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I just don't know what to do anymore

First of all, sorry for a super long post - I started out thinking this would be quite a short post but it just kept going, I feel like I need to share what i’m going through in it’s entirety…
I’ve always had it quite rough growing up, being bullied - overlooked and just very lonely in general. I’ve always put up a shield around myself, connecting with new people is quite rough as I feel i’m being judged by everyone for being obese.

This is something i’m still struggling with and it feels horrible being obese but I just can’t get anything done at this point because I don’t have the energy or motivation, especially not with how my life’s looking right now.

But that’s mostly in the past atleast, but due to something that happened roughly a year ago - my life is yet again falling into pieces by every day that passes…

I was working as a customer support for a well-known company and was a part of the “offline” team handling emails, livechats and facebook support.

The first two months were pretty chill and all was well, but then literal hell was about to begin. We were heavily understaffed, being just three (3!!) people covering the entire thing - essentially we could have 3 livechats simultaneously as we had to deal with timers on emails and facebook chats. After there was some issues with a device that was released by said company, emails just started pouring in - the livechats was pretty much constantly filled and with people queueing for a chat, the stress just began killing me inside.

We were behind over 600 emails, had roughly 800 missed livechats and facebook support being somewhere inbetween.
Not only was I trying to cope with the heavy amount of work that was just thrown at us out of nowhere, but in the midst of this I also found out my mother nearly took her own life because of sh*t going on in her relationship at the time - she means the world to me as she’s been very supportive during my younger years along with my grandmother…

Eventually, I just hit a brick wall - burning out from all the work we had to cope with and I went into severe depression and I was constantly having anxiety about having to go back to work. I went to see a doctor to get sick-leave from work to recover and was on sick-leave for roughly 3 months full-time and after that I was recommended to try working 25% for a month, then going up to 50% for a while, but already at 25% I was just feeling stressed out again and my days were going to literal shit again…

I’ve now been unemployed for roughly a year and I still feel nothing but anxiety about even getting a job at this point - I can barely get out of bed some days and just feel like sleeping all the time. I just don’t see a way out, i’m still far too depressed to even consider going back to a job and even just thinking about it just gives me panic attacks where I can barely breath out of fear of burning out again.
Not having a job is also very stressful though as my economy is at rock bottom, i’m living on an existential minimum at this point and can barely survive - i’m 25 years old and I have to live at my sister’s place together with her fiancé and my nephew because I can’t get a place of my own due to stupid choices I made in my early years going into debt. And being obese living like this it’s very frustrating aswell because I love my nephew and I want to be able to do things with him, like play football and stuff but it’s hard to do so when there’s just no energy or endurance… It’s heartbreaking to see him disappointing because I don’t want to do X thing with him simply because I can’t handle it…

I’m just not sure what to do at this point, there are days I feel I might aswell just end it all because I don’t see a way out, but when that happens I always manage to stay away from it because I love my family too much and don’t want to miss out on my nephew(s) and niece(s) growing up as they’re pretty much all joy I have in my life at this point.

I’ve tried seeing a therapist to work things out but I just don’t see it’s doing anything which is also why I stopped going there… :confused:

So yeah, I just don’t know what to do anymore as I mentioned, I try to game as much as I can pretty much to escape from reality even though I know that’s not going to solve anything but just push things forward a tiny bit. It helps me escape for some time atleast, but obviously things just catch up.

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Thank you for sharing here. The work situation is one that I can relate to, as I also started having panic attacks whenever I had to re-enter the building after lunch breaks and spent a lot of time crying at my desk before having to leave my career all together. Work burnout is very real and you aren’t alone. I know it feels like work will never be a safe space again but there is still hope there.

I’m sorry to hear that your therapist is not working out but there are more options for therapists. Sometimes it takes time to find one that works well with you and that’s okay. Your life and quality of life is worth the effort to find someone who you can work well with. You can even ask for phone consultations first so that you don’t have to try bouncing around visits. Most people are willing to speak on the phone and hopefully give you an idea of their treatment options and styles. There is still hope of finding the person who can help you heal from your pain and stress.

Your life is valuable and important. Maybe you can’t work right now in this season, that is okay. But you can heal from this with time. We are here for you whenever you need to reach out. We believe in you ! Thank you again for sharing. Hang in there

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Thank you very much for your response, ktStark!

Yeah it does indeed feel like a job will never be an option again at this point, but hopefully that changes soon enough - I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore. It feels like I don’t do anything but disappoint my family and that’s a feeling I want to get rid of faster than anything because it just breaks me apart even further…

I’ve been considering trying to book a meeting with a cognitive behavioral therapist to see if that’s something that could be of better help but I haven’t managed to do so yet because I don’t much enjoy breaking down infront of a stranger or at all really… I don’t know, it just makes me feel weak but at the same time I know it’s nothing wrong with doing so… :confused:

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It is definitely not easy to open up to strangers, but it does not make you weak to break down in front of someone. You’re still valuable if you can’t work right now and you’re still strong for taking steps towards fighting through this hard time!

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Have you found a job? If you haven’t, maybe try working in a flower shop or a small bakery. Something that is as far away from your old job as possible.

If you haven’t found a cognitive behavioral therapist yet, keep looking. CBT is usually much better than anything else, especially if you have problems with that “anything else.” (I’m sorry, I don’t know what it’s called. I’ve only done CBT. The rest is from a study.)