Tw:Depression, Suicidal thoughts
Hi everyone. I hope you are doing ok.
I just want to say that… I dont know what to do. I have been trying to be if not optimistic than at least less pessimistic. But i just keep thinking that i would like to not be here. I try to keep myself busy but i just dont have any interest in almost anything. I was talking to my mum recently and she was asking me about my plans for the future. I tried to answer by my usual answers and vague plans but she wasnt satisfied by that. She wanted me to be more specific and to be more active in persuing the things i “care about”. She was mad and i guess dissapointed. I was just tired and annoyed by her comments. I wanted to tell her that the thing I truly wanted was to die and that i am only living because she and my dad want me to so if she wants me to do the thing i want she should let me die. I didnt say that tho. I was just mad and sad.
How the hell do you tell somebody that you just dont care about anything. You cant just say “No mum i dont care about having girlfriend or kids or a job or about that new dryer you bought. I honestly am just trying not to kill myself until you and dad are no longer here so you are not sad when I do kill myself. Now i am just trying to pass time until that happends so just stop asking me about my future because i dont want it!” It does not help that my mum drinks so she can get pretty aggresive and in these moments i just want to say that to her. People just expect me to be exited about life and things but I am just not and people then get pretty mad. I dont know what to do. I am stuck between the thing that i want and hurting others and i just dont know what to do.
If you asked me what i think my future is going to be like,It would consist of me doint things just to pass time and tying to look like i do care about jobs and family until i break and die. I know this is not very optimistic but i just cant picture it differently.
Hey @Ashwell, thanks so much for being here and for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through because that sounds so difficult.
It feels like we all have expectations from people or even ourselves of what we should be doing with our lives especially from our parents and it can be exhausting to try to live up to those. And a lot of times those expectations are making money or having status, which in my opinion don’t really matter that much.
I can at least somewhat relate to what your going through as I’ve felt rather numb and uninterested and burnt out the last year or so. Even that sucks, so I’m sorry you have to go through this. I think having community has really helped me with that, so I am so glad that you are here. I’ve also made a list of things that at least help me feel better like playing guitar, going for a walk, etc. and that has helped me because I tend to spend a lot of time turning to distractions. I’m trying to take it one day at a time.
I truly believe that what is true today doesn’t have to be true tomorrow, so I really hope that things get better because I really do want the best for you and I believe that this world is better with you in it. Please feel free to reach out if you ever just need someone to talk to. You are not alone. Hold fast 
Hi thank you for responding.
I just feel numb now. I am either sad angry depressed or just numb.
Hi Ashwell,
Thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughts and feelings. It definitely sounds like a tricky situation. I am so glad you are still here. You are valuable, meaningful, and a unique human. I know killing ourselves can be like an easy way out and I can understand you’re feelings toward it given your circumstances. I always vote for the side of the living and I believe you have what it takes to overcome this predicament. I believe in you <3 Sending good vibes your way and lots of hugz. warmly, Dot.
Thank you Dot for your support.
I am trying to find reasons to go on. Some days i can some days i cant. I just try to believe that there might be something worth living for but most days i am just surviving for no reason other than to not cause pain.
Thanks again.
-Ashwell
Hi Ashwell,
Ooof. That is tricky. I actually relate to this because I’ve gone through so many suicidality spells. I also understand the survival mode. I came from a tumultuous upbringing as well and that trauma shit can really impact our entire worlds. It’s alienating and disturbing so survival mode makes total sense. I wonder too, what could it be that is worth living for? What is it that you love in life? What about the simple moments? Like having tea or coffee in the morning outside somewhere peaceful. I wonder so much! I also believe in you. There is a way forward <3. Warmly, Dot.
The simple moments. Those are great. The can make days better. Sometimes they are not enough but without those i would not be here.
Hi Ashwell,
It brings me great joy to hear that you are finding love in the simple moments. Those got me through too. As well, as developing a plan to have a future for myself in a career that I love. I knew I wanted to make money but my disabilities got in the way of finding the ideal dream job. Now I am working in my field and feel 100 times better. I am so happy you are finding peace in those moments and I am so happy you are still with us today <3
The simple moments. Those are great. The can make days better. Sometimes they are not enough but without those i would not be here.
Some days the little joys are everything, and that’s fine. If you feel overwhelmed and numb, then focusing on something smaller than “life” in general is definitely a good strategy. It gives a break to our mind, and even a sense of grounding in place we expected the least.
@Dot has shared some beautiful encouragement there and I absolutely second the pleasure of having a warm cofee or tea and doing something peaceful during the morning.
I wanted to share with you what was my little joy yesterday - that wasn’t enough for the entire day, but still to give a bit of spark that helped to push through. I went on our balcony here after a week without even trying to go there or embrace the weather outside. I was delighted to see that some flowers that I’ve planted a month ago had finally grown.
Hope this can encourage you a little bit, friend. If you can’t go outside and enjoy the colors of nature for now, then the nature comes to you right here. 
Take care. Take it easy. You are loved dearly. 
Hi Micro.
Those are beautiful flowers. Really nice.
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