I hate this reality I am forced to deal with:/

So for a few who have read my posts before : June of last year my sensei passed away and my dojo closed because of it. That was a big trauma to me. I grew up in that dojo and he was a second father figure to me, I loved him very much. There still is just an emptiness there in my heart, you know? I don’t sob over it every day anymore. I am used to the reality. I guess I just feel weird summer is coming up in a few months again. It is a painful reminder that it will have been a year since he has been gone. Its just, my mom and I do not have a good relationship. My dad is cool and everything. He is just really quiet so we aren’t super close. My sensei was the adult in my life who genuinely cared about me?? Like he took a lot of interest in me and my life outside of martial arts. He was incredibly selfless and I feel like no one in life will ever care as much as he did. I also feel like He would be proud of who I am becoming:,) It just sucks he cant see the things I am doing. The little achievements I have or changes in my life can hurt. I want to be able to tell him and keep him updated on my life. He is gone. I still text him though. Man, there are times I am having a breakdown and I sit down sobbing and am texting him. I feel as though it is extremely silly it being a year later almost and still feeling like its a dream or like the horrible reality is not real. Martial arts was such. a big. part. of. me. Its gone for now. I hate it. I hate the emptiness and empty memories. How does one ever get over that? Yeah, there has been some good to the pain. It has caused me to grow but I hate it so bad.

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Sorry for you loss, losing someone who cares about you is never easy at all. If there’s anything I can say is I learned this:
Sometimes we lose people who cared about us the most and we never find the same kind of love.
Funny thing is: in months, years, maybe days you find someone else who cares about you, differently - we are all different- but you will feel just as loved and appreciated. - No one can replace him but someone always comes along and helps you put pieces together.
Continue texting him, its a kind of your way of reaching him. Go for it. No one is allowed to tell you how to feel or how to mourn.

Another thing, if I may - If I care about someone- and I drop dead? I would want them to continue what they loved after me. If your sensei really cared for you, he would want you to continue marshal arts, he would NEVER want you to lose a part of you. I get it- it might be difficult because its not the same, but I do hope you continue one day. If even for his memory.
Hope this is “somewhat” helpful.

Hold fast.

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I don’t understand how anyone ever gets over it either. I have never gotten over anything that bad. I am still suffering a lot. The thing is, eventually, the wispy comes and sings to you.
I know that might not have made sense.

I wish I could just give you a hug right now.
I wish I could sing to you.
You know the way that is, right?
I wrote a song called quiet question that I wish I could sing it to you, even though no one can quite make sense of the words.

There is nothing silly about anything to do with greif. Nothing silly at aaaaaaaaaaallll.
I do not feel any ridicule about it. It makes all the greif of me come back.

There is never a peramnent too late, though.

That’s all I can explain. I hope you understand what I mean and don’t misunderstand, and take inspiration from it. Sorry If I talk to much about myself, or if I did anything rude.

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Hey @cs15,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You lost such a huge part of your own world. Those breakdowns are perfectly normal, friend. This person was a huge pillar of strength and inspiration in your life. Your heart will need time, a lot of time, to process what happened and find some peace again.

I wouldn’t say that the pain is less intense with time, but it becomes less overwhelming. It leaves more space and energy to focus on the good memories, on what those people that we lost teached us, and what we want to share from them with the rest of the world. In the meantime there are many waves of grief to ride, and sometimes it’s pretty overwhelming. But you don’t have to navigate those only by yourself. You’re not alone.

There is no doubt that he would be proud of you. The way you describe him shows how much your relationship was special for both of you. This bond will never be broken. You keep it with you, in your memory, in your heart. It will still give you a lot of strength in your life.

You’re holding a very special legacy that’s not gone, because you’ve been blessed by knowing this person. He’s holding a special place in your heart now, and somehow that’s how we keep our loved ones alive. They keep living through us. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. :hrtlegolove:

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