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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
I hate me for my choices, from 27 years ago. Tool is everything I feel inside but have no clue how to achieve Pneuma. And I hate me for not finding the way…tool put me to tears, because I want that release that never comes.
Hey! It stinks that you have choices you made from years ago that still haunt you, and that you haven’t forgiven yourself for making them, but I hope that you can find what you need to make the choices in the present that can bring you down a path to feeling better. I think we all to a varying degree might have these feelings, but that some can be much deeper/more serious than others. Depending on the circumstances and choices that are involved. I’m sure whatever it is, it was serious and you have every right to be feeling the emotions you are surrounding it, even now years later. I have found that Acceptance and self-love can be very freeing if you can find ways to forgive yourself for the past, and look to the present for ways to improve your situation. Even if minorly, minor improvements over time can add up to large gains. I believe in your ability to find your way! Feel free to share more of what you are going through with us if you ever want/need.
Even though the tears don’t bring an immediate release, I hope it brings a little bit of relief to your heart - even only temporarily. Keep allowing yourself to let it out when you need it, my friend. What you are going through and the burdens you’ve been carrying can grow in silence and in the shame you might feel about yourself. Letting it be heard and seen is a powerful way to stand up against the guilt, the shame and the loneliness it could create in your heart. By being here, by being your vulnerable self, by sharing how you feel, you are inviting us to your world, to support you in not being alone amidst this pain.
Remorse and guilt are in themselves such powerful emotions to carry, and it’s impressive how much we can hold on to them over time. It becomes this force that creates narratives and lies in our mind - about who we are, about our worth, about how much we don’t belong in this world. After hearing it for so long and living with it, it almost becomes your normality. It’s hard to see beyond it and imagine that what we’ve been believing about ourselves might be wrong, for it is not serving us.
I don’t know of course what happened 27 years ago, but I also don’t need it to know that you deserve forgiveness my friend. You deserve to walk on a path towards healing, towards freeing yourself from these ghosts that have been haunting you for so long. Which does not mean excusing or removing accountability for when we’ve made objective mistakes in our life. But freeing ourselves from the guilt allows us to learn from what happened, to grow in empathy, to move towards new horizons where we are not going to repeat the same patterns or the same mistakes. When you allow yourself to not let your mistakes define you, you also support yourself in growing through it. And you, my friend, deserve so much to feel like you can take steps forward regarding what happened. It doesn’t define your worth. You belong. You always will.
Hold Fast.
-Micro, Heartsupport Staff