Hello there!
First off I just want to say thank you for being open with us here, we appreciate it and don’t take it for granted.
I have gotten to know loss very well, but not in this relationship. I cannot begin to understand how difficult it must be to lose a parent, in this way as well.
With loss, I believe a lot of people have guilt… wishing they said more, did more… but please know, you did all you could, and that is all that can be asked of you. There is nothing more that you could have done to save your father, especially with illness. I know this is hard to accept, but I promise you it is the truth. I felt a lot of guilt for not spending more time with the people I have lost, or being more myself with them. But I have to remind myself I did what I could at the time, and that is all that can be asked of me, and i have to learn to accept that, even though it is hard.
I try to remind myself that these people I have lost are still with me, even if not on the plains of earth, they are with me in spirit. I am not religious, but it does give me some solace to know that they are with me in some way.
When I lost my grandparents on my moms side and fathers, my mom was the main one to take care of everything… I cannot even begin to think how hard that must be. I saw her struggles, I saw her pain and emotions. It has got to be so hard, and I just want you to know you are not alone in what you have gone through.
Friend, it was enough. You did enough. You did it all right. Please know that. While dealing with this loss, you took care of your grieving mother, and pregnant wife… man, that is a lot, don’t downplay that friend, you did everything you could, and that is amazing.
I deal with self hate as well, but from what I see of you here… you are so strong, and amazing. You are so caring. You are an amazing human. You inspire me to keep going, with what I have been through. I believe you will inspire many more as well.
I am glad that you have music as a kind of release, as a way to feel understood, and less alone.
Thank you for sharing your life here with us… sharing what you have been through and how you feel really makes people feel less alone. I may share your experience with my mother at some time, to help her feel less alone as well.
I want to leave you with this reminder:
You did what you could with what you had, and that is enough. You did amazing. You did all you could do. Your family has gotta be so grateful for you.
Take it slow friend, please know we are always here for you, to listen, to be a shoulder to lean on.
Sending love,
Lys