Most of you know about my struggle with SH and suicidal ideation. Well I haven’t been doing so well in that regard. I haven’t broken that clean streak yet, but I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. The plan isn’t in a physical form either, but I have been thinking about bringing it back. I just don’t feel like I need to be here anymore. There’s no reason for me to stay. It feels like my personal life is just getting worse and worse as the days go on. I’m having trouble seeing why people are so happy to see me all the time. No matter how many reasons I’m told it doesn’t resonate. Even if it does resonate it goes away after a day or two. I’m so tired of trying to row through mud. It’s so exhausting to try and keep a smile on my face when I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I’m losing the motivation to actually look for reasons on why I should continue the fight. I don’t know guys. It’s getting tiresome and I feel like I’m burning out on life.
I don’t know if you heard that recently, but I’m proud of you. Really. And I know without any hesitation that many of us feel the same right here in this community.
Suicidal thoughts and self-harm can be such a silent and invisible battle, most of the time. But it takes time to heal, it takes time to reframe our thoughts and find healthier ways to cope. The fight doesn’t stop suddenly despite the fact that it remains invisible to the rest of the world. It can be very isolating and defeating yet you are here. You are here, friend. You are alive. And even more: you keep showing up, you keep reaching out, you keep sharing your heart. That’s freaking powerful. That shows how strong, perseverant and resilient you are, even during your darkest times.
It’s really hard to hear people giving you reasons to keep going on, telling you that you are loved yet it just feels weird on your end. I’ve felt that way, and keep feeling like this… so many times, and especially in this community. I don’t understand how I can be loved. When I look inside of myself, I only see darkness, despair and a lot, lot of pain that I’m too ashamed to disclose. I don’t get how I could even be a good partner, a good friend, or just a good human being when it’s such a mess inside of my head. This gap between how we feel and how we are perceived can be very disturbing and just doesn’t make any sense. Yet it’s beautiful too, because it means we have people we can rely on. It means we have people in our life who love us enough to let us know about it. It means that, when things are really really dark, when we feel at the end of our rope, we can actually count on those people to remind us some fundamental truths. About us, about our life, about who we are and the potential that’s within us. Even when we can’t see it, others do.
I see a lot of strength in you, Sarah. A lot more than you probably feel right now. I see a lot of kindness, generosity, bravery. Also sparks of creativity and a deep sensitivity that probably feels like a curse sometimes, but is also a true blessing when the day seems brighter. You, who you are, all of those pieces of you, both cracks and strengths, are the reason why the fight is worth it. The circumstances can change in your life, you can change, but still you exist, still you shine with your own light that many people have the privilege to receive.
Rest when you need it. Rely on those who love you and respect you when they share why you are worth the efforts it takes to keep moving on. Be kind and patient with yourself. It’s okay to feel lost right now. It’s okay to say it. I promise it won’t be like this forever dear friend. Just take it easy while your heart needs to rest a little more. It’s okay. Those battles can be very draining. There are times when we need to fill our cup again with the love that’s available for us. Again, I’m proud of you for opening that door. Because you are loved, so much. And I hope you are reminded of it as much as possible and as much as you need these days.
I’m sending hugs your way. If you can, try to do something for yourself today. It doesn’t have to be big. Just something healthy that you could enjoy and would bring a sense of satisfaction. Embrace that moment and see that you are not stuck. You keep moving, always. Sometimes it’s just a little bit different.