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Belongs to: Therapist Reads the Diary of a Madman by Ozzy Osbourne
I have biggest problem ever trying to keep the evil thoughts inside and not flip the switch im struggling with that but weed seems to level me mentally without it when under psychiatrist care and psych meds 5 years 5 trips mental hospital more anger suicidal tendencies and attempts more violent near dead he put benadryl with my Seroque 800mg and trazodone 300mgb40/70 blood pressure twice 9 years back to weed O of all stuff mentioned figures
The whiplash of back and forth medications, constant highs and trying to find peace is exhausting. It can be so frightening feeling like our reality is also so altered and life feels like a game of survival where we can’t stop fighting. To feel like we’re not alone is our head is to never be free of paranoia, it is a painful and draining way to live life.
I’ve been in your place my friend, I’ve smoked myself until I could mentally check out because the voice in my head filled me with crippling anxiety. I didn’t want to be high, I just wanted to have peace. I’ve been sober for about a year now, from weed and alcohol, and I’ve found that living a life without turning to escapism has been at times, very scary, but I’ve been able to ground myself more and fight the voice in my head.
The darkness chases us unceasingly, claws trying to snatch us into the abyss. What can we do but run? If we stop for even a second, stop fighting and running from the darkness with everything in our bones, it will devour us. Sometimes we can’t simply run into the light and rid ourselves of the darkness, but find ways to hold it off until we are strong enough to crawl towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Just because you are still struggling does not mean you are not conquering this voice, it is trying, but you have fought and are still standing, meaning you have won.
It can feel like we have to always keep running, keep finding new therapists, keep taking all the medicines we’re prescribed, and keep finding ourselves at what feels like a new low in a hospital room. I have been in so many lows, so many centers and off so many meds I thought I was done for. Years later, I am still fighting. Life is not perfect, I still truly struggle many days, but I have hope that that hope has carried me through. This darkness cannot steal you away while you cling to hope and truth, the truth that you are loved, you are a fighter, and the hope that you will be able to find peace and be able to sit and rest without the darkness catching up.
The fight we have is not just fighting and fighting pointlessly for years, even if it feels that way. We grow as we run, we learn ways to combat darkness, we find people who love us and fight with us when we open up to them. Even if you feel it looks the same on the surface, you are not where you were 9 years ago, not where you were 5 years ago, and I believe that you are even stronger now than you were just last year.
The battle is hard my friend, I know how consuming it is. You do not have to face this monster alone. As we learn about ourselves and challenge that voice in our head, the darkness becomes weaker. The voice become whispers and the teeth become dull. The things you have learned and the ways that you have fought is not for nothing, you have grown and you have found strength, even if you can’t see it.
Holdfast my friend, I am giving you all of my hope as you continue to live in victory.
It must feel so exhausting to be dragged back and forth by different medications and hospital trips. Enduring all those thoughts and trying for years to suppress them with meds must feel like such a long and grueling fight. I can’t imagine how frustrated and fed up you must be with the whole medical system and how it hasn’t been able to stop those dark thoughts.
It might seem impossible to keep fighting and to hope that things will get better. I want you to know that it’s okay to not feel okay, and your value as a person is not determined by what you’re going through right now. You are not an evil person no matter what your thoughts tell you, and I am so glad you are still here and that you continue to fight. I’m struggling with my own dark thoughts and trying to keep them at bay, but so often that’s so hard to do. So even though our experiences are different I want you to know that you are not alone right now, and I’m struggling alongside you.
Even though everything seems so dark and inescapable right now, I truly believe that your suffering is serving a purpose that might not even be about you. Maybe your example of strength and your willingness to keep hoping is the example someone else needs to live another day. Your story has helped me where I’m at right now, and I’m sure it will encourage others in their struggles too. I don’t have all the answers even though I want nothing more than to pluck you out of this darkness. I don’t know when this suffering will end, but I believe with all my heart that your existence right now is reason enough to keep fighting and to not let the darkness win today. You are stronger than your thoughts tell you, and I am here for you right now my friend. I am thinking of you and sending you all my love, thank you for being here.