i think this is actually it. after ten years of suffering, i think i’m done. i have a plan and i know exactly what i’m going to do.
i honestly can’t tell if i’m a disgusting person or if it’s my ocd analyzing everything i’ve ever done or thought in life, but on the other hand would i have to debate myself and make excuses if i wasn’t actually a disgusting person?
either way, i know what i have to do. i won’t even remember or feel. it’ll all be over.
it weird but i want to reach out to friends, but at this point, what would they even give to help? i’ve talked about it to them for months and it’s not their fault, i wouldn’t know what to do either. it’s just exhausting to deal with and i feel bad for going to my boyfriend all the time when i feel like this. he isn’t equipped to deal with someone being suicidal 24/7 and i shouldn’t be forcing him to deal with that. i never want to hurt him.