I have no where to go

I have never been so desperate for help… I have no where else to turn and I feel like I just have no one to talk too. My best friend and I no longer talk because of the stuff she’s done, and my family are the problem. I’m in therapy once a week, and I love my therapist, but right now I just need a friend or someone to talk to and tell me I’m going to be ok.

In January this year my dad was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer, and is currently going through chemotherapy.
He’s always been verbally abusive and had anger problems, but since starting treatment he’s been so much worse. Almost every day I get texts and whatnot from my family all complaining and playing the blame game/victim over something that has happened with my dad and what he’s been saying.//
Today was the worst. My sister told me they had a huge fight and he told her "why don’t you just go and die you c***) and then when I was texting him he said he was leaving, and I don’t know where he’s going to live - but also that he doesn’t want to do treatment anymore. However, apparently he tolf mum that he’s too scared to die and so will carry on with the treatment… I’m financially struggling so so badly, I can’t physically afford my rent this month - yet I can’t make it into work and will be talking to my doctor this week about getting signed off - I just know I can’t afford this, but I’m not able to really leave my house anymore with where I’m at mentally.

I’m at the point now where just ending it is looking more and more appealing, and although I haven’t relapsed in my self harm again yet, every day I’m getting closer, it’s becoming impossible to stay away from it. I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’m so stuck. I don’t see a way out. I don’t see things ever getting better for me.

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey there, Kayla :hrtlegolove:
I’m so sorry about your dad. Even though he is awful to you and your family he is still your dad. Please keep focusing on yourself rather than on the toxic elements of your life. You are strong and you can keep from relapsing. I believe that. But with all the toxicity I know it makes it more difficult. Take care of yourself, friend :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Kayla, im sorry you are having a tough time right now, sometimes things seem to happen all at once dont they and knock us for six, Im sorry your Dad is sick that really rough and must be a huge worry for you and your family and is bound to be putting extra pressure on everyone. I think at times like this there needs to be an allowence of a bit of extra grace for all due to the stresses and strains of illness and fear of the future. You do have a place to turn and you are hear, the wall is your place and we are here when you need us, Heartsupport is always here, you know that. Stay Strong and please take care of yourself. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos kayla! It’s good that you have stated therepy Kayla I vaguely remember you saying in Action group. Even though you’re dad can be agresive at you at times he loves you. He’s just a little scared at the moment most likely as he has the cancer. But always remember keep focusing on your self than the toxic enviroment. Stay strong.

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey Kayla, I thank you for reaching out on this forum. It’s hard to figure out life when it seems like nothing in it is going well at all. I’m sorry to hear that your father is dealing with what he is and for what you have to deal with for your family. It could be that the only way to cope with things is to be angry at one another - afterall, it’s really no one’s fault that this is happening.

Though, on the rent thing, I would reach out to who you need to pay rent to and explain the situation. I’ve done this before and I was able to split my rent payments so that I could meet the rent amount, just two weeks later (or something like this).

Ending it may seem like the thing to do because you’re backed into a corner, but in my experience when life gets like this, it inevitably gets better - be there for your dad, you only get one, take action on what seems to hold you back - you grow into a better version of yourself. and lastly - take time to reflect and develop a greater sense of self love. You’re strong for dealing with what you have. That’s something to be proud of. Also, taking your mind off things by doing something you enjoy is enriching for the sould. Here for you, friend. You got this!

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