I just cleaned the blood out of my sheets… and now new ones are added.
Roughly a week ago, I woke up and there was blood on my sheets and I had a wound that I didn’t remember having before. This whole week I’ve been struggling with self harm, but not giving in. Tonight, however, I thought I was doing okay. Not brilliant, not good, but okay enough to stay clean… So I washed my sheets and not even a couple of hours later I harmed myself, because stress, being a disappointment, and let’s be honest… being drunk didn’t help either…
I tried to distract… I tried to focus on other things… I should’ve hidden everything away… just gone silent and not exist…
This is just a cycle I can’t get out of… Too much… forever lonely…
2 Likes
Hi nyntje. My dear friend. I am so sorry you are struggling like this. Let me give you a hug 🫂. You need one really badly. Self harm is a nasty habit that is really hard to break. It is hard to battle especially if we don’t believe in change for the better or we might thing we deserve to suffer. However there can be change for the better and no you don’t deserve to suffer. You are a kind caring person nyntje. You matter even if you don’t think so. Sometimes we fail and stumble on our way but that is not a reason to stop going. It’s hard I know but you can keep going. You can do this nyntje 
. Please nyntje if you are feeling like these self harm thoughts are growing into something more, please reach out and get help. It can be a suicidal hotline or other kind of help you are comfortable with. You are a wonderful individual and no one can convince me otherwise. Hang in there friend
1 Like
I know I should’ve… I wasn’t thinking anymore… Sorry… I’m just tired and done… Sorry… And it’s not even time related anymore… It’s just getting worse again… I’m sorry
1 Like
That happends sometimes nyntje. I am sorry that happened to you. Soemetimes we realise this toolate. Have you made a safety plan here on HS it is definitely something worth doing. We care about you
1 Like
I do have a safety plan… Not here on HS, but made in therapy… It just didn’t work because I didn’t recognise quick enough… Sorry
1 Like
@nyntje sweet friend! I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. Want to tell you that you are loved, you are important and you are worth more than you realize. I’m glad you have a safety plan and I hope you utilize it when needed. Please consider reaching out to your therapist for help. I know things are really tough right now and we are here for you so please let us know how you are doing as you walk through this rough patch. I’ll walk with you if you wish.
2 Likes
I’m sorry… I just feel so stupid… and lost… I’m sorry
1 Like
Are you familiar with Ben Sledge’s book Rewrite? It’s a support book/work book re self-harming. I highly recommend it. You can find it under resources through the menu tab here on the HS wall.
Let me know what you think of it if you check it out.
Hugs for your lonely heart.
2 Likes
It’s under workbooks. There is not resource tab.
2 Likes
I am and I have read it… I apparently just can’t put it into practice… Sorry
1 Like
It takes time to rework habits. Lots of time. Just because you’re not putting it into practice all the time doesn’t mean you’re not making progress.
I’m glad that you have a therapist to help you as well. Do you have other supports in your life?
Be as gentle with yourself as you can.
2 Likes
Not where I live… There are people who know, but they have stated that they are not available during those struggles, which is completely fair. And it’s better if some people just don’t know because it can also be weaponised against you by people who don’t want to understand…
I’m not sure if I deserve to be gentle… or what that might look like… sorry
1 Like
I’ve been thinking about you the last couple of days and thought I’d stop by and ask how you’re doing tonight. How are you doing?
I was a bit troubled by your last comment, that you weren’t sure if you deserve gentleness. If you want to explain that more, I’m willing to read it. Actually, I’m willing to read whatever you want to post. I’ll check back in a day or two.
And no need to be sorry…
There is so much strength is powering on, of washing those sheets and putting fresh ones down.
I’m going to have you and me play a little game, if you’re interested (anyone else can join in if it seems to make sense).
For every ‘sorry’ you say, i’m going to remind you that you’re loved 
You just earned 8 You are Loved and a bonus “We are grateful you share your light and love with us”.
Mentally exhausted and just not okay… Felt like I needed to harm again last night because I’m not good enough… I don’t deserve gentleness because I should be stricter for myself. I should be better, I should know that I’m not beautiful, I should have my life together and have been able to finish my studies. There is too much potential that is being wasted… I don’t deserve gentleness because that won’t solve this mess that I am… I deserve to be punished for things that are wrong about me, and there’s too much that is wrong about me… sorry but it’s true…
Has someone told you you are not beautiful, that you need to get your life together, that you’re a waste of potential, that you deserve to be punished? Those messages don’t come from loving caretakers! Are you repeating those same phrases again and again to yourself? I am hearing so much pain and self-condemnation. I can understand why you need to release the pain.
Oh Precious One, if I could, I take you in my arms and hold you (not in a creepy way, I’m probably old enough to be your Grandma!) and just let you rest your exhausted self as long as you wanted. It wouldn’t matter to me that you feel not good enough, that you think you should be better, I’d hold you anyway you are. I’d bandage your weeping pain places and cry with you if you’d let me. My heart goes out to you~
Please keep coming back here and sharing your life. You are valuable, even if you don’t believe it right now.
This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.