Hi buddy, idk if you’re still with us but hi. I love you and I hope you are well now. I have faced my share of trials as well and I have hit my wall I think, I’m not sure I have the strength or will to keep pushing anymore. I spent years breaking away from the traumas and pain my childhood gave me, building myself up, building a relationship, I even became a manager at my job, I was on the up and up, finally after everything I had made it to the home stretch, just a couple more years of hard work and my love and I would be able to buy some land in the mountains, at peace for the rest of our lives. That was the plan anyway… a couple months ago I was forced to leave my job and move alone halfway across the country to stay with a relative as the economy and living costs skyrocket, so now I’ve ended up, back at “home” right back into the depths of the trauma I thought i overcame and im all alone, now i cant even find work, im on the verge of going completely broke. And my love and I haven’t been able to keep up communication, long distance is taking an enormous toll. I feel as though all the steps forward I made are meaningless, like I wasted years and like I’ll never be able to return to my real home again, not to mention people around here aren’t taking to kindly to me existing as I am a trans fem individual. I just don’t know what to do anymore, am I even on the right path? I want so badly to believe that there is a light at the end of this, that I will “win the game” and take agency over my life but it all seems so hopeless. All I can do is cry, I don’t have the energy to do anything other than sob at my current state and situation and I don’t know how to break out of this mental funk alone, my love was my rock, my motivation, the one to keep me positive and cheery, without them I can’t function, but I need to function perfectly for years alone just to have the chance at returning. It seems so impossible. So I can definitely relate to the feeling hopeless and wishing everything would change. I wish I had answers on how to bring you joy and fulfillment now but I dont. Hopefully we can figure this hellscape out together. If all the depressed people put our brains together, I’m sure we can math a way to make us all less so. At the rate I’m at, I dont see myself lasting the year, and I’m at the point that a minor inconvenience could send me straight into a suicidal meltdown. I feel so alone right now, and I was hoping you could change that.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling so drained and hopeless. I don’t blame you either. It really sucks when hopes and expectations evaporate.
While growing up, our family faced several evictions. I also went hungry more than once as a child.
As a young adult, I owned my own home, with a mortgage that was to be paid off in a few years, but then faced a severe reversal, lost everything and became homeless. A few years later, I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a spouse who went hogwild and drove us into bankruptcy again, and again I lost everything. I started working two jobs, and finally struggled enough to get us back on track, but found it impossible to live with my ex-wife as she preferred alcohol, drugs and foolish spending to having a viable relationship with me.
I signed everything over to her, and left in an old van with the bag of clothes, as that was all that remained of my worldly goods.
But you know what? I’m okay now. I’m secure enough financially and I’m living a decent life.
I did spend a lot of time in a terrible emotional state, in fact months debilitated by grief. I did end up going to see a psychiatrist for a few sessions and it turned out to be really helpful. He got me pointed in the right direction, then I continued to work on myself.
I hope you can continue to nurture the long-distance relationship until it no longer needs to be long-distance.
Things may seem hopeless, but they really aren’t. Take it from someone who has repeatedly spent a great deal of time in despair, but survived, and is now content.
By the way, welcome to Heart Support!
Hang in there. I struggle often still but on those days i cling even harder to my faith in Christ. I make a point to put myself in healthy community at church, even when I feel to tired to leave the house.
Thank you so much for being here and sharing all of this. Gosh, I feel the heaviness of this situation with you. After a traumatic childhood and making sure that I stay away from this old place called “home” as well as people who are still there, the thought of potentially needing one day to go there again, for one reason or another, often haunts me. It’s terrifying to feel like you are safe where you are, you are building your life, forging your own path… then progressively some practical aspects of life force you to make decisions that don’t feel like ones. I imagine how lonely, isolating and discouraging it must feel to be at “square one” - or at least to feel as such. It’s like your patience is tested again while you crave for a life that you deserve to have and live, so so much.
I’m sorry you have to deal with such circumstances right now. Although as much as it can’t be drastically or suddenly change, I want to encourage you to keep standing for yourself in the midst of this awful season. I wish for you so much to have the possibility one day to look back at this time right now, from afar both in time and distance, and to be proud of yourself for making it through. Right now, you are caught up in the eye of the storm and it makes sense to feel helpless and hopeless all at the same time. The distance with your partner, the environment you’re in, the unkindness from people there, the absence of the purpose your job was giving you… these are all, understandably, things that can cause emotional flashbacks by triggering the wounds in you that you’ve been carrying for so long. I promise you though that you are not defeated even if it feels like it. There is hope for you to lead the life you aspire to have, even if for now the road that leads is unfair again.
Everything that you have built, created, longed for, was not wasted time. You have been actively proving to yourself, to your entire being, that you can live a life that is so very different from what you’ve known as a child, but even more that you have the absolute right to live a fulfilling life. With childhood trauma it can be so hard to feel like we own the right to exist and to claim a good, safe existence. I can assure you that you do have this right, and all the years of experience, love and good memories you have created are not going to be taken away from you. At the opposite, they can be a force that keeps driving while navigating this painful season. And through it all, if it is an option for you, maybe it could be interesting to seek support from a therapist too? Just to have someone you could vent to regularly, and who would encourage you while you walk through this difficult and confusing season. In all cases, rest assured that you have allies right here on this platform and we are more than willing to encourage you as well.
Your life matters, friend. I’m so proud of you for opening up about this loneliness it creates in your heart. I know this wound feels like an excruciating hole in the soul, one that feels impossible to heal when it hurts so badly. We’re with you. <3