Have you ever just felt like time is dragging you by the neck, forcing you to see what life brings you? Have you ever just wanted to sit and cry yourself to sleep, but put on the best, most convincing face you could and went through life with it on, just to not disappoint any friends or family? Daily life is so much worse than it may seem to others
I got a letter from CPS yesterday, they were called in October. I’m already terrified of my mom as it is, I don’t want to make things worse. I know who called, and I told her not to because I knew something like this would happen. I want her out of my life for good, but I can’t do that. We can go from worst enemies to joking about engulfing in flames at a church in a matter of seconds. Its sickening to think that she could do this. My dad thinks I made all of this up, but I don’t see where I could have. I know my imagination is vivid, but I don’t see when I could have done that. With how many time she put false information into my head, I can’t find the balance between truth and lies. I get two different sides of two completely different stories. I’m way too confused with my own life and where I belong in this world, and to have answers and not know the right ones, it makes life one hundred percent more difficult. I wanna just dig myself a grave and be done with it, but I don’t wanna risk my brother getting the same treatment. He’s already gotten kicked out of her house once, I would hate to see what she may do next.
Sometimes life isn’t worth living, and sometimes reading about stuff that makes others tell you to seek help is nice. I had some coping strategies, but they stopped working. I used to (still kinda do) draw and paint. I made some awesome band posters. I used to read an online version of the unholy bible (it’s my religion, please don’t judge) and books on demons/demonology. I always had music on, but that doesn’t work anymore. Nothing does. I tried talking to my girlfriend, but I can’t even see her name without being disgusted with myself.
I’m sorry…
no need to apologize here.