ive become everything i hated, i became a narcissist asshole who does actions worse than anything. ive said things that ended friendships, i blame everything on everyone else, i hate it. i just feel more guilt and hatred more than anything. i want to go back to when i was an innocent dumbass, who was oblivious, it was better than whatever the fuck i am now, a human isnt something to describe me. i told someone to fucking kill themselves. i dont think or even want to be forgiven, i just want to fucking forget.
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Are you calmer now, than you were when said those things?
Can you go see the person you told that and make things better? Apologize to them and tell them that you were wrong to say such a thing?
i dont have any means of contacting them, even if i did i dont think they would be very happy to see my face.
It sounds like you are on the verge of a lot of personal growth. It’s not a nice thing to say to someone, but at least you understand why it was a wrong thing to do.
I would encourage you to meditate on this and decide how you want to be from this moment onwards. Maybe you can see a counselor or a therapist if you think that you could use some outside support. Learn from this incident, grow from it, and go on to lead a life that helps and builds up others, if you can.
i dont have a therapist or counseller yet, ive tried to be a better person for a good few months and ive barely seen development. everything i do is almost futile.
i know there are some resources and exercises listed here, not sure if any would be useful for you. Did you give them a browse?
Maybe if you tell us exactly what you would like to improve on, which aspect, it might help us suggest stuff for you, if you’d like?
Hi Inferno
Your post saddens me because I read a post of a person who is terribly unhappy and feels like they need to punish themselves.
I wish you didn’t have such self-loathing because although what you said was unpleasant, we all say cruel things in anger at some point in our lives, we say things we would never normally say and things we regret immensely but there is one very important factor here and that is…. If you were all the things, you say you are, you wouldn’t care that you said it, in fact you wouldn’t want to forget or feel any guilt.
That tells me you are not a “narcissist asshole who does actions worse than anything” it tells me that you are a human being that makes mistakes and needs to give themselves a break.
You are loved, You Matter, and You are forgiven for making mistakes.
Its time to show yourself some kindness friend.
Much Love
Lisa 
Hey there @Inferno. I’m sorry that you feel this way, I can’t imagine how that feels. It’s an important first step to realize what you’re doing, and how you feel, and you’ve already got that down. There’s always room to change and grow so you aren’t locked into this place. You might want to find a therapist that can help you through this and help you learn ways to change how you’re acting. You are 100% still human because we as humans make mistakes and accidentally hurt people. The sad part is that we can’t forget mistakes we’ve made but we CAN move past them and make sure we never do it again.
This is just a season in your life and it won’t last forever. There’s help out there and there’s always ways to change and grow. You matter and you’re worth more than you know, friend. Much love.
i havent given the exercises a try, i guess i just want to not be the ass that i used to be.
It sounds like you’re ready for some improvements and like everyone said, that’s a great first step!
Detail, for yourself, all the behaviours you didn’t like, and see how you can prevent yourself from acting out when you’re angry or mad or scared.
i really think you can do it, just take a bit of effort!
I see how bad you are hurting. I admire how you understand that this “person” you are now is not someone who you want to be. You are changing and making the steps towards change. I know it is hard and you may even feel stuck, but admitting this problem is the beginning of eliminating it. @Inferno The process of change will not occur overnight, but these small victories of seeing what needs to change are so key. So give yourself some praise as you continue the journey of change.
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