I hate being so closed off

From fantasmaaa.: I discovered im bisexual some months ago, and now i entered university and i think i have a crush on this one guy but it pains me inside cuz there is no way im gonna come out in a place as homophobic as this one so there is litreally 0 chance of doing anything abt it and idk why i feel so empty, i saw a couple today and they seemed so happy and i wish i had something like that. Im closed with everyone, even tho i have friends i never talk abt me cuz i know they will either dont care or make fun of me or smth, its so hard for me to trust ppl now after all the things ive gone through.
i rlly wish i was happier with myself but i cant seem to find a way to do so cuz i feel like im an awful person and i js feel empty, with no way or purpose
i hate myself so much but i dont have the balls to kms so i js have to curl up into a ball and js wait for the inevitable moment in which i get run over by a car

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Hi Friend,

I want you to know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. Discovering your sexuality can be a deeply personal experience, and this experience can leave someone feeling conflicted and uncertain. Being in an unsupportive environment makes matters much more complicated. Navigating these feelings takes a lot of strength, and it’s important to acknowledge this.

It goes without saying that how you feel is valid. You deserve happiness and fulfilment in your life. I’m sorry that you feel isolated and unable to open up about your feelings, but this is a safe place, and we do not judge. People around you shouldn’t judge, nor reject you for sharing your experience, if they do, they aren’t worth having around in the first place. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are, without question.

University can be great, it’s a time for personal growth and self-discovery. However, if you have to mask a facade, this makes things even tougher. Other people or societal norms should not and do not define your worth. You deserve to love and accept yourself for who you are, regardless of anyone else’s expectations.

Right now, your best chance of healing is to prioritise self-care. Being gentle with yourself also helps. Perhaps you could also look into healthy ways to express your feelings. For example, many people on our forum do it through art, or writing.

Your struggles do not define you, and I believe in you :orange_heart:

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Hello Fantasmaaa

It can be very hard hiding who you are, and not feeling like you are capable of being accepted anywhere. I think a huge step in feeling a bit more free from what you are going through, is finding ways to share it with people around you. If the people around you are not accepting of who you are, then I am not sure they are the right people to have in your life in the first place.

I am not sure if there are any resources or communities online for your area that could lead you to more like minded people, but you are not an awful person, and you are enough just the way you are. There is a website https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ that is supposed to be a good resource for finding people who are also LGBTQ+. It might be an okay place to start in trying to become more accepting of yourself, so that you can be more open in finding acceptance locally. I am sure it is very scary to think about all of the hateful people in the world, who might not be very unaccepting towards you, but I want you to know that there are also loving people in the world who will accept and love you regardless of your gender/sexual orientation. People who don’t see anything but a human being who is looking to not feel alone anymore.

As scary as it might be letting out who you are, and what you’re feeling/are interested in. This is the only way to, not just find out who you shouldn’t have in your life, but also find the people that you should. I hope you have some success in this in the future. Until then, feel free to share more here if you want/need. We are here for support, I believe in you. <3

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Hi fantasmaaa!

Your feelings of feeling empty are completely valid and you do deserve to be happy and openly your authentic self without the fear of what might happen if you come out as bi.

I know personally what can happen with revealing my sexuality as a dorm mate outed me for being bi after finding me online and the bullying that followed after that which made me too scared as the person kept appearing near me to intimidate me.

I also want to assure you that your feelings of sexual attraction can also ebb and flow as for some bisexuals the more prefered gender can shift back and forth or these feelings of crush can also fade and make you feel more comfortable in your current environment, if you don’t have an on-going crush to a same-sex person.

Your situation living in this place isn’t set in stone. If you feel obligated to stay closeted for your safety you can listen to your intuition and later move somewhere where you can feel completely free to be yourself.

There is also plenty of spaces online to connect with other bisexuals or LGBTQIA+ people (such as The Trevor Project or others) that might offer you the kind of community that you desire to connect with where you are right now.

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Hey fantasmaaa,

I’m glad you reached out and were able to open up about yourself here:) However, it’s disheartening to hear about how your environment is not the most accepting and that you don’t feel like you can be yourself. One question that I have - do you mainly consider the student body to be homophobic or educators and professionals too? If it doesn’t extend to the latter, I would consider seeing if there are any counsellors available at your university. I know some schools put more effort into mental health services than others, and that there might not be any good options, but if it is a possibility I would look into it. Maybe it could be a place where you could open up about your sexuality, but independent of that it could be a way to make a bit more sense of the mess university can be.
I know that when I started I struggled a lot with figuring out just what I was doing and who I was, and I was lucky enough to be able to rely on services at my school that ended up being of great help. I think what’s important to remember is that we’re so young! We don’t have to have everything figured out, and although things might seem hopeless at the moment that does not mean it will always be the case. Give yourself some time, happiness and purpose will find their way to you. Plus, once you’re out of university you’ll be able to have a bit more control in terms of your environment and who’s in your surroundings and I think that’s something to look forward to. Hang in there! We believe in you!

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From blox5680: Same thing here. I’m stuck in this town in where everyone would unironically beat me up if they were to discover I’m also bisexual as you said. I’ve stopped caring anymore. Nowadays everytime I see a guy and consider him attractive I just surpress those feelings and just get sad for a while, I feel really needy of care from once in a while but I can just lay down at night and hug my pillow for hours till I fall asleep. I guess it’s still better than coming out. I hope things get better for you man, I’m sure they will!