I hate my brain (tw)

This one should be short.

I woke up around 9:30 today and just immediately my brain decided to play all these shit memories and scenarios that have happened. It’s making me want to hurt myself :sob:

It’s like if I don’t wake up with stomach problems I wake up a depressed, suicidal piece of shit.
Why do I even exist


you exist because you have something wonderful and unique to share with the world.

Can you try making a list of positive memories? Fun times, happy times, Things about yourself that you like. Sometimes forcing our brains out of the cycle of negative thoughts and bad memories can help.

I read your replies to a couple other people - absolutely WONDERFUL posts, full of compassion and care and kindness.
I’m glad you’re here with us, spreading so much care and compassion! That’s already about three or four positive things I know about you!! What else can you add to the list?

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Thank you @Sita

To be honest, I sometimes reply to posts to distract myself - it always makes me feel good when I am able to be supportive to others. I’m definitely feeling a little better than when I made this post.

Also, you’re right - I have so many good memories and need to try and shift my focus. Some positives lately are that I’m working on addressing my mental health with a therapist, I have a steady job and I know I work hard and am good at my job, I got to spend the day with my grandparents yesterday (something I don’t do nearly as often as when I was a kid), and I’m becoming more financially stable.

I’ve had a lot of stressful things going on lately, like waiting for test results for Autism, losing a close family member to covid, major IBS problems (gross lol), and other small stressors that tend to pile up.

I just want to say thank you for reminding me of some of the good in myself. Sometimes it’s hard to keep those things at the forefront of my thoughts, and I hope therapy will help me with that battle. Your kind words most certainly helped :two_hearts:

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Oh @bluejay_18, what a shitty feeling. To wake up for a fresh new day, one that had not started yet and could be seen as full of possibilities, new experiences… LIFE with all that it has to offer us. Yet having this immediate dark fog above you that randomly decides to remind you things you just want to be at peace with. For no reason there is this wall appearing, making you feel trapped in your mind and body, and forces you to ask yourself what’s the point anyway. What’s the point of even trying if I’m feeling such pain while the day hasn’t started yet? What am I supposed to expect? What’s the next hurdle that life is just going to throw at my face today? It’s already too much. I’m already trapped. Why bother even trying?

I hate waking up like this. It pushes me to start reasoning in a kind of all or nothing manner: if today’s already like this, then I’d rather hide under my blanket and not show up! Nope. Cancel today. And eventually, let’s see how tomorrow is going to be instead.

I want to commend you for being here despite these dark thoughts and overwhelming memories. From the moment you have been in this loop to the one you’ve clicked on the “publish” button, you have been battling against these thoughts and feelings of being nothing and wanting to die. You’ve acknowledged the fog and rain but you’ve decided to look after your umbrella. The weather may not change immediately, but still you seek - and will find here - the safety and connection you would need during this moment.

Fuck these thoughts. Fuck these bad memories. A day is made of 24 hours, and SO many things can happen during that time. A couple of minutes to embrace the sun or breathe the air outside. Another couple of minutes to enjoy the water on your skin or the perfume of your favorite skin cream. A time to sit down, breathe and being pleased by a warm, tasty coffee. Today is still your day. You own it. The pain you feel happens to be there, but it doesn’t have to condition everything. You are aware of it. You see it. And minute by minute, you can progressively learn to say to it: “okay, enjoy your time here, but I’m not going to let your presence stop me from living”. Sooner or later, it will fade away, and you will have more room for the energy you need. In the meantime, take it slowly. There is no rush when our heart is hit by a wave of sorrow. Only a need for patience, love and care.

Today can end up better than it started, even if it’s just through an instant of life, a spark of joy and mindfulness that you would set intentionally. Take care of your heart as you would do with a friend. It is precious, and it might need a little bit of extra care today as it is fighting some tough battles right now. That’s okay. We will make it through together.

You are loved, friend. :hrtlegolove:

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yay! so many good things going on right now, and good because you’re working hard at them!

Maybe you could have a happiness journal filled with good memories, or even a wall full of pictures to remind you as you wake up. I’m very happy to hear you’re talking with a therapist. We’re here for you, thank you for being so awesome! :smiley:

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