I have no idea what to do anymore, I'm sorry

For background knowledge, I suffer from dysthymia/PDD (persistent depressive disorder) and MDD (major depressive disorder, clinical depression). Both of these form double depression. I have anxiety and general depression-- but that’s just kinda there.

I’ve been having a really hard time since April. Normally, the holidays are hard. April’s hard too-- but it got so much worse this year. My grandmother (I was adopted, so she was the only thing to a mother I had) passed away in April of 2016. I was barely an adult, and I was still going through high school. She passed away a month before I graduated. I had to watch cancer take her, this being her third bout with it. When I was 9, she had a brain tumor and thyroid cancer. I watched her be hospitalized-- I was terrified she was going to die. When I was 14, I watched her get lung cancer. They took half of her left lung, she contracted MRSA- she was hospitalized for a month. When I was 18, she got lung cancer again, but it was too late. It was already Stage 4, they gave her six months to live, she died within a month.

I can still see how she died. I still remember watching her in her hospital room. It haunts me, I’m crying trying to write this right now. This year marks year six, almost year seven of her being gone-- and it’s hurt so much worse.

I was in a relationship. We had some rough spots here and there-- but we were trying to make it work. I always warn everyone that April is the worst month of the year for me. He wanted me to try and get my mental health in check back in March. I agreed. I tried Prozac, but we had a talk about it since SSRIs prior didn’t do any good for me. And it didn’t. I only had my consultation for therapy- I didn’t have anything set in stone yet.

I had a really bad dysthymic episode. I was nervous, I was scared, I was highly elevated. I wanted to talk to him to just calm down. He was drinking, and we fought over it. He decided we needed a “break”, and stonewalled me for three weeks from any contact from him. We’ve went back and forth with this break scenario-- it’d be practically too long to explain this whole situation on that. He’s went completely MIA from Discord now, but I want to put my emotions behind and assume it’s because he’s studying for finals and working a lot.

I’m in therapy weekly, I took a genesight test(awaiting results) to see what kind of medication will work for me since everything has had bad side effects, I’m in psychiatry-- but that’s up and down because they don’t exactly know what’s going on, I contact the crisis lines frequently after I feel there’s nothing I can do-- nothing helps. In fact, the crisis lines tend to brush me off since I’m not at the end of my line. Dysthymia is high functioning depression. I mask well, until I can’t. And I’ve been trying literally the best I can.

Distractions don’t help. In fact, it makes my double depression episodes worse. I wanted to be an animator. I went to college for it, and then IT. Once I went to school for IT-- my will for drawing stopped. I wanted to do so much more and make actual composition pieces and actually get to where I feel like I can achieve my dreams. I can’t even study anymore.

A counselor on the crisis line told me I experience severe apathy. I do what I have to do throughout the day: wake up, get dressed, work, do what my family asks of me-- and that’s it. If I feel I can even attempt to draw, I’m hitting revenge sleep procrastination-- and I already can’t sleep well on my own. Nothing helps, nothing works, and I start to miss how I used to draw all the time every day a bit more. I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never be able to do anything anymore except dig myself further in the grave.


Hi crescentfallen,
Welcome to Heart Support. You are very welcome here, anytime, for anything.
you have gone through a lot in your life, more then any human deserves. also with your diagnosis.
i feel so sorry to hear all of that. be sure, my toughts are with you right now.
holidays have always two sides i think, one is the feeling of a special time of the year, but also a time of loneliness
for me. it is hard to enjoy them. but also its a time, only once in a year. every year.
cancer is something no one deserves on that earth. i lost 3 family members to it. witnessing a body regressing,
a human you love to suffer, see them barely recognizable is extreme hard. you suffer with them.
not only the physical side, also from the mental side. when a person you love, who loved you, not recognizing you
is something that breaks a heart. like a punch in the face. a very hard one. hearts ripped in pieces.
sorry that you have gone through that.
i hope that you find a place for your therapy soon. it helps really. also, if you might can consider it, take a look in one
of our action groups. contact us on our discord server, if you like. or a self help group. share and hear other
experiences often can help. its hard to open up, we all know that. but it is worth a try. a safe place is something
where you can find rest from all the stuff going on in life around you, we would be there if you like.
distraction are often needed for ourselves, but also doesn’t work everytime. you might find new ones if you give
new things a try. i know, its easier said then done. my life was the same for years, get up, to work, get home, eat,
sleep, repeat. on weekends i did my cleaning, washing, getting groceries. did stuff that is needed.
not what i needed. was forgetting about what i like to do, a lot. i am often in that spiral where i regret that so often.
but i can’t change that. we can not change what was. can’t go back and slapped myself in face, kicked myself
in the butt, yelled at myself what a big idiot i was. would like to do that, sounds awesome writing that down.
but also, i would not be here today. to share, to hopefully help others, to make someones life a bit better, and also
for myself. to learn. to see, that we all are not alone in this world. this world that is so often unfair to us.
you try, what is awesome. you do your best, that is awesome. you are human, like us, like i am. i am proud of you,
we are proud of you, for sharing all of this, for being here and let us know about your struggles and worries, your
life. that is so strong my friend.
i know that all of this is easier said, then done. but take care of yourself. spend time with the things that you love,
spend time with the people you love. all you have to do is breathe. don’t think to far. step by step. one after
another. it does not matter, how big a step is, or you even go straight. what matters is you. you matter most.
not only to us, to me, to your family, the family you chose, your friends. you deserve so much better. all the
good things and beauty that life has to offer. and i hope that all of that will come to pieces for you. start with
a smile, with a deep breath, closed eyes just thinking of the air that fills your lungs. step by step.
i hope you come back to us, let us know how you will do in your progress. if you journey through life, you will
find your way. some ways are harder, some are easier. but it is your journey. you are beautiful the way you are.
feel hugged, and have a nice day. :purple_heart:

From: ManekiNeko

thank you so much for being here and for sharing. I can’t imagine how traumatic it was to see your grandmother in that place. I have seen what cancer does to people and my heart breaks for you. I am really proud of you for putting in so much work with working with professionals, sometimes it takes a little while to figure out medications. I know with my experience it took a few years to understand what the right dose and medications were. I’m sorry that your ex put that stress on you. Some people who haven’t experienced it, don’t really understand. They think you can just take some happy pills and life is grand. It’s not how the brain functions. And even when the medication is right, there can be certain triggers that can set off a deep depressive episode. That’s where it’s important to have a good support and a good team of professionals around. I do hope this space can be one where you find the support you need. I know some crisis lines are difficult to navigate and they probably have an influx so they triage it. Which is sad, because everyone deserves to be heard.
You are always welcome to be here and talk if you need to. We care about you so much.

1 Like