, even napkins. She gives me hell for napkins. Over at her place and I misplaced them and it ruined her whole day. She gave me hell, me… her adult daughter for napkins. My father and I have nothing in common: he’s a left and I am a right. He’s against women being in the police while I am protesting to remove taxes on women’s sanitary products. He’s extremely religious, I border atheisms and spirituality… which I don’t dare to tell him. Get the big difference? Yet we can talk, agree on things, like weather and how nice the garden is. We can be civil. If I call for help, he’ll help, then send me to hell but he will help. My mother on the other hand has been a completely different case, we supposedly agree on certain things but she changes every time and tells different people different opinions. We used to argue… now we don’t really anymore… it’s basically just her getting mad and throwing insults at me. I do things for my dad, help out and he says: hey thanks. Then lectures me. Okay sure. I do something for my mom, help out and she says: stop thinking you can win me over!.. You ARE my mother your supposed to be over here. I have defended her in every argument she’s had with her sisters or their neighbors… even when I KNEW she was wrong. And yet when I was a child and broke my leg she walked away from me, telling me she’ll wait at the end of the street for the ambulance. Meanwhile I was terrified, being in the middle of the street that a car would hit me. She said: she doesn’t like to see so much suffering. I was seven, trying to drag my body and flopping leg off the street to the sidewalk. Got lost in the woods twice at camping trying to find the " secret river" ( long story) once my dad came to get me and the second time when he was away at work for the weekend, my mother never came to get me. Instead I showed up back at home in the early hours. Forget about my teens. I was out until 4 am. That’s a whole other story.
But today she was spitting venom again, because I had broken up with my ex- Lovely break up : he wanted kids and I didn’t, we parted as friends and adults. But she went after me: no one loves you, you could have thought about it, wish you could get knocked up so we can do things right this time… and so on. And finally, after taking a few sips of my coffee I said in the most calm manner: I don’t know why your still in my life. What purpose do you actually serve? … I guess you can say I was thinking out loud.
The.shit.hit.the.fan. And it was not pretty. She left, blocked me on all social media, told my dad not to talk to me ( he called and asked what did I do) and then my aunt called me and asked me why I spat on my mom and told her to leave my life.
And I’m sitting here, wondering… what the hell??? She literally told people not to talk to me and tell my aunt I spat on her? And blocked me. Because I said that ONE thing.

I should feel bad. But I don’t. And I feel bad that I don’t. But I realized today ( because yes this was all in one day) How much I really don’t have any feelings for her. I surprised myself. And I do wonder, maybe that means there is some truth to me being everything she ever called me. Maybe my state is just simply being a monster.
Something to think about.

[SheetMetalHead]

First off, it pains me to hear that your mother said and continues to say such awful, hurtful things. I would be upset if anyone at all said those things to me. If my mother said things like that to me, I’d be devastated; but then I guess that’s what you’ve become accustomed to, and know to expect nothing else from her.

I think this post is an open breakup letter to your mom, as well as a love letter to yourself. Your writing makes it pretty clear, to me at least, that you know your state is not simply being the monster. As I was reading this, I didn’t hear anything irrational or overexcited to indicate that you’re letting your emotions exacerbate what happened. I’m reading a very mature rationale for a very, very hard decision that would otherwise be painful if it wasn’t called for.

I’m flabbergasted that she said she wished you’d get knocked up so “we” (she?) can do things right this time. It is NOT your responsibility to give your mother a second chance to parent with a child that’s ultimately your responsibility. She could have taken her second chance at any time by being a good adult peer and mentor to you, but she chose to continue degrading and dismissing you instead, even regarding the topic of second chances. How unbelievably twisted!

I understand feeling bad that you don’t feel worse. It appears that ties are severed with who should be one of the most important people in your life. I think it’s telling that you don’t feel bad though. I’m not reading spite and vitriol, I’m reading rational self-reflection here.

As a family man, I believe the door should always be open for reconciliation. However, I also believe that you need to take care of yourself first, and if your family is unwilling to reconcile, then there’s no door to walk through. It seems clear to me that your mom thinks she’s done no wrong, or that she’s done everything wrong and sees you as the end result. Either way, it doesn’t sound like she wants to try to make things right with you, and you can’t make things right for both of you. Maybe one day she’ll realize she made a mistake, and she’ll come to you to make amends. Until then, a relationship is impossible because she puts nothing into it.

I’m glad to hear that you seem to be at peace with the way things have gone. I hope you can tell your side of the story to everyone who thinks you’re out of line, and that you’re truly heard. I hope you can heal and start living according to what you know to be true about yourself, and not as someone who messed up napkins. I hope you realize that you’re not a monster, but a person with needs that she not only wasn’t meeting, but was actively tearing down. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.

[Verona2900]

Thanks for the kind words. She’ll eventually show up at my house with an apple pie or cake. Last time it was an upside down pineapple one. And just pretend nothing ever happened. And I don’t have it in me to turn down any olive branches even if there’s a snake wrapped around it. And so the circle continues. The problem with not demanding myself to put up a perfect face or trying to do everything perfect and not blaming anyone for anything. Eventually I’m starting to seriously consider just living like a hermit. The less I am demanding of myself and the world, the less I want part of it. If that makes sense. I think I would be totally fine if I just poofed out of everyone’s life and keep maybe one friend. And just leave, never look back. Nothing. And probably live alone forever haha.
Its as if the more I take care of myself the more I feel desensitized from others. If that makes sense. Oh well. We can’t all be good people. But we can all pretend to be good people eh!