Back to heartsupport

I had to call 911 for my mother today

My mother drank a 750ml bottle of vodka in a span of 9 hours. I heard banging from my living room and thought my mom was banging on the walls, because she was screaming really loudly, saying to fuck off and shut the fuck up. I thought she was on a phone call (when she’s been drinking she’ll usually call many people and start arguments) so I went out to tell her that we were going to get a noise complaint and to stop hitting the walls. When I went out to the living room, she was sitting on the floor, in her swimsuit, looking absolutely wasted. I just sort of broke down. It just hit me that there was really something wrong with my mom. She has to take medications, and when we talked about her drinking, she told me she only gets really mean when she drinks without taking her medications. But she took her medications today, she’s been on them. It hit me that it wasn’t something with her medications, but that there was a deeper problem.

She had dislocated her shoulder, and couldn’t move her arm, so for about 50 minutes I tried to help her get onto a couch to sleep on, or get into her bedroom, but in the end, it didn’t work out. I had to call 911 while she was screaming at me. She was really drunk so she wasn’t really saying anything that made sense, but she was still screaming anyways. Eventually, the paramedics came and took her to the ER.

I just started screaming, like scream crying. I had to keep reminding myself that it was just a dislocated shoulder and that they’d realize she was drunk and deal with her, but I was so scared that she was going to be given the wrong pain meds and they would mess with the alcohol and it would kill her. I was so scared she was going to die, and it was rational at all, but I guess I was in a state of shock.

My mother was so sad and so drunk that she managed to dislocate her own shoulder. She never left the apartment, she was inside all day, and she ended up dislocating her own fucking shoulder. She lied to the paramedics, she told them she had been asleep, and she woke up and it was dislocated, but she never went to sleep, in reality, she doesn’t remember how it happened, she doesn’t remember dislocating it.

I’ve come to terms that the same woman I love and can’t live without is the same woman who verbally and emotionally abuses me. It’s been hard to accept that she’s the same person, that it’s not two different people in the same body, but I’ve gotten there. It’s really really hard to take it seriously because I love her so much but she’s also destroying me at the same time. I’ve come to terms that I need therapy, and I’ve decided to talk to my mother about seeing a therapist. For now, though, I’m going to continue to talk on here, talk about my life, certain events, things I’m struggling with.

I guess this post is a rant, but I’m not sure what to do next. I’ve talked to my grandma recently, I’ll be going back up to my old town to see doctors about my health, and she told me I’m welcome to stay whenever I need to, for however long I need to. So I have her reassurance, but I don’t know how to talk to my mom about her drinking, and what to do. I’ll probably post some more on here, just because there’s a lot I need to just let out, so sorry for posting a lot.

5 Likes

Hi Graciee,

I just finished reading your other thread and replied to it. I wish I had seen this one earlier.

My mother is also an alcoholic (she even admits it) who gets pretty wild when she drinks. She is supposed to be on antipsychotics because she is schizophrenic but she hasn’t taken them for probably 2 decades. And she drank so often during my childhood that I can tell you exactly how long it will be before she blacks out and becomes that abusive person who tore my life up as a child. I’m so sorry you have experienced this and continue to experience it. It is no way to live, and it’s not fair to you.

To be completely honest with you, I’m 31 years old and I have finally come to a point in my life where I just refuse to take the abuse anymore and I needed to cut her out of my life. I’ve tried over and over and over again to make it work, but we just don’t get along very well, certainly not when she’s drinking. My brother got us all together for a small family BBQ about a month ago where everyone was drinking (had I known this I wouldn’t have gone) and of course my mother was all happy and lovey for a bit and my anxiety started skyrocketing. I told my husband she was going to black out soon and I wanted to leave, so he said I should eat first and then we would go. But before I could eat she blacked out and came inside, telling me that she was irrate at me (15 mins ago she loved me and I was so awesome) because I was a terrible person for not wanting her at the BBQ and she didn’t want to have anything to do with me (all of this came out of nowhere).

After that, she used that incident to reduce my brothers shared custody of his kids and that was the final straw for me. She does nothing but alienate those around her, especially when she drinks, and I’m tired of it. There comes a time when you need to decide if the relationship is worth the abuse you’re putting yourself through, and judging from your other thread, I would say it’s probably not worth it. I know it isn’t worth it for me.

What a blessing it is that your grama has offered to help you! My time spent with my grama was some of the most fulfilling time in my life and I’m thankful she was there during my hardships. Perhaps you could use some time away from your mother to decompress. I really think that would be good for you.

I can tell you love your mother. I can. But if the relationship has taken you to the point where you don’t want to live anymore, you need to let it go before it kills you, literally. Please do reach out for help. I see so much of what I went through in your story and I hope yours can carry out like mine. I got out of that place and found something to live for and now I’m married with my own apartment. These things are achievable, you just need to believe in yourself again. I’m rooting for you Graciee. I know it’s hard, but it’s never too late. Please keep posting regarding your progress.

4 Likes

You know best how much more you can take of this. It may be healthiest to go live with your grandma, and you should definitely seek counseling, because that’s too much of a burden for one person to carry on their own.

If she’s that drunk, she probably has no idea what she’s saying. That doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t take away from the hurt it causes you. If you want to confront her about it, if you want her to really know what she’s doing to you, maybe try recording her during one of her episodes. You don’t even have to be in the room for it, just leave your phone in the room to record audio for a bit. When she’s sober and the mood is okay, sit her down and say “Mom, I love you and I want us to have a good relationship, but I don’t think you understand just how ugly you can get when you pass a certain threshold,” and play her the audio. Tell her that that wasn’t an isolated incident, that you want the real her back, and that you can’t be around her when she’s like that. I would hope that, when she realizes what awful things she’s saying and forgetting, it would shock her into self-awareness. Hopefully she’d seek treatment. There’s a chance she’d just vow to you and herself that she’ll cut back and cut herself off earlier, and she’ll really mean it, but sheer willpower over that will only get her so far when booze is so readily available and it’s so easy to just keep pouring.

You can also check into local support groups like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous. You are not the only one dealing with this, and like HeartSupport, those groups are judgment-free zones where everyone has been through something similar and you can lean on everybody in the room. There are a couple important things you’ll learn in those groups: the Three Cs (you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it, and you can’t CURE it) and Letting Go with Love (Mom, I will always love you, but I can’t subject myself to your life choices anymore. I really hope you get better, and I’m looking forward to having a relationship with you when you get well, but that’s a journey you’ll need to take on your own). Those groups start you on your own journey to self-improvement, and through that journey you learn how you can set healthy boundaries with your mom and feel good about it.

My brother battled with drugs for over 4 years. I can’t understand specifically what you’re going through, but I do know what it’s like for your home to not be a safe place. I really hope it gets better for you.

3 Likes

I’ve talked to my grandma recently, I’ll be going back up to my old town to see doctors about my health, and she told me I’m welcome to stay whenever I need to, for however long I need to. So I have her reassurance, but I don’t know how to talk to my mom about her drinking, and what to do.

That’s good, Graciee. Really a good thing that you talked to your grandma. Also that you’re invited to take some distance and see doctors for your health. That’s so important right now. So, one thing at a time, okay? :heart: I know there’s a lot going on right now. And in these moments it’s good to try to focus on just one thing, then another one, etc.

What happened to your mom, calling the ER and dealing with this situation by yourself was objectively stressful. If you needed to scream and cry… then you needed to scream and cry, and that’s okay. You did the right thing by calling the emergencies. You just took care of your mom when she needed it, and now I hope you’ll have the possibility to take care of yourself too.

I want to ask you a couple of questions, but you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to - that’s okay: Does your grandma knows about your mom’s problem with alcohol? / What relationship do they have? Are they close to each other, or not at all?

I’m asking because I understand that the idea of confronting your mom about her addiction is scary. And indeed, it’s a heavy thing to do, a heavy subject to discuss. Communicating with someone who’s struggling with an addiction while they’re still in denial can be really hard and painful because you become the obstacle, the “annoyance”. So, I’m wondering to which extent this could be discussed with your grandma or someone in your family, so they could think about how to intervene. Because you’ve been impacted by your mom’s behavior until now. You’ve been on front lines for a long time without asking anything. And it’s my humble opinion, but I think right now a priority is also to protect yourself, so you can have a break and find some peace. This situation is emotionally draining. Confronting someone like this is a heavy responsability, and from what I read in your last two topics, it sounds that you’re vulnerable right now and you’ll need some rest. Which is not selfish, never. I hope you’ll be able to get some while being with your grandma. This situation is not your fault. There is no doubt that you love your mom so much, and I know how hard it is to see that someone you love is struggling, but her healing is not your personal responsability. It’s okay to reach out, friend. It’s okay to ask for help.

:heart:

3 Likes

Thanks for responding again, it really means a lot to me that you’ve responded to multiple posts now. In regards to the questions, yes my grandma is aware of how my mom acts when she’s had too much to drink, and she’s even made a promise with me that she won’t give her any alcohol. I’m not sure if she’s aware of the extent of her drinking, but she has had to help me many times, so she does know about it for sure.

They don’t have the best relationship, my mom gets offended very easily, and my grandma will usually say something that’ll unintentionally offend my mom, my grandma doesn’t really like being around my mom because of her drinking issues, but my mom just dislikes her for some reason I’m not 100% aware of.

I think in the end they are sort of close to each other, even while not having the best relationship, I know my grandma cares for my mom and my mom cares for my grandma as well.

2 Likes

I think in the end they are sort of close to each other, even while not having the best relationship, I know my grandma cares for my mom and my mom cares for my grandma as well.

I understand. It’s not always easy to say “I love you/I care about you”. Especially when you witness someone you love who’s struggling. You can be afraid to say or do the wrong thing and lose them. There’s a certain comfort in letting things as they are sometimes, just because no one’s ready to make a difference… yet. It’s not impossible, but not easy for sure.

yes my grandma is aware of how my mom acts when she’s had too much to drink, and she’s even made a promise with me that she won’t give her any alcohol.

That’s a really good thing, the fact that she’s aware of your mom’s struggle. Though, it sounds that even if she doesn’t really know the extent of her situation, she can still imagine how it is. Again, some things can be said without being said. Just like offering you to come to her home for as long as you need. It’s precious. And she probbaly understands more than she shows it. If at some point you feel okay with talking with her about this situation, not vaguely but more just how life’s been for your mom and you, maybe it could help. Especially since you expressed that you want to help your mom. But you need allies by your side. It can be scary for everyone, you, your family. But this situation can’t keep going on as it is now. The fact that your mom hurt herrself the other day is indeed a red flag.

How have you beeing doing since it happened? Do you manage to get some rest and take care of yourself despite the emotional turmoil?