Warnings: I talk about losing my pet in this post; swearing
I’ll try and break this down into sections so it’s not too tedious to read. It will likely be long, knowing me. Grab a snack and your favorite drink haha
Today started off pretty negatively. I can pretty much gauge if a day’s gonna be shit by the way I wake up which is both good and bad. Good because I know I should take it easy on myself and not take anything too seriously/make decisions until I feel better. Bad because I have to work extra hard to do everyday tasks without breaking down. I woke up really early and I found out I missed a stream I wanted to catch and was really looking forward to, which my brain has decided was REALLY sad for me. I tried to tell myself it’s fine, I can just watch the next stream, but for a few hours my mind was really fixated on being upset about this. This is a problem that happens to me often: I feel overly upset about something small → I try to tell myself it’s okay, it’s not that bad, there’s an easy solution → I feel like crap about it for way too long.
I went back to sleep and was woken up by my dad who said something along the lines of “Get up and help us so you have something to do”. I was pretty much mostly asleep when I heard this, but I guess my mind was conscious enough to think, “wow he only cares about me doing things if it benefits him”. Idk. I don’t have a close relationship with my dad. I don’t know if he even knows that, or if he’s oblivious to it because I don’t really confide in him much so it’s normal. But basically he doesn’t 100% understand my depression and anxiety. There aren’t many moments where I could tell him about myself without fearing that I will be judged and put down which he has done many times my whole life, hence: poor relationship.
Some context of my relationship with my dad and why my brain started automatically thinking this way about what he said:
When I was younger he would yell at me, call me lazy, may have been physically abusive, treated me like shit when I started dating my now ex… and just a whole bunch of anger-driven, narcissistic words and actions towards me that I’ve internalized. I was never allowed to be angry or sad as a child. I hated having him around when I was a kid and when he moved to work overseas he actually said “you look happy” half-jokingly. I don’t know if I ever responded to that, but I was. I was able to enjoy what was left of my childhood when he left. I learned to draw, I played video games, and grew creatively and discovered my passions. It’s partly selfish because I know that we weren’t in the best position in life financially, and we didn’t exactly live in the safest place. But I was a kid. I describe my relationship with him now as superficial, because we get along really well… as long as I don’t become a pain. I don’t think he’s going to physically hurt me, because now we’re actually in a country that gives a shit about that sort of thing. But I say the damage is done and it’s going to take a lot of work to build a better relationship.
Anyways I get up and see if anyone needs some help, and turns out they were starting to eat lunch so I join them. Afterwards, I continue working on cleaning my room because there’s so much crap I just really need to get rid of. I’m not even done yet. But I’m so fricking glad I’m getting rid of most of these things because they’re things I’ve accumulated for 10 years and I think it’s about time I let them go. The memories associated with them aren’t even strong or good, so it’s easy for me to let go. I reached my goal of being able to vacuum my floor. It’s so satisfying to even see my floor, which is why I can’t wait to makeover this room (new bed, new paint, SHELVES!!!)
After cleaning my room, I had a snack. It’s extremely hot and I started getting a migraine. I wanted to nap so bad but all I hear in my mind is my dad shaming me for being lazy, for sleeping all the time. So I refilled my water bottle with iced cold water and called my best friend, who called me this morning but I was too groggy. I had a great conversation with him but I had to hang up because I legitimately felt like throwing up with how bad my headache was. I didn’t want to alarm my family by vomiting (I already had a medical emergency a few weeks back), and I eventually was able to sleep.
My mom woke me up by saying “Hey, do you want to say goodbye to Jupiter?” (one of our pet bunnies we rescued)
I could feel that my headache was gone so I was able to instantly reply “What?” and she says “Jupiter is gone now”
All I could muster was a bunch of whiny "what…"s and I get up and go check. My dad was already digging a hole, and true enough, there was our beautiful JupJup laying peacefully.
It hasn’t hit me yet, like with my grandma’s death, but I know it’s gonna hit me hard later on. I’m still grieving my grandma who passed away in 2019, and my breakup. I was already having a tough day mentally and physically. I’m so so upset right now. Bunnies are pretty difficult pets to have because they don’t make noises and they rely a lot on action and movement to show how they feel. Sometimes you can’t even tell what’s going on until you really check. I have two other bunnies who are younger than Jupiter. But Jupiter came from a home where he was just left in a small cage with nothing to eat but pellets and carrots (not healthy). With us he could run around and be groomed and have a variety of food. He was a very, very, terribly sweet bunny who flomps and lays next to you, likes going in your room, and seemingly also likes metal music. One of my favorite memories was when I was studying really hard in our living room listening to Slipknot, and he comes in and lays right in front of me. He was my study buddy/bunny.
At this point, no one has told my aunt. I’m close with her so I message her and she calls me. We had a really nice conversation. I wish she didn’t live so far away. I’d love to be able to talk to her more. Honestly, I wish I lived with her. One of my biggest goals is to move out of here and live with her. But that’s another story.
I’ve never experienced the death of a pet. I don’t know how I feel right now. I could be angry at my mom, who insisted we get bunnies, and I was strongly against it because she wanted to get them because she just thought they were cute. I told her having a pet is a huge responsibility. There were things that could have been done better, which I don’t even want to think about because it makes me so mad. I don’t even have the energy to be angry at my mom, and I don’t really want to go down that path for many reasons. It’s not productive to me. I feel so low right now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I just wish I could kiss him again and feel his fur.
Thank you for reading, here’s a picture of Jupiter looking like a distinguished gentleman I love you my baby JupJup.