I’m already on the journey to self wellness. I know that when other people hurt me or belittle me it’s really not about me, it’s about them and how they feel inadequate; they must degrade someone else to feel validated. I know love is wanting, not needing. And I know that addiction is more prevalent than most people care to think and in many ways that they don’t think of…
That being said… I feel like I’m the only person on God’s green Earth who hates pornography and the idea that “nearly all men” (to quote someone else, “only those in a coma do not”) masturbate. I hate that people tell me that it’s “normal”.
I don’t really have an issue with it with the outside world… but I don’t want my partners to partake in it and every day it feels more and more like I am fighting a battle that I fight alone and that the rest of the world throws stones at me for.
It disgusts me, it literally physically hurts to think about. And I know that it’s “not about me”, it’s not being done because “I am not good enough”; but it still bothers me and actually hurts. But again, I feel totally alone.
I’m starting to get to the point where I feel like the only thing for me to do is to swear off of dating entirely.
Just to be clear, I don’t hate sex. But I also don’t feel a “need” for it, I enjoy it when I’m with my partner but I have gone months to years in a “dry spell” without feeling the “need” or “urge”. And no, I don’t masturbate either.
I’m just not sure that I can ever truly be happy with another person because of this. Dating an asexual man wouldn’t really work either… like I said I still enjoy sex and I do get frisky, I just have the ability to not act on it in any way if I choose to; absolutely never having that opportunity with my partner would not be very enjoyable.
I just don’t know what to do at this point. All I know is that I feel very, very, very alone.
I don’t know why I tried to look up anything related to this topic. All I found were highly religious sites or people saying “it’s good for you”.
I can’t take it any more. I feel like I’m going to break because I’m living in a world that feels upside down and that I don’t fit into.
Hey @LastStraw,
Thank you for sharing and being honest with us. It’s not always easy to do that, especially when it concerns our intimate life or subjects that society tends to make taboo.
First I’d like to emphasize that there’s nothing wrong with you. I personally truly think there’s no right or wrong way of considering sexuality and desire as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, that it doesn’t go against the will of anyone. If you don’t like pornography or masturbation, then so be it. There is no standard to follow in this matter or there’s no need to force yourself to do anything.
Also, I think people often have distorted representations about pornography because no, not everyone look at this. I’ve also heard this idea that “almost all men” masturbate, but I am very wary of generalizations. These are statements that don’t mean much because, personally, I can’t claim to know the intimate life of all people on this Earth, so… Your intimacy is yours first.
I can relate myself to some of the things you shared. I’ve been with a man since college, we got married and, over time I came to question my own “need” for sexuality. Like you, I can say that I don’t feel the need to have sex on a regular basis. It doesn’t prevents me to enjoy these moments, not at all, but I can also stay very long without having any sense of lack. For, these are privileged moments of intimacy, but it’s not something that will occupy a place in my mind. In fact, I would easily tend to forget that it’s part of life. So I can’t tell if I’m actually asexual, but I try not to partition myself into a label because it can be limitating in the way you view your relationship, which remains always unique.
Obviously, it has often been very frustrating for my partner. We argued sometimes. And I often wondered if I had a problem, if it was due to depression, to lack of desire, something wrong in my body… anything. I felt guilty. I was deeply scared of the idea that my husband could leave me or cheat on me. I got to the point when I kinda accepted the idea he could need to go somewhere else. Because I wouldn’t be enough. So we had to create our own rhythm, we reached a new level of intimacy which was absolutely ours. We had to talk a lot, a lot, a lot. Because staying in the unsaid could have been very destructive for both of us. Also to reassure him because my love didn’t change at all and I didn’t want him to feel rejected.
So, I guess by saying this I just wanted to say that, first, you are not alone. Really. I know people may not dare to talk about this sort of thing, but there is no shame to have. And secondly, it’s not impossible to have a relationship when you consider yourself asexual. But it requires truth, honesty and regular communication. Because everyone has an idea of what “should” be sexuality, especially from their past experiences. But that can be considered differently. And I think that when there’s sincere love in a relationship, patience and perseverance can always be at the rendezvous.
Once, I heard someone saying that “if a couple doesn’t have sex then it’s not a couple but two friends”. But I totally disagree with that. Sexuality can be part of a relationship. At different degrees, in different ways. But it can also not be part of it. So this isn’t an absolute rule. And yes, we have to be honest: for most people, sexuality is indeed important. But it’s not the case for everyone. And that’s totally okay. That doesn’t mean there would be something wrong with you. That means you are truly aware of who you are and what you want or not. It’s a strength. Because it’s from this knowledge that you’ll be able to act honestly and respectfully towards yourself and your partner. 
It’s the devil working his spell. It takes an awful lot to avoid his temptations and overtures. And he knows what your own secret demons are and will use those to get to you and bring you into his kingdom. Hey, I’m religious and do enjoy the grace and beauty that God has anointed the female sex with. It’s incredible the beauty he has bestowed among women. But the Devil knows we are weak and the attractions of the flesh is an easy picking for him. I also believe that he uses drugs and alcohol the same way. Think of the incredible power and goodness that comes from some drugs to rid our bodies of cancer, diseases, and ailments. Alcohol provides a unique celebratory value in bringing people together and rejoicing. It wasn’t meant for rudeness and debauchery. That just was an outcome of overindulgence. It’s been decades since I’ve read or studied the bible, but there’s wisdom there and it’s where I should go more often when I have my impure thoughts and desires for doing bad things.
That’s my 2 cents
You are not the only one who hates pornography. It’s not new. There are some people who hate it too. Have you communicate with your partner about both of your sexuality? Have you figure out of what to improve? You are not alone in this struggle. If you want to share more, this forum is open. I hope it works out for you. Thank you for reading this. God bless you.
I want to tell you that you are not alone in hating pornography, you are not alone in being disgusted by the idea that all men masturbate, you are not alone in hating that people tell you that it’s “normal”.
Everyone has their own individual sexuality and sexual desires. While my own opinions do have somewhat of a religious basis, they also do have a secular component.
If I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t want my partner (I am a straight female) to partake in pornography or sexual activity outside of our relationship. For me, it’s not even a jealousy thing; I just don’t feel like those things should be part of a relationship.
I also don’t feel like I need sex often and to be honest, I’d only be comfortable with a partner in the context of a committed relationship. For me, that means marriage, but I know most people don’t feel that way- no judgment, though.
No matter what our opinions on whatever topic, it is incredibly difficult to hold an opinion different from those around us. I just want to tell you that you are not alone.
I feel like you really should go over this with a therapist. They might be able to help more than us randoms on the internet. They’re specifically there to help unpack and sort through uncomfortable feelings in a safe environment.
I’m sorry if this sounds judgemental, but I do think that the fact that this makes you so uncomfortable is a sign that it’s something to do with you internally rather than an external problem with the world.
And I’m saying this as a guy that dislikes porn(for reasons that are radically different from yours) but encourages others to crate or consume it if that’s what makes them happy.
Good luck,
@LastStraw
Thank you for reaching out to the forum for support! I am sorry to hear about your struggle, but just know that your feelings regarding porn use are valid! Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries in sexual encounters/relationships.
I do agree with @GreatWalrus that you may want to seek help from a therapist about why YOU feel this way. Because the reason may be more internal than external. But whatever the reason,…I would suggest really opening up to your partner about how you feel. And also pairing with someone who feels similarly to you.
This opinion comes from me, a woman who watches porn semi regularly. I wouldn’t be able to pair with a partner who restricts my viewing of porn. Which I understand may be hurtful to a partner… however there are plenty of people who are NOT hurt by porn viewing. So I would choose to pair myself with someone on the same train of thought. Maybe you should clarify with your partner each other’s needs and interests.
Best of luck to you!
-Eyeless
I hate pornography with a passion. My husband is addicted to it. He lies to my face while looking in my eyes, saying, "I am not looking, I haven’t for months, I love you and would never lie to you " It was a lie, it was always a lie. He uses, doesn’t stop and likes the really bad stuff. I hate porn, I hate everything about it. When he tries to have sex with me, I can’t do it. I literally start shaking, feel nauseated, panic, cry, physically become sick when he touches me. So, you are not the only one. Unfortunately his addiction has turned me into an angry hateful person toward him a d I have lost all interest in taking care of myself. I have started drinking, not working out, not eating right and of course now he says it’s my fault for his porn. I need to get me back, but I have completely lost all self esteem. I used to be the most confident person in the room. Now all I want to do is hide out, never leave the house and I hate who I have become. He is a very mean person with his words. He is a rude aggressive driver, he has a bad temper, he cusses non stop and has the ability to say the cruelest things to just make me hurt. He cheated on his ex wife for years and for some stupid reason I married him. I don’t want to get divorced and this was his words for my suggestion of counseling, “We can’t go to different counselors, we need to go at the same time so that we can tell them what we don’t like about the other person.” SMH. What? That’s not what counseling is for…
Again, you’re not the only one who hates porn. It has ruined my marriage and my life.
You have clearly stated you hate it, but I just want to point out that you shouldn’t hold people accountable for something like that. It’s human nature to have desires and urges. Nobody is perfect, and I don’t mean to sound rude, I promise I don’t, but neither are you. I’m sure you’ve done things in life that other people “hate” as well, so please don’t spend your life focusing so much on something so little. People were made that way. I hate pornography too, but I don’t tend to judge people for participating in it, because I, myself, AM NOT PERFECT. I make mistakes too. It takes a while to learn from your mistake and repent from them. But it’s a process we must all go through. We don’t learn from people’s mistakes, we learn from our own. Forgiveness is crucial.
I need to say this, and I need to say it now. I have never been on this website before, I don’t even know what it is, I just stumbled across this page after having reached absolute frustration and typing “porn disgusts me” into the search bar. I have not come across any reassurance from anyone, anywhere. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone anywhere about this who can relate, and the frustration I feel has no where to go.
I will start by saying that I am a man. I find pornography repulsive and absolutely disgusting. Watching it makes me feel like I am being “violated” by a stranger who I’ve never met in my life, it’s not a pleasant feeling, and believe me I have given it plenty of chances. Every time I try to bring this up with any of my male friends, it ends up going horribly. Multiple times I’ve been told to “get therapy”, that I’m sexually repressed, and that I “don’t know what I’m talking about” when it comes to finding women attractive. No, jack ass, I’m not asexual, I don’t have a dysfunction, I am perfectly capable of “handling my business” on my own just fine, and I have no problem feeling attraction and being intimate with the woman I have feelings for.
I have absolutely no problem with discussing this with women. Hell, some of the female friends I have spoken to about this seemed to understand exactly what I was trying to describe within 5 minutes of opening my mouth. But this is exactly my issue; it’s nothing BUT women, and it makes me feel like there is something legitimately wrong with me. Typing “porn disgusts me” into google, all five links above this one consist of either women complaining about their porn watching partners, women expressing their disgust with porn, a religious movement that seems to abhor masturbation in general, or men talking about porn abstinence like they’re trying recover from a god damn heroin addiction. I feel like I am losing my fucking mind and I apologize if this website has a no-cursing policy or something I honestly have not checked.
And NO, I do not believe that feeling repulsed or disgusted from watching two people you’ve never met or spoken to in your life have sex with each other is something that warrants a “trip to the therapist”. This assertion frustrates me to no end. You know what should warrant a “trip to the therapist”? All of these ‘anal’ ‘feet fetishing’ nonsense that obviously came from somewhere. I’m not trying to kink shame anyone, I’m just saying. Should a person “seek therapy” because the smell of puke disgusts them and they can’t stand being around it? Is there something wrong with the puke-averse guy? What if maybe, just maybe, by some tiny chance, puke literally just smells disgusting? Just a thought.
But if vomit is that viscerally horrifying that it makes you feel like you’re losing your mind, then just a though: it night not be a society problem. Also comparing something other people enjoy or use for recovery to vomit, is not very diplomatic nor does it facilitate a good discussion. It’s your feelings but who’s gonna talk about them when you just shit on theirs right?
And like a lot of women don’t like porn because it caters to a straight male audience and they find it unpleasant to look at right? Have you tried other forms of erotica that’s written in words rather than visual or something?
But like if you don’t like it, you don’t have to like it. But is it inherently bad or inherently trash? No. And like the fact that you’re having reactions that are this visceral to it indicates that the porn is one facet of a different problem. If it’s just not for you, you can just say “not for me” and that’s valid. But don’t project this primal disgust with it onto it…keep this shit separate
I hate porn is so sick what they doing porn movies I use to look at it but now I hate it I never did what they did in the porn movies but could anyone do the nasty thing that they do like eating pussy and sicking dick and having anal sex and doggy style sex and get up on top of a man that’s not what god wants us to he wants us to have sex the right way not the wrong way God wants the woman to lay on her back wild the man get on top of her that’s the way he wants us to make love to make babies
Masturbation is a sin I use to do it then I realize it a sin to masturbate and watch porn and it’s a to do oral sex and anal sex and doggy style sex and to get on top of a man i dont want to watch porn and I don’t want to masturbation any more I been celibate for 6 years now I m loving it It was the best i ever did is to be celibate until God seen me a God fearing man someone who read the bible someone who’s go to church and someone who pray and fast someone who put God first someone who don’t smoke or drink alcohol someone who is faithful someone who dont abuse kids and someone who don’t abuse women
Having been addicted myself for 12 years, I now have a hate towards it and what it did to me and does to those wh I use it.
It’s been a hard journey and a lonely one and resisting the urge to masturbate as well is another issue so you’re doing better than a lot of people will ever do.
Definitely communicate with your partner and seek counseling
I hate pornography as well. I think it’s really disturbing too.
I feel basically the same about porn, and I don’t see why anyone likes it.
Oh wow this is an old post, but hey, hopefully giving my two cents is ok.
I hate porn too, but largely because of the exploitative nature of it. Its impossible to know how the people on the other side of the screen were treated and/or coerced while on set. And yea, money is a coercive tool when it comes to sex. So porn is not normal nor is the product healthy for anyone involved.
You arent alone in having dry spells, it could be an asexual thing, or it might not be. Im not asexual in the slightest and I can go months without feeling any kind of urge. I think individual people have individual drives and you arent weird of broken for having your own rhythms.
You are wrong about Masturbation being a sin. It is the natural behaviour of human beings.
Masturbation is not an enemy of the people. Extended “Dry spells” are not abnormal! I’ve gone over 5 years without sex, more then once! I am a man that’s tired of my sexuality questioned when length of dry spells is discovered.
Back to masturbation, idk if being in judgement of another who enjoys themselves holds value. Unless the goal is to show a modicum of decency. What really seems at hand when one looks at the original post is a lack of open communication. How does one dissent or accept when preconceived notions prevail?
Anyway I love discovering this site on a night when I need to look at my own Internet pornographic culpability. I thank the heart support community for existing I need more of it in my life, thank you!
You are not the only one who hates pornography, I hate it too. And there are plenty of people who don’t masturbate. At least you’re not the only person on God’s green Earth who is like that in that way that you are.