I just feel empty

hi im new here. this is my first post. so, i live with my grandma because she wont let me live with my parents until she thinks i should. shes is verbally abusive to me, and i think its just because im the step kid in the family. im trans and she doesnt know. shes very against trans people. she said to me she would rather be dead then support trans people. ive had suicidal thoughts for quite some time now. i had to break up with my gf because it just didnt feel like a relationship, and now i really like this guy but idk if he likes me back. i was sh for a while but i stopped, and im considering doing it again. im taking college classes as well as high school, and my college teacher is not making me feel any better. she keeps giving me 0’s on assignments and she wont tell me why or what i need to change. i cant improve if she doesnt tell my what i need to do. i just feel completely empty like a void. idk what to do anymore. i want to die, but i want to stay in hopes that ill live with my parents again and be in a relationship with this guy that i like. i want to cry but i cant or else ill get yelled at. i cant even listen to music because my grandma keeps taking my headphones away and i keep buying more. idk what to do anymore

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I can relate to you in some sense.

I understand how degrading verbal abuse can be. Although my experiences are different from yours, and correct me if I’m wrong, but it strips a person to the bone. Always being on edge and anxious is a sick feeling.

Suicidal ideation is like an itch in the brain, same with self harm. Your brain has figured out a way to cope and “escape” from those awful feelings along with how it makes you “feel good.” In a sense, it’s addictive and because of that it’s hard to quit and easy to come back to. If you are going to sh, then do the regular stuff like making sure your tools are clean, cleaning the wounds, etc.
There’s better alternatives to suicide. Personally, I know that I get so overwhelmed with nasty emotions that it feels sticky or that there’s no way out. But things will change. I don’t know when or why or where or any of that. The fact is that we live in a world where nothing is stagnant. Having hope or things to look forward to can be a big motivator to not commit suicide which it seems that you have. Finding support such as therapy would be beneficial, too. Or someone to talk to. Or here. Anywhere where you feel safe and where it’s appropriate, really.

About your teacher- reaching out and asking why she’s going you the scores she’s giving would probably help (unless you’re already doing that). The most you can do is ask. She’s a teacher, her job is to educate and answer questions regarding what she’s teaching. If she can’t do that then maybe try finding some outside sources if possible.

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