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Belongs to: https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/38130
I have not attempted suicide since Walter Reed, where I made two attempts. But, about a year after getting married my feelings feelings of worthlessness, being stuck, and feeling alone grow daily. I am just a wallet to my “family,” nothing more.
Ah man - that’s brutal. So hard to feel like every day you step further away from this hope of belonging you went into marriage for. It feels like this constant disillusionment, this daily deepening of discouragement - when you pause to think about it, it’s so easy to tip into rage that it feels unhealthy to even look at, so most of the times you just ignore it and press on, which means these feelings just bury, and accumulate, and become so overwhelming that you can’t contain it, and it comes out in passive aggression - or just straight out aggression. Some of the places feel controllable, but sometimes you find yourself being angry at people or situations that just feel - like where did that come from? But it aches the hole inside. It’s like, having a disease with no cure. And honestly, a disease with no one even being aware of it…that’s the worst part, is it just feels invisible, inconsequential, like no one will ever know or ever care. Just let you rot inside. And that feeling - if you really look at it - is like the feeling of falling into a bottomless pit. It’s just straight despair.
^^^ phew - writing all that out. Dark stuff. Hard stuff. Heavy stuff. I feel it too. I know the feeling of scrolling through my phone book and being like - who the fuck cares about me? Literally no one here. And feeling like I turn around in my mind to face my demons, just smiling at me - like they KNOW I’m stranded, that I’m fucked.
Man. Life is hard. It’s so fucking hard. But you’ve got courage - to share about this stuff, to look at it and say - something’s wrong here. Because honestly, admitting it means feeling it, and IDK about you but my worst problems happen because I can just procrastinate dealing with this stuff for so long…
Anyways, I mean to relate to you - and to commend you for sharing. Thank you for writing out this stuff here. I see you - and appreciate you.
Man, you’ve already overcome so much and now it feels like there is even MORE to overcome. That can be so daunting. Especially, because it feels like the people around me don’t even appreciate me for all I’ve overcome, they don’t understand or care about my struggle, all they care about is the financial support I give them. I can see why those feelings of worthlessness might start to creep back in. It’s like if my FAMILY doesn’t care about me then who will? what’s the point? I want to challenge you’re thoughts a bit, because I KNOW you matter and I KNOW there is a piece of you that knows that too, otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out for support. Let’s talk about your family for a second. Maybe they aren’t as supportive as they should be or could be, but what evidence do you have against the belief that they only see you as a wallet? Try to think really hard about this. Now I want you to think about what evidence do you have against the feeling of worthlessness? Do you encourage others? It sounds like you definitely provide for those you love? Do you create anything? art? music? laughter. Do people tell you that they care about you? (If they don’t this community will) Do you give yourself credit for all you have overcome? Start to challenge those automatic thoughts that you have, that tell you blanket statements about who you are and how people feel about you. I love you friend. Thank you for sharing here.