It has been a very long time since I have been on here. I really miss this. Especially now in this day in age. As some of you on here know me from past posts on the Wall, I serve my community as a firefighter/paramedic. The COVID pandemic has been very strenuous on us as you probably can imagine. Work has been doubled, and It becomes a constant routine of wiping things down and disinfecting equipment, and wearing masks everyday.
I have been doing a good job on my own part being healthy and keeping myself safe in the face of danger in town. My hometown has grown very weary lately, but not just of the pandemic. This year has been a total nightmare. The town has blown up into violent proportions and the virus is spreading fast and we are overwhelmed with patients. I knew the risks taking the job, facing disease and violence is just another risk to it. I USED to love the job. The job USED to be fun. Now its just tiring and the workplace environment has grown hostile towards me, and I am asking myself why???
I have PTSD. I am awkward towards others and I know this. I struggle with this everyday. But nowadays it’s gotten worse. The stress the job brings, the violence I see outside my house, the disease, the deaths I see made the PTSD ‘flare up’. Now its starting to mess up work life. My captain and I have never seen eye-to-eye and now things have come to a halt between us. We are complete opposites. The animosity has reached its peak. The fire service (and pretty much every single job out there nowadays I have seen for myself) the only way you get ahead in life is to be popular. The department has become a ridiculous popularity contest. I am not popular. Now more than ever. My captain is. He is popular because he’s a bully. That is how he got to where he is. He is a drunk. He makes a mockery of me. He threatened me about three times over nonsense. And me on the other hand has only done the task that have been required of me.
I remember back in the military (which also was a popularity contest as well) when I was in basic training the RDCs said something that I will NEVER forget: “Do your job. You do your job, and you will NEVER get in trouble for ANYTHING.” Civilian side doesn’t agree with this apparently. I guess I wasn’t enough for him. Me doing my job to the very best of my ability on the ambulance saving lives, showing up to work on time, never complaining, me doing most of the work while he does little; all of that just wasn’t good enough for him. Me being the way I am, quiet, keep-to-myself, just pisses him off to the point where he takes offense. I decided to confront him after he threatened me and insulted me at my face, and I said that I am gone. So I left his fire station and now I float to others in town. He was pissed and he knew he lost a paramedic on his crew. When I left he didn’t apologize for anything, he just said good luck and we parted ways. I am not a fool, what he really meant was something else. What he REALLY meant was f.u.
I feel so many mixed emotions lately. July has been very difficult and hard. All of this happened quickly in a span of one month with a hefty workload of calls. How am I supposed to focus on my job like this I wondered? I feel like I made a good decision on my part to get away from him and his nonsense. And at the same time I feel angry and bitter and I feel total distrust of authority figures now more than ever. Word has gone around from him and others. So many rumors now. I feel like him and his friends and half of the shift officers are all against me now. This is not okay. If this is what leadership is than I want no part of it in the future, and I even feel like having no more part of any of this right now. I have expressed my thoughts to one of the assistant chiefs on the dept. and have even said that I am THIS close to turning in my two weeks notice and quitting. He told me not to do that, that I am great at what I do and that they don’t want to lose me over a misunderstanding. So we thought It best to have me rove around stations for the time being until something makes sense for me.
I do not feel well at all. I live alone. I feel like I haven’t anyone else at work I can turn to. I have no friends here. I’ve always been a loner, but now I feel very much alone after becoming more self-aware lately. I feel exhausted both physically and mentally. My indiscretions feel like they are just out there for all to see to warrant more hostility in my direction. Is It so wrong to just be the way I am? For being me?
I think not. What is so wrong with being quiet? What is so wrong with being a little upset now and then? I feel so much madness and anger all around me both online and offline. What is It going to take for these feelings to go away? Einstein said that any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. But It takes a touch of genius to turn that around in the opposite direction… Every day I see things that disgust me and just forces my mind to try to comprehend the meaningless hatred that is happening everywhere. I don’t recognize this country anymore. It is turning into something that I don’t want any part of. But like the rest of us, we are trapped due to the circumstances. I want to believe that things will get better, but I fear that for America, there is no touch of genius that can turn things around in the opposite direction, and that we are all trapped in a spiral of hatred that will destroy us all.
As far as myself goes. I understand what It feels like to be unpopular. I know how hard It is when the world hates you. I grew up catholic and I recall that Jesus said that if the world hates you, remember that It hated me first. And that the reason that they hate you, is because of me, and give them no blame. That and the common saying of ‘turning the other cheek’ ‘be the better man and back away’ ‘love your enemies’ ‘pray for them if they scorn you’.
The truth is I grow exhausted of these sayings. It does no good in the end. I am suffering inside even though I am good and they are bad. I watch all of them take joy in my suffering. I hate that they laugh at me, mock me, hate that they win and I lose all the time. Mostly I hate that there is no god that is on my side to avenge me, when I do the right thing. I feel no longer capable of forgiveness after so much suffering. I am tired and exhausted and I am so very much alone.