I am new here. It’s my first topic. I wanted to talk with someone because my life is so lonely. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or trigger someone neither. (sorry for using so many ‘‘I’’).
I am 20 years old, just the beggining of my real life. I am already done with everything. Shame on me. All my things are messed up: family, friends (i don’t have any friends), job, university. I never felt loved but the truth is that I can’t love back people neither. I struggle everyday with bad thoughts. I was abused when I was a child and I am still stucked on traumas. I escaped from my abusive parent 5 years ago. I still have nightmares, I still cry. My mother made me believe that I am the worst person ever. I still believe that. Because of my past I don’t trust people. I keep breaking hearts because I think that is okay. I am sory for saying this. The past made me somehow an egoist, a narcissist. At least I am aware about this and I try to get things right. Am I a good person ? Yes, a good person with a bad past. I strugle to finish my studies, get a job, try to fall in love with someone and someone to love me for who I am. Wow, this can’t be real for me. I don’t deserve all of this. I feel like I deserve to suffer for things that I didn’t do, or for things that I couldn’t control. I am sorry unknown lover, I am sorry myself. I wish I could end all of this but I am afraid to die. There is still a lilttle bit of hope in my bag, even if is covered in dust… It is very difficult to have a body that wants to live and a mind that wants to die. Today I got rid of the only person that I felt cared somehow about me. I don’t know why. I just felt like I had to because I don’t deserve nothing. I think I have depression or bipolar disorder. For sure that I developed some type of mental disorder. I have a lot of negative thoughts, I overthink, I want to feel bad, I am anxious all the time, I am attracted to bad for no reason…, I feel broken, all the time. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE EVERYTHING. I let my traumas into my life. I let them to eat me, to break me… Thanks for reading this. Thanks for your time…
A lot of what you said I can relate to from various times in my life. It sounds like you are really struggling with who you want to be. I’m overjoyed to hear that you got away from your abusive parents 5 years ago. That is huge! But also, there are real things you are still working through and its okay to ask for help and work on the apathy you’re experiencing and the past you’re still recovering from. You don’t have to stay this way and we are here to help. Not only is the forum available to you anytime, but also there are resources from HeartSupport like the book Dwarf Planet, which is about depression. There is a book on self-harm called Rewrite, countless blogs about varying topics, youtube videos to encourage you. Live streams on Twitch.tv/heartsupport three times a week MWF 10 am PST. Talking to a professional would be super helpful to really work through and talk about the depth of what you’re going through. If you don’t already have a therapist, check out www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport for services online. You matter, you have value, and you can get through this. Hold fast.
I’m sorry about your childhood. No one deserves to be abused, especially a child. Unfortunately, things that happen in our childhood sticks with us longer. I know, because my childhood sucked too. I was bullied so I ended up hating everyone and myself. I had no friends, but now I do. It gets better. Sometimes we are all attracted to bad. I don’t think you necessarily have bipolar disorder, but your mental state is similar. Sometimes with depression you can be laughing one moment and be wanting to hurt someone the next. I think becoming narcissistic is one way our mind tries to get us to keep surviving while we’re being told we are the worst people ever.
About that person you said you just got rid of… maybe you can apologize, tell them you want them back and you think of them as a friend. I know doing that can make you feel insecure and uncomfortable, but it is worth it. Don’t let that person go.
It’s not your fault you feel attracted to doing bad things, but it is your responsibility for what happens next. So be good to yourself, keep trying the temptation of doing bad things, and try to understand others. We all feel pain.
Don’t give in
(also I recommend listening to this song when you get a chance) Saviour - Black Veil Brides