I don’t know where to begin. Feb 2010 my mom passed and i had to tell them to pull the plug while my younger siblings just cried. 8 months later my wife of 7 years ran away with my daughter with a guy from a state far away that she met on facebook. I haven’t seen either of them since. 4 months later my aunt who raised me as much as my mom passed from skin cancer. It’s been a long 9 years. Oct 30th was the anniversary of my daughters mom leaving. Its been 9 years. Im still in love with my daughters mom and miss them both so fucking much. I miss everyone. I went homeless for 2 years after it happened. I couldn’t function. I snapped out of it and actually had a good job for a few years. Made lots of money and visited and saw all the places i ever wanted to see. I dated alot. But no matter what i did or who i am with, i cant stop missing them and being sad all the time. It caused me to lose my job earlier this year. I’ve gotten to the point where I dont care anymore. Its gotten to where 9 years of hurting is just too much for me. Ive lost 60lbs in the last 7 months because im so messed up i can hardly eat. I think im down to 115 lbs now. Its messing with my health. I keep shaking. My voice doesnt even sound like my voice when i hear myself. I keep getting dizzy. My skin feel oddly numb and idk why. My heart keeps racing and slowing down. And i keep crying out of nowhere. All i keep thinking is I just want to close my eyes and not be here anymore. I don’t have anything. I dont have anyone anymore. Im so alone. Now im crying again. Idk what to do.
I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. You have gone through a lot. Know that it is okay to feel the way you feel. But also know that there is hope for a better future. Even if it seems impossible right now. Take things day by day. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions, but also try to see the positive in each day as well. You are loved. You are not alone.
I’ve tried to see the positive for 9 years now. I just feel so damn tired inside. My health keeps getting worse. This year has been bad on me. I have flashbacks. Literal flashbacks. I cant focus on simple tasks. I cant even bring myself to go outside. Things I see outside and even inside trigger flashbacks. I cant even drive a car anymore because im afraid ill just daze out and crash. Idek why im on this site. I wouldn’t even know what to tell anyone going through this. I don’t even feel a purpose for my life anymore. I have no desires, no passion, no love for this life. I never asked for any of this. Thankyou for replying. I think im done
It really sounds like you need professional help. It’s good that you came here to talk about that. I can’t imagine what that feels like.
I feel sad for you, you deserve happiness. Please seek help, you desperately need it. You deserve to have your thoughts heard. Sadness and hardships belong in everyone’s life but what you’re experiencing sounds like too much. You have written very carefully and good, be sure to tell these feelings to a doctor.
And please try to eat something! If your body is in constant hunger it only makes your condition worse! // https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines I hope you wouldn’t need it but if you do please make the call
Hi @Rare ,
You’ve been through many hardships and you’ve been so brave to keep trying to see the positive during so many years. You are brave and you are strong, friend. It’s okay to cry, to feel lost. Sometimes we need to feel like this in order to regain some energy and to take care of ourselves. It’s an intense cry from your heart right now, but you’ll be okay.
I’m so sorry for your losses. Not only the loss of your mother and your aunt, but also the end of your relationship and for your job. I am sorry you had to go through all of this in 2010. I can only imagine how much October 30th was a difficult day for you. These are triggering dates we would prefere to ignore, generally. So, I’m really glad you’re here with us despite everything. And I thank you for being brave enough to share this. I feel honored right now to be able to read you and I hope you could feel less alone by being here.
I can relate to different things you said. The different losses (family, love, job), being homeless for a while, feeling deeply lost. It’s not important to go into details but I would like to share, at least, the following. Because even if you mentioned this in only one sentence, I am deeply aware of what this could mean:
Feb 2010 my mom passed and i had to tell them to pull the plug while my younger siblings just cried.
I lost my older brother on 2018 because he developped a very rare cancer. He died 4 months after his diagnosis. And, like you, I had to be the one who made the difficult decisions at the hospital, because the rest of my family was too devastated at this moment. From the moment we decided to stop the “treatments” to all the unbearable paperwork that follows. There are no words to describe how painful this situation can be. Part of us can’t help but feeling guilty. And obviously I don’t know your story, but I really wanted to let you know that you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s probably the most unfair situation to be put in, but you’ve been very really brave and worthy despite the circumstances.
When I read your post I can’t help but feeling concerned by your health. This must be your high priority, friend. You’ve lost too much weight and you need to feed yourself correctly. Without this, you won’t be able to get better. Please, go to your doctor. Ask for a blood test. If you’re having trouble feeding yourself right now, you may need dietary supplements. Your body is speaking for you, it’s sending you an important message and I would like to put this into words: you have to take care of yourself. And you deserve to feel better. Physically and mentally.
You are still mourning, friend. Even if it’s been 9 years. You have flashbacks because you’ve been through really traumatic events. Nobody should have to go through events like these. And nobody should have to overcome this alone. But you are still here and this is not a dead end. You can overcome this situation. Time helps but it’s not only a question of months or years. Have you ever tried therapy during those years? There is absolutely nothing shameful about doing this. Sometimes you can’t pass through the storm alone. Sometimes you need people who brings you some strong support in order to move forward. Taking care of yourself is entirely part of being strong. Try to surround yourself with every kind of support you need. Desires and passions will return. But you’ll need to do things step by step. Everything come in its time.
Much Love @Rare. You matter.