Hey guys. Carolyn here again. I know I haven’t been active here lately but a lot has been going on. Ive been in and out of the hospital lately. They seem to not care that not even 3 days after they discharge me, I’m brought back by police because I’m a danger to myself. I want to end it all. I’ve tried. I was dead for five minutes the other week. Had my friend not called the ambulance because she was worried about me I wouldn’t be here today. Self inflicted cuts litter all over my arms and upper thighs. If I don’t cut, I sit there thinking about doing it, or about how easy it would be to end it all. I can’t even be trusted with a knife while out in public for dinner, because my parents think I’ll harm myself. And they have every right to feel that way. I’ve done nothing to prove them otherwise. I feel like a failure, like they’re life would be a whole lot easier if I could just do one thing right and end it. I need some help, words of advice if you will. I recently ordered Re-Write and Dwarf Planet and received them last week, but so far they have just sat un-opened, because I can’t work up the courage to open them. I feel like once I do, it will be a step in the right dorection, but for now I just can’t. Hopefully my appointment on Wednesday will go Well, so I can be put on medication to help me, if not she may recommend long term hospitalization, which I’m not against, but my parents are. Please, give me worlds of advice/Encouragement
I want you to stay strong. I know it seems hard, but by reaching out to us, you’ve made a step towards help. That takes strength. Make sure that you get good therapy in addition to meds. Last year, a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression). She was given meds, and was seeing a therapist, but the therapist wasn’t super effective. She was getting worse. Meds are intended to assist a psychologist, not the only solution.
As for the self harm, I know it’s difficult, but try to resist it. Stay strong, you are loved 
Wow, firstly thank you for sharing, you know that there is a problem that needs to be solved, but you are not alone in this, so many people here suffer from self harm and suicidal thoughts. I know it’s scary, your thoughts, and I know how hard it is to break a habit. No one here will be ashamed of you. I believe those books will help you, I know it’s scary to go headfirst into your fears but it’s the only way to start the healing. There is so much love for you, I’m glad your life didn’t end.
hey im so sorry youre going trough this. i have experiance on self harm and sutting my arms. i did it because i felt so empty inside that the cutting actully made me feel something and i started to like it. i had to find new things to do to feel alive weather that be photography cooking or what ever. i think you need to find some sort of hobby and try to feel better and maybe that one day you feel better ciykd be the first day you dont self harm and just go from there
incapablegamers
First of all, all the love to you Carolyn! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Although I haven’t been through this type of thing to that extent. I have struggled with self-harm when in middle school. It has been nearly 5 years since the last time I’ve cut myself and I can tell you that inflicting pain onto yourself, won’t take away the pain you feel inside. It might feel like it, you might think to yourself that it is the only way to make you feel better but I promise that is not the case.
One of the methods that I used to help me to stop self-harm was to draw a doodle in a notebook everytime I felt the urge to cut, instead of cutting. I would just draw until I didn’t feel that urge anymore, or sometimes until I fell asleep if that feeling didn’t go away. I’m not sure that will help you but it’s just a thought. I also tried to reward myself when I went a certain amount of time without cutting by buying more art supplies.
I hope that with your appointment, things start to look up for you and I’m sure that it will. You deserve all of that happiness and wellness friend. There are so many people that care about you and your existence.
Things will get better <3
Much love!
-em
@CarolynIsAFallenAnge Here is our video response from our Twitch stream. I hope it brings you some encouragement. We love you. Hold Fast.
-Danjo
Hi Carolyn, thanks for posting <3
I’m glad that you have people that care about you like this…
I completely understand what it’s like to be obsessed with cutting and suicide. Since I started recovering from my drug addiction, the obsession with self harm and suicide has been horrendous. When I don’t cut, I am sneaking blades into my room… Whenever I close my eyes all I can see is what I can only describe as a “film” being played, where I’m watching myself cut and seeing the relief from all of the emotions and pain. If I’m not watching that film, I’m watching myself actually take the steps to kill myself. The only thing that helps to realise how irrational these things are at the moment is reaching out to the people that care about me… In regards to being hospitalised I think talking to your parents about why they’re against you getting the help you need could be a good an idea… It sounds like your parents care and they know about your struggle, so talk to them about these thoughts if you can, write it in a letter if that’s easier… Maybe it will help them to see your view a little clearer. It’s your life, if it’s what will be best for you and you think it’ll help, it’s your decision to make.
I believe I have seen you in the community discord a few times? There are so many people that have worked through/just starting/too scared to start ReWrite and Dwarf Planet, and maybe you could mention this in the discord and reach out to those people and start it together with them. Take it one page at a time, it’s not a race, there’s no time limit.
Hold Fast
Kayla