Just trying to make sense of things. Maybe even feeling like I need to justify myself… and I took a pill and I might get foggy in my thoughts soon.
I spent my whole life without her while she stood beside me. If that makes any sense. Out of everyone I ever met, my mother has insulted me the most. In every way. Personality, life choices, physique, even napkins. She gives me hell for napkins. Over at her place and I misplaced them and it ruined her whole day. She gave me hell, me… her adult daughter for napkins. My father and I have nothing in common: he’s a left and I am a right. He’s against women being in the police while I am protesting to remove taxes on women’s sanitary products. He’s extremely religious, I border atheisms and spirituality… which I don’t dare to tell him. Get the big difference? Yet we can talk, agree on things, like weather and how nice the garden is. We can be civil. If I call for help, he’ll help, then send me to hell but he will help. My mother on the other hand has been a completely different case, we supposedly agree on certain things but she changes every time and tells different people different opinions. We used to argue… now we don’t really anymore… it’s basically just her getting mad and throwing insults at me. I do things for my dad, help out and he says: hey thanks. Then lectures me. Okay sure. I do something for my mom, help out and she says: stop thinking you can win me over!.. You ARE my mother your supposed to be over here. I have defended her in every argument she’s had with her sisters or their neighbors… even when I KNEW she was wrong. And yet when I was a child and broke my leg she walked away from me, telling me she’ll wait at the end of the street for the ambulance. Meanwhile I was terrified, being in the middle of the street that a car would hit me. She said: she doesn’t like to see so much suffering. I was seven, trying to drag my body and flopping leg off the street to the sidewalk. Got lost in the woods twice at camping trying to find the " secret river" ( long story) once my dad came to get me and the second time when he was away at work for the weekend, my mother never came to get me. Instead I showed up back at home in the early hours. Forget about my teens. I was out until 4 am. That’s a whole other story.
But today she was spitting venom again, because I had broken up with my ex- Lovely break up : he wanted kids and I didn’t, we parted as friends and adults. But she went after me: no one loves you, you could have thought about it, wish you could get knocked up so we can do things right this time… and so on. And finally, after taking a few sips of my coffee I said in the most calm manner: I don’t know why your still in my life. What purpose do you actually serve? … I guess you can say I was thinking out loud.
The.shit.hit.the.fan. And it was not pretty. She left, blocked me on all social media, told my dad not to talk to me ( he called and asked what did I do) and then my aunt called me and asked me why I spat on my mom and told her to leave my life.
And I’m sitting here, wondering… what the hell??? She literally told people not to talk to me and tell my aunt I spat on her? And blocked me. Because I said that ONE thing.
I should feel bad. But I don’t. And I feel bad that I don’t. But I realized today ( because yes this was all in one day) How much I really don’t have any feelings for her. I surprised myself. And I do wonder, maybe that means there is some truth to me being everything she ever called me. Maybe my state is just simply being a monster.
Something to think about.