I hust want to curl up into a ball

Have you ever just felt like time is dragging you by the neck, forcing you to see what life brings you? Have you ever just wanted to sit and cry yourself to sleep, but put on the best, most convincing face you could and went through life with it on, just to not disappoint any friends or family? Daily life is so much worse than it may seem to others

I got a letter from CPS yesterday, they were called in October. I’m already terrified of my mom as it is, I don’t want to make things worse. I know who called, and I told her not to because I knew something like this would happen. I want her out of my life for good, but I can’t do that. We can go from worst enemies to joking about engulfing in flames at a church in a matter of seconds. Its sickening to think that she could do this. My dad thinks I made all of this up, but I don’t see where I could have. I know my imagination is vivid, but I don’t see when I could have done that. With how many time she put false information into my head, I can’t find the balance between truth and lies. I get two different sides of two completely different stories. I’m way too confused with my own life and where I belong in this world, and to have answers and not know the right ones, it makes life one hundred percent more difficult. I wanna just dig myself a grave and be done with it, but I don’t wanna risk my brother getting the same treatment. He’s already gotten kicked out of her house once, I would hate to see what she may do next.

Sometimes life isn’t worth living, and sometimes reading about stuff that makes others tell you to seek help is nice. I had some coping strategies, but they stopped working. I used to (still kinda do) draw and paint. I made some awesome band posters. I used to read an online version of the unholy bible (it’s my religion, please don’t judge) and books on demons/demonology. I always had music on, but that doesn’t work anymore. Nothing does. I tried talking to my girlfriend, but I can’t even see her name without being disgusted with myself.

I’m sorry…

I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now, if I could be of more help I would - but I too am struggling hell of a lot right now also so just know you’re not alone. This is a safe place and I hope you can find some peace of mind here.

Hold fast

As always, happy you posted, friend :slight_smile: no need to apologize here.

If only life was as clear cut as, “right and wrong”, right? Feels like there’s so many contradictions between what is and isn’t true with your mom, what is and isn’t “good”, what is and isn’t healthy or harmful…you have a hard time committing to one story because you have no idea which story is consistent! The paths have intertwined and crossed over so many times that it just feels like a bowl of noodles – how do you pick which “noodle” is the right one?!

I do know this: YOUR LIFE is worth living. I enjoy reading your posts. I enjoy walking with you in this season. I enjoy hearing you and having compassion for you. I enjoy believing in you and cheering for you. I believe you are going to be okay, that you are going to make it through this season of your life.

And while you may have lost some desire for those coping skills, you picked up a new one – posting here! Which I’m glad you do.

Rooting you on. Thanks for sharing.
Your friend

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