I just feel Weird

I can feel the dryness of my mouth right now, and everything seems vivid, or more realistic than normal. I don’t feel anything right now, despite that I should be doing a final right now… I just don’t feel anything, not empty… just nothing. I didn’t really eat anything today, just forced two pop tarts down for breakfast (Which never fills me up), and forced 4 pieces of chicken down my throat. Today is my last day of school, it ends in about 45 minutes, but I don’t really feel anything when I think about that too though… is this just shock? I kind of wish I knew what was going on with me, I am feeling dizzy when I walk around, but I don’t think its that big of a deal.

Got into a big fight with Dad last night, told me he was going to send me to the one place I hate… My moms. He always says I look Broken whenever I come back from there… I don’t know. He then changed his mind and told me he was going to let me decide when I got off of work. My work clothes were wet though, he said that I pretty much deserved it for being a huge ass and brat. I come off work, and he is perfect, normal dad you see on TV. The reason why I hate going here, to my moms… there was Cat shit everywhere (Her Cat got Pregnant), the place was a dump. I don’t even like looking at my mom. She looks horrible, and I think the reason why is she is taking drugs. She is always wearing this revealing trashy clothes… It just embarrasses me to just see it. I Kinda feel something when I write that, but I don’t really know… I just know I’m probably going to have to go there. I can’t stay at my dad’s, but I will have to talk to my Mom about Band and Work… She is probably going to jack me around like she usually does. The only thing towards kids that my Mom seems to care about is one of her step children. I am not exaggerating when I say this, my brothers birthday was a couple of days ago, and she wouldn’t do anything for him, said she had to do things with Layla (The step Child), and tried forcing my Dad to do something for him and the other kids so she could take Layla out. Both places I live same to be in Hell sometimes, and I’m just really close to killing myself. Maybe that’s why I am feeling nothing… I’m preparing to die. Will I really kill Myself? I don’t know, Probably? Who knows, maybe I’m just saying this to fuck with people, to have them get as far away as possible from me.

I don’t really want to be alive right now, to sum up everything up there.
That’s all

It sounds like you are in a really stressful environment between your mom’s house and your dad’s house. Perhaps you may be feeling nothing because just kind of going through the motions allows you to ignore the stress and environment around you so you can get through it? Maybe you are feeling dizzy because you aren’t eating enough or are dehydrated?

I’m sorry you are in such a rough place right now. I can tell you’re really hurting though and I want you to know that you are important. Even though the environments you are exposed to right now are incredibly stressful and awful, killing yourself won’t allow you to ever get the chance to reach a better situation. You have people here that want to support you and encourage you. We care about you. Despite what others may say or how you may feel, you are loved.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

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Thank you Hannah,
As for Dehydration, I can tell you I don’t drink a lot of water, nor do I usually eat in the morning. If I do eat, I get hungry within an hour, and this is eating a bowl of oatmeal or a bowl of cereal. I don’t know if I really want to be where I am right now, my Dad seems to think that my little brother (Same one with the birthday trouble) and my twin (Autistic) are better than me, I think he is right, but I don’t really know. I remember reading something Steve Jobs said “If you live everyday like you are going to day, you’ll eventually be right”. I see my life like, always am I seeing myself die. Part of me just feels like the song One Eight Seven by Senses Fail (Good song, if you like punk rock). My Dad is saying he is going to die, very soon. He also says he is going to pay me back for everything I did that was stressful to him when I turn 18 (In a few months, 17 right now). Thank you for listening, Although I don’t necessarily feel better, I can say that I feel a little less weight from the guilt
Thank you,
Jason Mills

Of course, I’m always happy to listen. I hope one day you are able to see your worth and know that despite what others say to you or how they treat you, your worth never changes. You deserve to be alive and get to where you want to be in life. I know you can get there with time. Know that I am thinking of you. Keep fighting and know that you are loved.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes