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I Hope This is Clear Enough

Welp. I don’t know how to say it, but I’m getting bad. I can tell that I’m getting bad. Mentally anyway. I’m getting back in to the “I don’t matter to anyone” and “I’m not good enough for anything” mindset. I’m getting a bit scared honestly. I’ve been really struggling. I’ve been having pretty strong urges to get back into self harm. They’re becoming harder to to ignore. I’m trying my best, and I’ve been able to hold them off for now. I don’t know how much longer I can though. I’ve been so exhausted lately and I just haven’t had a whole lot of energy to do anything. I can’t believe I’m still struggling with this. I should be over it shouldn’t I? It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve self harmed last. I’ve been doing so well. I’ve gotten so far. Why does it feel like I’m going backwards. I don’t want to keep this all to myself. I’ve done that for far too long. But talking about it is scary. I don’t know how to most times. If I can’t even talk about it, then what good is it to try and stop myself? Would it even change anything if I stopped trying? Why do people tell me to stop? Why does it matter if I do it or not? I can see that it’s important for me to not go back to self harm, but something deep down is asking why it IS so important. I don’t feel like it matters either way. Nothing will change. I’m so exhausted. I’m mentally drained. And honestly…just really tired. I can’t seem to recharge like I used to. It feels like I can’t really do a whole lot of anything anymore. I kinda feel like the point of me being here is getting farther and farther way. I don’t know…I’m probably just rambling. I’m sorry y’all. Much love to everyone.

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Much love back at you friend.

I hear your struggles of the moment, but also want to celebrate going 2 years free from SH.
That is such a great accomplishment.

Thank you for sharing how you feel! Could you redicrect the energy that goes into it towards something else? Paint with lots of red paint, drawing on your skin (gently) with a red ink pen? Take a walk, or just go sit outside in the sun?

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Hi @FaeTheProud

I hear your struggle and I’m so happy that you’ve come to talk.

As I was reading your post, I could relate 100% and I thought, “boy, this person sounds like me 14yrs ago”. Recovery isn’t easy and it’s pretty much the same as being a drug addict and trying not to take that hit you promised yourself you wouldn’t take ever again. It’s a constant battle in your head… a war raging very loudly. You just want to feel something different than anguish and pain. It seems like a good way, so you ask why not?

Let me turn that around and ask… why do it?

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From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Fae, I want to start by telling you just what a wonderful person you are and that even though I don’t know you, I genuinely care about you and I can feel just how tired you are. I would like to answer you question regarding your self harm. Why do people tell you to stop? Well there are probably many reasons for telling someone to stop doing that but a couple that I would like to say are the 1) I don’t want you to damage yourself anymore. you have not done it for 2 years, how amazing is that? please don’t damage and scar your body and hurt yourself. and 2) You are worth more than covering yourself in scars and scabs, you are a beautiful human being inside and outside and of course you are beautiful no matter what but I would love to see you appriciate yourself, I think you should love and value yourself as much as we do you. So that is 2 reasons why. Be kind to yourself Fae, You are loved, talk to someone if you need to and rest friend. Much Love Lisa

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From: Micro (Discord)

Dearest Fae, we are so, so proud of you. 2 years is such a big accomplishment. And “big” is a poor word to emphasize the importance of your own recovery there. Reading your words though, I’ve been wondering if the perspective of reaching this new milestone would be stressful to you, which would be totally understandable. It is an opportunity for you to think about your recovery, to reflect on all the steps you’ve been taking for so long, which can be, honestly, overwhelming too. It’s a lot to process. A lot of energy you’ve been spending to fight against these urges, this tempting voice inside of your mind that tries to convince you that hurting yourself would be a solution. Sometimes, when we’ve been fighting for so long, we also start to lose sight of the reasons why we’ve been doing it. What were our first motivation. What we were feeling and thinking when we were really, really hitting rock bottom. If you can breathe and remember one of those times, can you also remember how determined you probably were afterwards to not hurt yourself again? This is your spark. This is that other side of your heart, the one that wants to fight and to keep fighting for what is right and fair, to you and to your body. It makes sense to feel stressed, prone to doubts and fears while approaching such an important milestone. It makes sense to feel like dropping your weapons and listening to this “why not doing it after all?”. Though deep inside you know. And you’ve never stopped knowing. So if you can, I’d like to encourage you to reconnect to all the things that would remind you how proud you’ve been of the steps you’ve taken during two years. Of the supportive people who were there, the kind messages you’ve received, and how it made you feel. You know, 2 years is a huge accomplishment. But it’s also okay to still feel vulnerable. To still have very fundamental needs, such as feeling seen, loved and validated. The strength you have developped through your recovery does not make you less human, prone to doubts and struggles. And it will never change the fact that here we love you and care for you the exact same way. Though we are also so very proud of you. Make sure to reward yourself that day. Do something you like. Find peace. Treat yourself. This is a victory that you own, and I have no doubt that you will keep aiming for a 3rd year. You don’t deserve any pain or any harm. <3

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