I had a break down

Tonight I went to a bar with my brother and his friends
I go out now wearing a trans pride beanie cuz It makes me feel more confident and one of his friends called it a cancer bandana and then my brother ended up telling me that I try only the bear minimum in life and then a few minutes ago I just broke down crying I’m not trying the bear minimum I’m fucking scared of alot of shit i live in fear constantly I want my dad back my family dosent understand how fucked up his death made my head I have flash backs I feel mortified about everything I do outside the house I can’t hold a job cuz I hallucinate my own death all day and then can’t relax at home I just I can’t be a functional person in society I just can’t they all think I’m being lazy and I’m not I’m just broken

5 Likes

Hi Derpplup
I know that it must feel terrible to hear those words. To see that people dont understand what you are going through. To bear that pain alone. Please know that you are not lazy you are in a great pain and everyone who thinks that you are lazy is an idiot. Your brother acted like an idiot. Instead of supporting you her was just being a prick. Have you been taking any medication for the hallucinations. I know it is only a part of a bigger problem but they are a problem. Getting help that truly helps you is important. Have you also tried telling your brother how you feel and that he is hurting you. Maybe if you told him that he is being hurtful and not helpful at all, he would try to change. I hope things will get better for you soon Derpplub. Hang in there :heart:

1 Like

No I haven’t taken meds for them the hallucinations are only there when under great amounts of stress i.e. working everyday and worrying non stop about doing a good job to not get fired everyday and then coming home and worrying about not getting chores done in time and getting yelled at I have told my brother and he just dosent get it I live with “invisible” disabilities he tends to forget I struggle constantly all day everyday not just with mental health but with like feeling safe and accepted when I was having the hallucinations at work before I quit and I told him he recommended I go to a psych ward for a while

2 Likes

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Derpplup, I’m so sorry that you’re not being validated by your family and that you miss your father so much. I know you’ve tried to get disability, I was just wondering where that stands. I know you have to meet a certain criteria for your diagnosis and have doctors and lawyers involved, but it’s worth another try. You matter! ~Mystrose

3 Likes

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, thank you for posting, I am so sorry that your brother and his friend were so mean to you, you didnt deserve that. I am glad you have your trans pride beanie and im glad it is giving you confidence, please dont let them take that confidence from you. Wear that beanie wherever you want and whenever you want. The loss of your dad must have been the hardest thing you have ever had to cope with and my heart breaks for you, I cannot imagine what that was like and your grief is still going to be raw from that, it is a long process learning to live with losing someone you love so dearly. I hope that you have had help with that? I do understand however what its like to be accused of not trying hard enough when every ounce of you is doing your best at a time when every thought and every action is exhausting. I am proud of each little accomplishment that you have made and your dad would be too. Take the time you need, take care of yourself and look after yourself. You are important and so very special. Much Love Lisalovesfeather x

3 Likes

Hello there,

I am so sorry that you are going through so many things all at the same time. I know what it likes to lose your dad to something difficult to process. Grief never truly goes away, it comes in & out like the tide. There are days when we can live life & then there are days when it overwhelms more than we can bear. It has been nine years since my dad passed away & I still think about him. Every year, I try to remember good, fun memories.

Take it day by day. Give yourself grace. Be kind to yourself. Find moments of peace. Your feelings are valid & they are not any less true than anyone else’s emotions.

You are valid. You are worthy. You are enough. You are loved. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

2 Likes

From: your pal, Rick

Hey @Derpplup, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. You’re in the right place to talk about this, we see you and we accept you.

It’s a horrible thing to be told that you’re lazy when we all know that you’re fighting such terrible battles inside every day. That resonates with me, I and many people I know have been told that the things we’re struggling with aren’t so bad, aren’t even real, that they’re our fault, etc. I know you can relate to that and it breaks my heart, it’s just unfair, inaccurate, and cruel. The truth is that they have no idea what you’re living with inside, and they have no right to tell you who you are. Invisible disabilities are every bit as real.

I’m not sure if you’ve spoken about this before, but have you spoken to a psychiatrist about any of this? I ask because that was the thing that helped me most in my journey with problems like this. It’s a step I wish I had have taken years ago and it’s one that I think would benefit you a lot if you haven’t done so already. You deserve the support, there’s no doubt about that. Your brother might not understand but a professional will, and they’ll be able to help you.

For right now, I hope you’re doing your best to be kind to yourself. You deserve love and care, especially when you’re in a vulnerable place. You’ll always get that from us here but it’s also okay to offer it to yourself as well. <3

3 Likes

From: twixremix

hey derpplup,

so thankful to hear from you again, my friend. i appreciate you for posting this update and knowing that this community will always have your back. my heart hurts to hear the pain you’re going through and the treatment you receive from those around you. i bet your trans pride beanie looks cool! it just sucks that people either don’t understand or want to spread more hurt than love in this world when they say things like that to you. with your dad’s passing as well, everything just crashed over you. but you’re not lazy. you’re not broken. you’re stronger than they think and if they can’t see that then they’re not looking hard enough. would it help your family be more understanding if they knew the grief you’re facing from your dad’s death? it’s always hard for me to know what my family members are going through since they all usually take it on privately until i ask and we can both be in understanding on their hardships. sending you all my love and comfort, my friend. you’re going through so much and have the world on your shoulders but i believe in you to keep marching forward. your better tomorrow is on the horizon so please take care of your heart in the meantime. please reach out if you need anything, i’m here for you always.

love,
twix

2 Likes

From: Rohini_868

Hi there Derpplup!

My first gut reaction to someone saying “you’re trying the bare minimum” is that that is fine! As long as you keep trying, that is not a bad thing!

I see how much losing your dad hurts you still. Not sure if you’re on HeartSupport’s twitch streams or discord (https://discord.gg/heartsupport), but there is a new Community focus group for persons whose lives were touched by cancer. This may be something that could benefit you, maybe, as it’s a part of HS community with persons who have experienced this in their own lives.

3 Likes