I hate me I don't know what to do

I see awful things in my mind’s eye when I’m alone. People I care about dead, because of me. My inner violence coming out.
When I’m with others I can smile but I feel like I smile at the wrong times and too much and I can’t control myself and I’m either happy or depressed. I feel almost bipolar and I keep bouncing between my life sucks and it’s not that bad. I’m not the person I want to be. I can’t control myself or my thoughts. I feel like an attention seeker and/or a psychopath. Im not good enough for myself or the people who need me. I try to reach out to others, but I’m such a coward. I just want to close my eyes and disappear.

Hey there friend,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and I’m really sorry to hear of your struggle.
You’re not a coward for not reaching out. It’s quite difficult for people to make themselves vulnerable to others, I know because I’m like that as well. But I try to remind myself that if I can reach out and ask for help, it’ll be hard now, but better for me later. Taking a step to reach out on this website though is a great step and I’m proud of you for that.
Please realize you’re not an attention-seeker for asking for help and please don’t be so hard on yourself. Regardless of how you may feel about yourself, you are valuable.

Also, I feel that professional help may be valuable in order to further look into the “inner violence” you mentioned. You can also try contacting mental health hotlines, such as SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
And please, if you ever feel like you’re in an especially dark place, please take action and contact a suicide hotline such as 1-800-273-8255 or online chat is available at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Sending LOTS of love to you,
-M

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