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I have a plan to end it

i think this is actually it. after ten years of suffering, i think i’m done. i have a plan and i know exactly what i’m going to do.

i honestly can’t tell if i’m a disgusting person or if it’s my ocd analyzing everything i’ve ever done or thought in life, but on the other hand would i have to debate myself and make excuses if i wasn’t actually a disgusting person?

either way, i know what i have to do. i won’t even remember or feel. it’ll all be over.

it weird but i want to reach out to friends, but at this point, what would they even give to help? i’ve talked about it to them for months and it’s not their fault, i wouldn’t know what to do either. it’s just exhausting to deal with and i feel bad for going to my boyfriend all the time when i feel like this. he isn’t equipped to deal with someone being suicidal 24/7 and i shouldn’t be forcing him to deal with that. i never want to hurt him.

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I’ve suffered with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. I know how it feels. I can’t tell you how many days I made this statement that I was finished. Even then I was so depressed I couldn’t move myself to do it.

I can tell you one thing with certainty.

The pain your feeling doesn’t magically dissapear when you take your life. That pain spreads to everyone around you. Right now it might be hard to imagine yourself as a strong person, but there is a reason you’re reaching out. There is a reason you haven’t followed through yet.

You’re stronger than you look.

Would you feel better knowing that all your pain will be put on the backs of the ones closest to you? Is this really the way to get “peace”.

I hope these words find you today. I hope you decide to think on this just another day.

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i have never wanted to hurt others and saying that killing myself would hurt others really really hurts me. it only makes me feel like i’m guilty. i understand the intent behind saying it and i’ve thought about it too. but truthfully i don’t know very many people and my friend already plans to move elsewhere so i wouldn’t be able to see her anyway. my family hasn’t given a shit about me in literal years and all they do is manipulate, abuse, and gaslight me. i love my boyfriend, i really do, but i shouldn’t have to put him through the pain of worrying about me on the daily and having me run to him when i feel bad because i can’t afford any therapy. my boyfriend deserves far better than what i can give him anyway and i know he would find it easily. if it came down to it, everyone in my life could and would move on. it’s natural and i would want them to.

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I know it hurts. I know it is hard to say. Honestly as someone who struggles with suicide you never know what to tell another person. We all have different stories, reasons, issues…
I’m a caring person. I couldn’t imagine hurting anyone. Suicide in my mind was a way of removing my own hurt. When I put into the perspective of how I would hurt others, it didn’t feel great. I felt like the only outlet I had left just got revealed as a fallacy. It isn’t want ultimately helped me start making changes in my life. It kept me from making the WRONG change that day.

I don’t fully understand or know your situation, but I can empathize with the resolution you feel is the only answer. First it takes recognizing that it is the WRONG answer.

I’m very sorry if I offended you it was not my intention.

no it’s okay, you’re trying your best and honestly i wouldn’t know what to say to another person either. i didn’t mean for it to seem like i was trying to insult you for helping.

it can just be sorta hard for me to hear if im being selfish because i’ve been told that i am my entire life, during times where i wasn’t being selfish so it’s hard for me to accept that word. maybe i am being selfish for wanting to die, honestly i don’t know.

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Actually I’ve had suicide posed to me as “selfish” before and it didn’t help me…
It’s not about being selfish, it’s about what is truly there in your heart. I feel like you share the same heart for others as I do. You feel like you aren’t getting the love and support that you should be. Even when I felt trampled by the fucking world, I had this small sliver of faith in myself and my heart. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about staying true to your heart. Your heart will tell you that you are meant for more than this. I hoped that one day I could climb out of my depression and help the others I met in the pit. I’m making my way to that point by working on myself.

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My heart wouldn’t allow me to take my own pain away if it meant hurting one more person in my life. That was the thing I needed to hear.

What works for me won’t work for everyone. I wanted to share that :).

You’re worth more than this moment.

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i really appreciate you reaching out to offer support, it means a lot to me. maybe i won’t do anything tonight, i’m unsure, but thank you.

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I wrote this for someone else, but I think I should share it with you.
I hope you are not offended by the mention of God or the Christian religion…

I’ve dealt with mental health for over 10 years. Things help and things don’t work in traditional psycho-therapy.

I ran from the Church for over 10 years.

I hated what I saw; the masses had become and the hypocritical hatred.
God healed a crucial part of me… in an instant… and gave me the ability to start working through steps to get better. I still struggle, but I believe in the redemption I have in Jesus and his unconditional love. I still struggle to accept it.
I don’t even know why I’m saying this. I hate preachy people and the last thing I’d ever imagine is typing this on a forum.
He saved my fucking life…
There’s no way he wouldn’t save you right now…
Read it for yourself if you don’t trust the Church.

I also wrote my story of what has happened in to me since January in more detail on the board if you want to read.

I cant share much but this far I learned. that I need pray read the bible and believe in God. I then must learn to get up and get busy plus have some Goals and Hope. I found a person who helped a lot and showed me the real reason for a lot. It has helped tremendously. I also suggest asking can you come over there house because it might contribute to a better thinking environment as well. I really saw when I went over there. I should have desperately stayed but am ok given Jesus. For me and the will within me which I dont credit myself sometime or all on some occasions. It helped I pray you fight there is something worth fighting for and living for. Be Blessed you will make it. I am and will with Gods help.

I get it sorry but if you need scriptures I got some that helped me and I feel like they would help you if you want to know.

sorry, but that religion actually caused a lot of pain in my life. others have used it against me and i don’t believe that in the first place. but don’t get me wrong, i’m not christian because people hurt me, i held onto the belief for a while even after people did. it just didn’t make sense for me, but i’m glad it did for you!

thanks for sharing, but that religion doesn’t work for me. i’m glad it works for you though.

It caused a lot of pain in my life too.
There was a point where I found a relationship and not a religion.
I don’t like the religion and it grosses me out…
I don’t want to encourage you to turn to Christianity or any religion… search for God.
Like just search. Wherever, however, how ever long. He will find you.

As someone who lost a loved one to suicide, please try for just one more day… and then another… it’ll be 10 years in August and the loss still aches. The ones left behind are eaten alive with the what is and if onlys. I’ll listen… I care…

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i don’t think i will unfortunately, and it sounds pessimistic, but if there was one, i think they wouldn’t allow such pain. if i were to find some sort of religion, i tend to go towards a polytheistic one, but even then i’m too skeptical. i’ve tried a lot before.

i’m sorry that happened to you, i can only imagine how much that hurt you.

it’s just that at this point, i feel like it’s better than me running to the only two people in my life every time i feel like this.

I dont know them but I’m willing to go on a limb and say they would tell you to run… full force if you have too… you are important… you matter…

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thank you, i suppose i should. i just feel bad because they try to be there for me, but tell me to get professional help because they aren’t equipped to help more. which is understandable, but i just don’t have money for it. i don’t want them to feel bad that they can’t help.

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Hello limeytea,

The pain you are going through is real and looking for a way to stop it is natural. With suicide so common these days, it seems like a good idea to many who are in pain-- it doesn’t cost money, it seems like a quick fix to a long and miserable problem, and maybe you can “lift a burden” off of others. I understand why you are considering it.
That being said, the easiest and most natural solution does not mean it is the best. There are ways to keep fighting. You matter. There are people in your life and people that will come into your life that need you.
As far as getting professional help, there are options to get help where money doesn’t have to be an issue. Please consider calling one of these hotlines to get help. They have therapist who can assist you and help you get the relief you desire. Here are some you can try:

  • Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990
  • Mental Healthline: 1-877-933-6124
  • SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP
  • Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741
  • Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

We care for you and know your life has purpose and meaning. You have potential to become. Hang in there a little longer.

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