So recently I had the best day of my life and I was so freaking amazed that people actually cared about me and knew me; I went to Warped on Wednesday and I got to meet some HS people that are my friends and it was so so amazing to actually be in the presence of these amazing people that I am so blessed to have in my life.
I didn’t even think that certain people knew my name or who I was- and I was kind of just speechless that people were actually excited to see me. I am still really surprised because I jus never saw it like these people do- like the way I see it is I’m just sitting on my computer at home trying my best- and then someone says I’ve saved a lot of lives and I just am speechless. I never really understood how much my actions affect people.
Literally that day was the best day of my life-
I was walking around and my favorite band was literally just right there getting lunch and I just kind of stared and fangirled to myself-- and then my sister pushed me to like go say hi and I did and it was amazing and oh my gosh I am fangirling just remembering it. THEN I got to meet them later and JOHN (I am talking about a band called The Maine) REMEMBERED ME AND I MADE THEM ART AND THEY LOVED IT AND WE TOOK A PICTURE AND MAN IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME.
I also got to volunteer at the HS tent- which I didn’t sign up to do but I did it anyway and I felt sooooooooooooooo awkward when I first got there because- I never did anything like that before and I am just used to helping people online and it was just really awkward for me to have to reach out and start the conversation. Then I switched places with Matt and sat at the table and it was easier and his wife was there and I just felt great. I only talked to like 5 people but it was totally worth it- 5 people is better than none.
All in all- this final Warped tour date was the literal best day of my life.
I met two of my friends I met from Heart Support and on the internet in general in real life for the first time. I got more and gave more hugs to people than I had in the past year, I finally was faced with how important my life is, and how my actions and words do help people.
The only thing is right now is really hard, and I wish I could explain why. I just feel myself falling back into darkness and it just sucks- since so much good has happened I thought I would get better, but it’s just another negative slope on the graph of my life. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about the things that are othering me- or I just don’t want to- because I know that a lot of people are struggling right now and don’t need my problems on top of what they are going through. Although I had this day right now I sit here feeling worthless and like I won’t get anywhere. I wanted this post to be just a happy one because I don’t want people to think I’m not grateful for my experiences or whatever.
Some people just live their life- they take risks and venture out. I feel like I’m never going to achieve that- or achieve my dreams. Sometimes I don’t know why I even try.
I see my friends struggling and I can’t even help them. I get mad at myself because I can’t help. I am falling into self hate and I just feel like this is a battle that I’m never going to win. I feel like I don’t have a reason to keep trying anymore. And it sucks because I should be ok by now. I should be better. But I’m not.
I should be able to get through things alone, I shouldn’t have to bother people with my issues.
I understand that only I can solve my problems. I am just at a loss. I wish I could explain better.
My life is consumed with jealousy and self hatred and I don’t really feel like I’ll ever be able to overcome it. I don’t think I’ll ever become less shy. I don’t believe I will ever overcome my anxiety- I hit good points and then I crash again and again and again.
Recently I’ve just been feeling ok with just letting fate decide my life- I’ve felt worthless because I have to take medication to feel ok- and then I still don’t feel ok half the time. Sometimes I just feel like it would be easier to just let the waves take me and I’ll be wherever I land. I am just really sick of fighting everything. I am sick of just falling victim to what others say. I feel like I’m just not strong enough to get through this.