I hate my life and my mental illness

Almost exactly 3 months ago now, I had a nervous breakdown where I stole my mom’s phone for half a day and accidentally fell into their door when arguing with them and pushed it open (it has a simple weak lock mechanism). After having 3 nervous breakdowns where I also got angry and argued and said horrible things to my parents, they told me if I went inpatient that I could get help and return home.

About 3 days into my stay my dad tells me the family has changed their mind and I can’t return home. I’m broken but eventually come around to the idea of owning my own place. I put everything I had in my savings into a small condo.

Since then I’ve been living alone and I’ve spoken to a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a social worker once every week. It feels like it’s impossible to move forward from the fact that I’m all alone all the time. It feels like I have no purpose. No hello to Mom and Dad before they go to work. No goodnight. No family meals. I’m in my late 20’s and probably would have been given the boot in a year or two anyways. It’s just with ADHD, severe anxiety, and depression I’m a mess.

I’ve thought many times about purchasing a gun. I’ve browsed all of the gun shops near me.

I see my grandma and my parents like once a month now and I talk to my grandma on the phone 2-3x a week and she talked me out of giving myself alcohol poisoning. She knows that if someone calls the hotline I’ll end up losing my job and my condo.

My brain refuses to grow up. I miss my family. I don’t want to live alone anymore. It would be different if I had a long-time girlfriend or a wife but I don’t have that and it’s unlikely I will with my mental illness. I hate my job. I just want to go back to when my grandpa was alive and our family was all happy going swimming at my grandma’s. I hate this reality.

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Don’t purchase a gun! You could end up hurting someone else. It’s good that you are talking to a therapist, psychiatrist and social worker every week. It might be worth asking them if there are support groups around that you could become a part of.

Believe it or not, I have exactly the same diagnosis’ as you do. It’s not been easy, but I have managed to make it this far. I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time wishing I were alone, and finally, I have a decent relationship with my wife.

There is a difference between loneliness and aloneness. Loneliness can lead to despondency and despair. Aloneness can actually bring peace and contentment. A person becomes much better company for others, after coming to terms with being alone. It sounds like you have never been alone, so it seems like it will take you a while to adjust.

I’m pretty sure there are some online groups too, available for real-time chat. That might help.

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From: Ash (Discord)

Dear friend this is a lot to deal with and I am so sorry you have so much going on. First off I am proud of you for A.) seeking help and B.) going to see a therapist and a psych and so on. It is never easy to do all of that and maybe people cant even do that. So take a moment to realize just how big that is. Dont stop yourself from knowing what you have achieved and what you will achieve if you keep pushing forward. As for what your parents did I am so sorry they told you that you could come live with them and than changed their minds that is extremely hard. Parents are there to love us and care for us. Its not easy to have to change your entire life that quickly no plan no chance to make it a slow transition. I personally have to have that transition or I am unable to function entirely the same. Each and every person is different. I dont know what you do in your free time but I learned that perhaps having a friend to facetime or skype with during meals is away to feel like you arent so alone. I am sorry you miss your family and your grandpa it sounds like you have a good relationship with your grandma and that is wonderful. I have to say sometimes we need to find those super good things in life to keep us going. Even if they are small they can do a huge thing for us.

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From: Micro (Discord)

Dear friend, thank you so much for sharing all of this. Leaving the family home to live on our own is already a huge transition for so many people, but in your situation it also happened in such a brutal way. It sounds that, somehow, there were some tensions ongoing between you and your parents, but on your end the way they decided for you to leave was their decision, and not a mutual agreement. I can only imagine how this made you feel, and now having to deal with a dreading sense of loneliness and lack of purpose. The world you knew has changed drastically and you are still learning to process this transition. I’m glad you have at least some people by your side to support you. They will keep being a crutch for you in times to come. It’s okay to be scared, to feel lost as well. Many people, without even depression, anxiety or ADHD, struggle with figuring out what to do with their life once they live on their own. But little by little, and through different experiences, we learn to approach the life we want. Trusting the process is hard, but know that we believe in you, friend. If you have any doubt, fear or question to share, feel free to share them here as well. If we can support you in any way, we’ll be glad to do it. Hold fast. You will be okay. <3

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Hi @LostWanderer1

On Saturday June 5th, the HeartSupport Houston team set up a physical version of this Support Wall at the Texas Taco and Tequila Music Festival.

We posted a condensed version of your topic to the Wall, and asked real people at the festival to provide support for you.

The responses (pics below) to your topic are from real people who read your post, cared for you, and took the time to carefully write out a response to make sure that you felt loved and supported. They all wish for you to find healing and joy, and their hearts go out to you.

  • HeartSupport Houston


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