I just can't cope with the recurring depression

I first started experiencing depression around a year ago. It hit me hard and all I could think about was suicide and how pointless life was. At that time there were several explanations for why I started feeling that way (new city, stress of graduate school, living alone, etc.). After several months, I worked through it and was fairly good (with the exception of a couple episodes) until the past few weeks. This time the thoughts of suicide and hopelessness are back, except I have no idea what’s triggering them. I’m still in graduate school but I don’t feel stress associated with it. It’s so hard to explain to people what is going on because I have no idea. One moment I will be fine, then the next moment I’ll feel this wave of depression that just consumes me. I lose all ability to concentrate, my mind is just racing with suicidal thoughts. Passion and just genuine enjoyment of life feels so far-gone . I honestly just feel like if I can’t feel happiness then what’s the point of being alive. Every time I think I’ll get better it just comes back. And while I may not try to kill myself now, I feel that it’s inevitable. I’m supposed to start my PhD in the fall and that scares the hell out of me, how am I supposed to persevere through that when every time I have a depressive episode the only thing I want to do is kill myself. I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

@N195340 Welcome to Heart Support! Thank you for posting and sharing what you are experiencing. It can be frustrating to be depressed. Then, to feel depression for no apparent reason is frustrating times ten. Know that you are strong and courageous. It is hard right now, but you can get through this. Have you found a trusted friend or someone else who you feel you can share what you are experiencing with? This might help you feel less alone. Also, it might be worth it to look into finding a counselor or therapist. Things are hard right now, but know that you aren’t alone. You have it in you to get through this!

Thank you. I have talked to some friends about it, I just feel after the initial conversation it goes back to how it was. Like if I reached out to them every time I felt this way they’d be so preoccupied with me that they wouldn’t be able to focus on their own life. I tried therapy before but I think I will again, right now I don’t have the time or money. But I will try to hold on until then. Thanks again.

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Something that has been helping me get through the hard days is staying curious. What I mean by this is trying to not judge what I’m feeling. Easier said than done. It’s meeting myself with grace and self compassion and learning not to listen to the lies of depression. It’s getting out and seeing a sunrise or sunset. Focusing on the beauty around me in just the small things. Finding ways to journal or paint or listen to upbeat music. Reaching out on here has been really helpful. It’s been putting my mental health first no matter what even if it’s hard the season might not look like how I want. You are worthy and valid of help. You don’t have to fight these battles alone. Keep taking it one moment at a time. Keep reaching out to this community.

Thank you for your encouraging words. I try to enjoy the beauty of nature and be conscious but often times the depression is still too much. I will continue to work on it though. I appreciate the advice, and I wish you all the best with your battles.

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I understand depression sucks so much and it’s hard when it is reaccurring. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I wish we didn’t have to struggle with these things. I know it can be so hard. Keep taking it one moment at a time. Here if you ever need to talk.

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